Greetings, reader!
Last week, I shared my ranking of every phone-answering “Hello!” gag in Modern Family, having recently finished re-watching the entire series with the documentation of certain running jokes constantly on my mind. Today’s list will tackle the perhaps only running gag in the series that I love even more: jokes based on the name of fictional company Closets, Closets, Closets, Closets. I’ve always been impressed by how many times they managed to utilize the same goofy baseline joke for a different variation on the joke, and how many clever lines and dialogues were built from the same idea across the seasons. Now, I’m not counting the mere times that the company is mentioned (even though it’s inherently humorous every time), but specifically those times where the silly name of the company is the foundation of a joke - and I’m ranking the bits based on how funny I personally find them to be!
9. “I wish I could see the look on his stupid face, face, face, face” -Jay (Australia, Season 5 Episode 20)
These are all pretty good, but for the high standards of “Closets, Closets, Closets, Closets” jokes, this dig at CEO Earl Chambers falls a tad short / could be considered a bit easy and/or lazy. It’s still a good laugh, but not nearly as hilarious as a vast majority of these!
8. “My old nemesis Closets, Closets, Closets, Closets“ / “…I’m back there!” -Claire & Phil (A Stereotypical Day, Season 8 Episode 2)
This is quite a unique one, as the name of the company isn’t the main punchline in the joke, but still an important ingredient in why this bit works. In the cold open, Phil gets stuck in a closet, and being scarred by this claustrophobic experience defines his storyline for the episode. He seems to be doing better, but when Claire mentions the rival company’s name in an offhand remark, hearing the word “Closets” four time in a row brings Phil’s trauma flooding back in an amusing fashion. A clever twist on the running joke!
7. “Frazier had Ali - Pritchett’s Closets has Closets, Closets, Closets, Closets. It’s a stupid name, but those cats can bowl” -Jay (Bad Hair Day, Season 4 Episode 16)
Otherwise, this would probably be ranked last, as it barely counts as a joke - but, the thing is, this is the first time we ever hear the iconic company name! The first time is always important, and as the name had no mileage, the ‘joke’ at this point in the show’s trajectory comes just from hearing something as ridiculous as “Closets, Closets, Closets, Closets” for the first time! Plus, Jay’s snide remark about the company’s name is a decent bit of dry humor.
6. “They were just purchased by Closets…” / “NO” / “…Closets…” / “No, Margaret!” / “…Closets Closets” -Margaret & Claire (In Your Hear, Season 9 Episode 13)
This one loses some originality points, as it's not all that different from a few C.C.C.C. jokes from the earlier seasons - but, if it ain't broke, right? So, while I have even more respect for all the times where a whole new twist is found to utilize the silly company name, I do admit that this semi-recycled joke still works, and it's still different enough to not feel too lazy. There's something inherently funny in Claire's fearful reaction to the first "Closets", contrasted with how she holds out a desperate hope that it might be about something else until the very end.
5. “My Grandpa works for Closets, Closets, Closets…” / “…Closets. Yeah, I know him” -Sophie & Jay (Won’t You Be Our Neighbor, Season 6 Episode 5)
As much as I love the bits where a character supposedly doesn't get or fully accept what is being discussed until the very last "Closets" hits, there's also something to be said for this one, where Jay immediately gets where the line is going and finishes Sophie's sentence with elegant grit. It's funny in a simple way, but still, really funny.
4. “We got outbid” / “By who?” / “I’ll give you four guesses” -Jay & Claire (Australia, Season 5 Episode 20)
Sometimes, not saying a thing can be way funnier than saying it could ever be. Ed O'Neill's dry-wit line delivery in particular makes this into a classic exchange - his tone as he hits the word "four" is so f**king real, to a hilarious degree.
3. “You beat Closets, Closets, Closets, Closets, Closets?” / “We destroyed them! And it’s Closets, Closets, Closets, Closets“ / “What did I say?” / “We went through this for a half-hour yesterday, I can’t do it again” -Gloria & Jay (Bad Hair Day, Season 4 Episode 16)
As is the case with this entire running gag but this instance in particular - the premise is so f**king dumb, yet absolutely hysterical. Trying to explain the joke would make it sound so stupid - "it's supposed to be initially funny because the company name is the same word four times, and this time it's extra funny because Gloria says it five times instead of four" - but it just works to perfection. The cherry on top is the implication that this interaction has happened multiple times.
2. “It’s for Closets, Closets…” / “I don’t like where this is going” / “…Closets…” / “Don’t say it” / “…Closets.” / *GASP* / “What did you think the last word might be?” -Mitch & Cam (The Closet Case, Season 7 Episode 3)
This episode contains the entirety of today's top two, and is clearly the GOAT when it comes to this ultra-specific brand of Modern Family humor. The writers make the most out of the reveal that Mitch took a job with his dad's old rivals - there's something utterly hilarious about Cam quickly understanding where this is probably going, but holding his breath until the very end to be sure. And since Jesse Tyler Ferguson is the cast's #1 best at dry, sarcastic quips, you know that his comment about the interaction's absurdity at the end of the dialogue is magnificent.
1. “It’s for Closets, Closets, Closets…” / “That next word better not be ‘closets’” / “Of course it’s closets!” / “Now I’m confused, are you talking about Closets, Closets, Closets, Closets or Of Course It’s Closets?” -Mitch & Jay (The Closet Case, Season 7 Episode 3)
And later in the same episode, we get a twist on the same joke but between Mitch and Jay this time - and it's somehow even better. This is partially because the Modern Family writers know how to utilize repetition to make the second version of the same joke even better than the first, partially because "That next word better not be 'Closets'" is 10/10 comedy both in terms of screenwriting and delivery, and partially because the conversation then drifts on to further silly-closet-company-names worldbuilding (which, in later seasons, becomes a running joke of its own). In any case, the very best mileage of this beloved running gag comes in this incredible interaction.
Thank you for reading! Tune in next week as I rank the top 10 lines from the entirety of Modern Family.
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