Greetings, reader!
Yes, I'm fully aware that today's post has very little to do with movies and television. But hey, I don't make the rules. My Uncle Dan, one of my idols in life humor-wise, recently suggested this topic, and obviously I had to roll with it. So, here is my official ranking of the ten Arabic numerals!
10. 9
Yeah, I reckon we can all agree that 9 is just one sorry excuse for a number. This fucking mess of a numeral is associated with negative shit like the circles of Hell in Dante's Divine Comedy, the Rings for Men that ended up corrupting humanity and creating the Nazgul in Tolkien's The Lord of the Rings, and the notoriously self-indulgent Beatles 'song' Revolution 9. Even the number's visual look is a problem: society just can't decide whether it should be drawn with a straight line or a curve, and the whole 'upside down six' causes confusion in card games while making it clear that the number 9 is just a lazy rip-off of a much better number.
Furthermore, iconic classical composers from Beethoven and Mahler to Bruckner and Dvorak all died after composing their ninth simphonies, so this god-awful number has some serious blood on its hands. And don't get me started on the absolutely nonsensical idioms such as "cloud nine", "the whole nine yards" or "cats have nine lives" - does anyone know what the hell they're supposed to mean? Even in The 12 Days of Christmas, the objective low-point is "Nine ladies dancing" - what a weird thing to receive as a gift, and so plainly worded as opposed to the poetic majesty of "Geese a-laying" or "Lords a-leaping".
And if you've followed the news lately, you might have noticed that between the striking-down of Roe v. Wade and the shady luxury trips of Clarence Thomas, the U.S. Supreme Court hasn't exactly been getting the best press. So take a wild guess how many justices sit on that damned bench - that's right, f**king nine once again. And as the absolute nail on the coffin in this anti-9 rant, I must share that the Finnish word for 'nine' is 'yhdeksän', which has got to be one of the ugliest words in an otherwise beautiful language.
9. 1
Now this might be a hot take, as 1 is such an iconic and relevant number - many might put it all the way on the #1 spot. And I get it - between the decent U2 song and the much-better Metallica song, the fact that the first instalment of almost any movie franchise is the best one, and the general winning energy of being #1, the numeral has a lot going on for it.
But there's a massive downside to this general crowd favorite. May I remind you of the tragedy in Tolkien's Middle-Earth - everything was fine when multiple rings were divided amongst the Quendi, but when Sauron broke the balance by creating one ring to rule them all, everything went to shit. And this is far from the only tragedy associated with the slightly overrated number - Episode I: The Phantom Menace is often considered the worst Star Wars film, and what was the first day of the week again? Oh, that's right - M*nday. And we all know how we feel about that bullshit.
8. 2
The chronologically second numeral doesn't really have a strong personality to it, when compared to the distinct associations drawn to most numerals. It's a bit of a dud, but inoffensive enough to make it ahead of the slightly problematic 1 (not to mention the goddamn train-wreck known as the number 9). The most personable thing about the number 2 is probably the slang-term 'deuce', which on one hand is used when talking about taking a dump, but on the other hand, makes for 'Deuces are wild', which is an exciting factor in the card game Black Malarkey, as well as a kick-ass Aerosmith song.
7. 5
The number 5 was a difficult one to rank - having more positives but also more negatives than most numerals, this truly is the Avengers: Age of Ultron (2015) of numbers. To start off with the negatives, the five stages of grief often appear under circumstances of loss and sorrow, while the iconic five-second rule can't possibly be good for one's hygiene. Furthermore, bands with this number in the title seem cursed - Five Seconds of Summer is as offensive to punk rock as Five-Finger Death Punch is to metal, as well as Maroon 5 to music in general.
Well, if you're wondering why a number with so many negative associations has made it ahead of the thoroughly solid 2, that is because the positives are even more plentiful. Kurt Vonnegut's masterpiece Slaughterhouse-5 is one of the hands-down best books I've ever read, and Dave Brubeck Quartet's Take Five is one of the greatest jazz songs of all time. Fans of fantasy franchises have long been fascinated with the Five Wizards in Tolkien's lore, the War of the Five Kings in Game of Thrones (2011-2019), and the physics-defying franchise-best film Fast Five (2011). And who among us hasn't enjoyed a five-act Shakespeare play, chewed a delicious piece of 5 gum, or landed a perfect edition of humankind's most kick-ass gesture - the high five?
