Greetings, reader!
I recently finished watching Desperate Housewives. In addition to ranking my favorite episodes in last week's post, I made this list specifically requested by my fiancée (and Desperate Housewives mega-fan) Martta - the greatest villains from the show's eight-season run.
The trickiest part of this process was drawing the line on who is a villain and who isn't - the show's morals are so grey on all fronts that the disctinction is hard to make. I couldn't just go based on "is a bad person", because then I'd have to include main characters like Susan and Gabby and pretty much everyone except for Mike Delfino on the list. But I also couldn't go purely on "is written to be in the crosshairs of the main characters", because then I'd have to include characters like Edie Britt - and while she's an antagonist in the dramaturgical sense, I honestly found myself on her side like half the times, and the four main characters by average are at least as terrible people as her. So, in order to qualify for the list, the character has to fill at least one of the requirements properly, while preferably also dabbling in the other. I hope you enjoy!
Here are my honorable mentions: Art Shepherd, Carolyn Bigsby, Chuck Vance, Gloria Hodge, Wayne Davis.
10. Alejandro Perez
If I were to rank these villains purely based on how evil they are, Gabby's rapist stepfather would obviously rank even higher. As an overall villain, Alejandro isn't quite as interesting as the very best of them, but still an above-average TV antagonist by most merits. The lore we learn about him throughout the series (while being lead to think he's dead) is heartbreaking stuff, and the reveal near the end of season 7 that he's alive - and coming for revenge - is one of the more chills-down-your-spine moments in the series.
His death in the season 7 finale is a well-deserved one, and I'm giving the writers extra points for having Alejandro cause his share of harm from beyond the grave as well, as the getting-away-with-murder drama is the main plotline of the final season.
9. Felicia Tillman
Felicia was one of those gray-area characters that I went back and forth on, when considering who is eligible for this list - in many ways, it's hard to think of her as a villain, as her motives are so understandable. If someone killed my brother and got away with, I'd probably dedicate my life to ruining that person's life with elaborate fuckery as well.
Still, Felicia is just unhinged enough (and, in quite a few storylines, written more as an antagonist than as someone you're supposed to relate to), that she does make the cut - she's not a villain first and foremost, but rather a villain among other things. I still don't know whose side I was on for a majority of season 7, but watching Paul Young and Felicia Tillman try to one-up each other was extremely entertaining and they both resorted to such low shenanigans (using your own daughter as a long-con bait is f**king raw, man) that there were no real winners.
Whenever Felicia was being an antagonist, she was an entertaining and particularly resourceful one, and probably more skilled at being a villain than any othe others on today's list. You wouldn't wish this delightfully diabolical mastermind on your worst enemy.
8. Betty Applewhite
Alfre Woodard is a national treasure, and her acting chops really carry this character to levels that the script alone wouldn't have accomplished. Mrs. Applewhite is a fine villain already on paper, but it's Woodard's enigmatic performance that really sells it - the mysterious yet expressive facial expressions, the ice-cold line deliveries, the magnetic presence, it's just so brilliant.
Even though Betty's son Matthew turns out to be the 'big bad' of the season in the end, it's his mother who is made to feel like the major villain for a majority of the season, and when all is said and done, she was just questionable enough to be qualified as a villain but definitely complex and humane enough to be a more interesting villain than her son.
7. Patrick Logan
Once again, a semi-average villain concept is amped up to greatness thanks to the casting of just the right actor. The notorious Patrick Logan was talked about a lot throughout the show's sixth season, and when we finally see him as the season reaches its endgame, it makes SO MUCH FUCKING SENSE that he's played by John Barrowman out of all possible actors.
No stranger to villain roles, Barrowman really brought out the character's evil and frightening side with ease, yet his effortless charm and undeniable attractiveness help it make perfect sense that Angie Bolen used to be deeply in love with him. All in all, Logan is just the right villain for season 6, and his presence on Wisteria Lane creates an intense sense of panic for the final set of episodes.
6. Orson Hodge
It's really damn hard to rank Orson as a villain specifically - as the possibly only fictional character of all time to to check all nine boxes of the alignment chart depending on which season you're on, this man is a true puzzle box. On one hand, he's one of the show's greatest overall characters and a lot of this is thanks to likable, non-villainous stuff, but on the other, there are storylines where you can't really argue with him being an antagonist (seasons 5 and 6 go into this grey area, and season 8 is a whole other thing). The internet seems divided on this, as some fan had included Orson in their villain ranking but another had commented "ORSON ISNT A VILLAIN HES JUST SILLY", which is such a great comment that I'd like to agree just out of principal...
...yet here we are. Don't get me wrong, I love the guy, and that complex love includes the times when he's written to be a hammy, mega-entertaining bad guy (especially in season 8). Orson's villain moments are only a small part of what makes the character great, but they're enough to rank him as the show's sixth-best antagonist. Kyle MacLachlan is brilliant in everything he does, and that very much includes the moments when Orson goes all macchiavellian in a delightfully fun fashion.
5. George Williams
Credit where credit is due - this villain arch would've been fantastic TV regardless, but my awesome fiancée made the viewing experience so much better with her manipulation. You see, the thing with George Williams is that he's introduced as this sweet local pharmacist, and his creepy side is slowly uncovered throughout the first season. When I watched the series through with Martta, a mega-fan who has seen the show countless times, she made sure to comment stuff like "Aww, isn't that guy so sweet?" et cetera in George's scenes, acting so authentic that I figured that this really is a character that she deems to be likable. Therefore, many of the first and most subtle instances of red flags in George's behavior either flew over my head or caused a "Hmm - that's probably nothing, because he's gotta be a good guy since Martta likes him" reaction. This made it all the more shocking when the character's dark side is truly uncovered - Martta, well played, I salute you.