6. 10
I really, really, really like 'Top 10' lists. Also, the number can be found on the shirt of the greatest to ever kick a football - Lionel f**king Messi. 'Nuff said.
5. 7
One big downside to this famous lucky number is that its visual outlook is always a bit of a mess - I dream of a society that one day comes together to decide, for once and for all, if there should be a line in the middle or not. On the other hand, one massive upside (and the biggest reason for 7's placement in my top 5) is that as a drummer and general rhythm enthusiast, I've always loved 7/8 rhythms, and playing to seven is just such a fun groove.
Other than that, 7 is associated with a multitude of things that are good but not the best. The Faith of the Seven is an intriguing fictional religion in A Song of Ice and Fire, but I've always been more of an Old Gods guy. Seven rings were given to the dwarves in Tolkien's fantasy world, but I've always been more of a hobbit guy. 7-Up is a thoroughly decent soft drink, but I've always been more of a Coca-Cola guy. Se7en is one of the better David Fincher films, but I've always been more of a Fight Club (1999) guy. Seitsemän Veljestä ('The Seven Brothers) is a legendary play by Finland's Aleksis Kivi, but I've always been more of a Nummisuutarit guy. Do you see a pattern emerging?
4. 6
While not the most mainstream or obvious favorite, the number 6 has many quite obscure connections that absolutely delight me. Six Degrees of Inner Turbulence is an excellent album by prog metal band Dream Theater, while Hexagon Force was one of the coolest levels to play in the classic phone game Geometry Dash. Furthermore, there's some comedic mileage to how the number translates to other languages - just ask our Swedish, Norwegian or Latin-speaking friends.
3. 3
Ah, I'm glad that in just one case, the numeral in question corresponded with its ranking on my list.
This is a big one - between Rings of Power divided amongst Elves, acts of storytelling in traditional screenwriting, and celebrity deaths accoring to Tracy Jordan (Tracy Morgan) on 30 Rock (2006-2013), many things come in threes. The number is especially evident in many religious movements - the Holy Trinity of Christianity, the Three Jewels of Buddhism, the Triple Goddess of Wicca and the Stone, Cloak and Wand forming the Deathly Hallows all hold a lot of meaning for a lot of people. There seems to be something truly special, even magical, about this number.
And let's not forget that the third time's the charm!
2. 8
I mean, this severely underrated number just feels to good to be true. Forming an octave and having a hand in the Dream Theater album Octavarium, forming the 8-) emoticon and and having a hand in 8-bit video games, the number eight sure gets around. Turn it sideways and you get the symbol for eternity, which is a pretty cool feat (I'd like to see suckers like 9 accomplishing something so cool).
This number also finds itself at the epicenter of many classic number-related jokes, like the legendary "Why was 6 afraid of 7? Because 7 8 9" - obviously, many numbers make an appearance, but 8 is absolutely carrying the joke with the humorous value of 'eight' and 'ate' having the same pronounciation. Furthermore, I wouldn't be a trule Beatlemaniac if I didn't mention the majestic Eight Days a Week, and this sure wouldn't be a movie blog at heart unless I pointed out how both 8 Mile (2002) and The Hateful Eight (2015) are peak cinema.
1. 4
"There...are...FOUR...LIGHTS!"
- Captain Jean-Luc Picard (Patrick Stewart), in one of the most iconic moments of Star Trek: The Next Generation (1987-1994) and one of the best-acted scenes in television history.
Four Gospels in the New Testament, Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse. Four Houses of Hogwarts, Four suits in a card deck. Four cheeses in the best damn pizza I ever ate. Everything interesting in the world seems to more or less begin and end with this utterly glorious numeral.
Take the concept of 'Four Seasons' - this mere pairing of words makes for a decent year structure, an iconic hotel chain, a series of Vivaldi masterpieces and one hell of a doo-wop rock n' roll group. And speaking of music, perfect fourths make for one hell of an interval, while 4th degree chords are the cornerstone of many a composition (I especially like turning the major 4th into a minor 4th at the end of a chord progression, also known as 'the Green Day chord'). And all the best and most influential bands seem to have exactly four members - The Beatles, Queen, Metallica, Rage Against the Machine, Säätövara, need I go on?
Every year on May the 4th, the world puts aside its differences and comes together to celebrate International Star Wars Day - and righfully so, because what was the best Star Wars movie again? Oh, that's right - Episode IV - A New Hope (originally just titled Star Wars, but gaining its better-known title due to its placement as the chronologically fourth film of the Skywalker Saga).
And one more thing - what's the very best thing a sitcom or movie can do, when wanting to get meta and address the audience? That's right - breaking the fourth wall. Many a good thing comes from this magnificent numeral, the best of the best.
Thank you for reading! Tune in next week for my ranking of the top 10 films by the production company Blumhouse Productions.
ReplyDelete10. 9
Perhaps the only ranking I “might” truly agree with. “9 is just one sorry excuse for a number.” And I’ve always wondered about 9 ladies dancing myself… were they dancing with or without clothes on? Perhaps those lords-a-leaping were leaping for the ladies dancing?
9. 1
Surely this number can’t be in ninth place. All of those other numbers placed AHEAD of what is well known as “the loneliest number?” The start of any list of numbers, other than zero which is an assumed given unless there is a reason to include it – certainly the number that is always ahead of its time and the first to actually measure a value?
8. 2
And how can 2 be so far behind three? Everyone knows that two is company and three is a crowd. You should have been crowing about this one’s position instead of relegating it to the “also rans.”
7. 5
Perhaps correctly rated, but it’s long been known that the idea that anything dropped on the floor is now “polluted” and should not be eaten is pretty much an urban myth promulgated by protective mothers, ergo the 5-second-rule has real merit despite your denigration.
You’ve landed dead on with the high-five, but what about the merits of 5 Card Stud, 5 Card Draw, and so many other poker games that require ‘five cards”?
And. of course, despite it’s greatness, there are the negatives. The famous 5 finger discount… or Maradonna’s famous five finger assist?
Surely those are all enough reason to move this higher.
6. 10
'Top 10' lists are great for starting arguments of which no-one can win, but certainly equating Lionel Messi as the GOAT? Do you jest? Ahead of Pele or Marradona or Ronaldo? It’s so easy to forget those who came before, when you didn’t see those who came before personally. I can’t disagree that he was “one” of the best of all time – certainly the best of “his” time, but that too will change.
But as for 10 being “in” the top ten, shouldn’t you have been rating this as zero through 9? I mean after all, the foundation of modern mathematics was based upon this Indian creation for place holding – moving zero itself into perhaps the top three of all time. I guess I can give you credit as this is the only number that contains a zero in your list, so at least you’ve acknowledged it’s presence!
5. 7
Of course 7 has to be a leading candidate, and for Craps players it’s second cousin 11 would run right in there too – except that it has double digits – but since you used 10 why couldn’t we include 11, perhaps as a subset of 1 as it’s “just one off?”
4. 6
Why is this in the top 5 when it is that “just one more” that now requires a second hand or second set of toes to tally with? Even with check counting – four lines and a slash makes five – but as soon as you get to six it requires starting all over.
3. 3
Absolutely let's not forget that the third time's the charm, but let’s also not forget that many think that “bad things come in threes”, “sneezes” come in threes, and as mentioned above – three is a crowd.
2. 8
A lazy 8 is the infinity sign? Surely that alone should move this to the top of the list. From “just” another number to the ultimate number? Almost a google of reasons to move this up! But surely there can be nothing but eye-rolls for the “iconic” Eight Days a Week? Almost as bad as saying the store is open 25 hours a day…
1. 4
Now why would you place the first loser as the best of the best? The first of the “also rans?” Horse racing, 1st 2nd and 3rd - Win, Place and Show – leaving 4th as the… first loser? Olympics – what color does fourth get? Gold, Silver and Bronze I know – but fourth is… Black? White? Red?