Roger Bart is dynamite in the role throughout it all, and I really love how the character is written. It makes an important statement about how predatory men aren't exclusive to the "alpha male" stereotype, and how a manipulative creep hiding under a whiny, faux-sensitive persona can be just as (or even more so) dangerous.
4. Kayla Huntington
No, I'm not exaggerating with this ranking. I believe to this day that Kayla is the hands-down most evil character in the show. As a teacher, I'm supposed to give every kid a chance and believe that no kid is corrupt beyond redemption - but that's real life, and this is fiction, and in fiction there are monsters like Kayla. Kudos to the writers and the child actress for creating something that truly scared the living hell out of me.
3. Eddie Orlofsky
I discussed this case in detail in last week's post about the show's best episodes, as the Eddie-centric Epiphany from season 6 is one of my big favorites and definitely the deepest episode the series ever did. A villain like Eddie is a rare thing: usually, if your villain is enough of a monster, you don't feel any sympathy for them, and if your villain is made to have sympathetic side, they won't end up being all that terrifying but rather seen as an antihero of sorts. It's hard to nail the "two things can be true at once" element when attempting to write a villain that you care about yet who also reaches the evils of a proper antagonist, but that's exactly what Eddie Orlofksy is.
The murders he commits are a dark, violent part of the show's sixth season - but when we learn his backstory, one can't help but feel sorry for the guy, with a strong sense that he would've turned out very different if he had been brought up different and gotten a fair shot at life. Mary Alice's narration of monsters being created by other monsters is a hard-hitting testament to some grim truths about the world, as the episode and Eddie's whole storyline leave the viewer pondering some important questions. A tragic, complex character, this one.
2. Dave Williams
Ever since my days of watching Arrow as a teenager, it was clear to me that Neal McDonough was born to play charming, enthralling and utterly frightening villains in various TV shows. The guy never misses, always delivering just the hammiest and most entertaining antagonist performances - and his very finest work can be found from the fifth season of Desparate Housewives.
Dave Williams checks all the boxes of a great villain for this specific series. A magnetic on-screen presence, a long-winded mystery riddled with red herrings and misleads as the viewer tries to figure just what he's up to, a tragic backstory and psychologically complex motives once they're eventually revealed, a nefarious master plan that'll make you genuinely scared for the fate of the characters he's after, and still a humane side deep down that'll make you care for the guy on some twisted level. And, of course, an unforgettable acting performance to back it all up.
1. Paul Young
Yeah, can't beat the OG. Although, to be fair, you very nearly can - when I was five seasons into the show, I had Dave ranked as my #1 villain thus far, surpassing the magnificent Paul Young from the show's iconic debut season. As much as I loved the Paul storyline, with his mysterious motives and dark backstory and just everything about him being positively intriguing, I had to admit that Dave Williams was an even better villain.
Then came the final seconds of season 6.
In one of the most epic-feeling, shivers-down-your-spine moments of the entire series, the sixth season concludes in a moment where the season's plotlines have been resolved and its bad guys defeated, as Mary Alice's narration and Steve Jablonsky's score suddenly make it feel like a massive other shoe is about to drop in the final seconds. We find out that Lee has found a buyer for Susan's house after she and Mike moved out, and the cinematography takes its delicious time showing us who this mystery guy is - and there he is, cold as ice, the man who stirred the pot for a majority of the first season and had been out of the picture for years. There's something about the moment that makes it feel like more than a typical dramatic-character-return trope, and rather something deeper, as the viewer sees this antagonist so intertwined in the show's lore and essence after being sure that his story had concluded a while ago. In that final shot, you can tell from the look in Paul's eyes that he's up to some next-level shit.
Then came season 7, one of my favorite seasons, in which the hands-down best element is Paul's villainy. When compared to the dark and brooding season 1 Paul, season 7 Paul feels almost cartoonish at times - in the best way possible. His antics are extremely entertaining, and it feels like the writers and the actor knew that they have such a 10/10 villain on their hands that they can just more or less base the season on having Paul scheme, looking like the world's most nefarious motherf**ker while working on the next manipulations and double-crosses. And yet, at the same time, the character is somehow even more tragic than he was in the first season, as he honestly becomes one of the more tragic characters I've seen in any show.
Yeah, he does some terrible and inexcusable stuff, but when you look at the trajectory of his life, you can't help but feel for the guy. Just think about moments like his son Zach telling him that no one could ever love him, and how later in the same episode, his wife legitimately wants to make things right but Paul pushes her away because Zach's words cut him so deep that he believes himself to be unworthy of love and therefore thinks she's just playing him. Or how Paul is just about to murder Felicia, when Susan tries talking to him and manages, barely in the nick of time, to get through to him and reach the man who once was happily married to Susan's friend Mary Alice, still existing deep behind the cold shell of a man that the subsequent events molded him into. Jesus, what a complicated and utterly fascinating guy.
Thank you for reading! Tune in next week for a delightfully absurd post - after noticing that there are two great TV shows that share the trope of having weirdly many car crash / hit-and-run storylines in their plot, I ranked all 36 car incidents from Desperate Housewives and Lost combined.
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