Culinary Month: Ranking every Taco Bell menu item I’ve tasted

Greetings, reader!

Culinary Month concludes in the only way possible, when it comes to me - a Taco Bell feast. Ever since we got my favorite fast food chain in Finland, and Jyväskylä in particular, I’ve become quite well-acquainted with their delicious menu. I know Taco Bell has its haters, but I have always felt a special connection with the chain - it may not be the cheapest, or the healthiest, or the fanciest, or the least messy, or the spiciest, or anything resembling authentic Mexican cuisine…but it doesn’t need to be. For that specific craving of enjoyable, greasy and chaotic fast food, there’s nothing like it. Here’s my ranking of every menu item I’ve had the pleasure of consuming from Taco Bell!

Note on the highly scientific method: I counted every item that can be ordered as a meal or an individual thing as an individual item, as well as counting sides, sharables and dessert items separately. For drinks, I counted only those that are made in a specific way in Taco Bell, but not generic soda fountain items, because something like Coca-Cola doesn’t really feel like a ”Taco Bell menu item” as it tastes the same there as anywhere else. I didn’t go as far as to count dips separately, as they are so inherently something you order as a part of a larger whole, but suffice to say that their Cali Ranch is like a dear friend to me and the Cheddar dip would come as a close second.

29. Naked Chicken Taco

Now, I’d be lying if I said this unhinged creation made in defiance of God didn’t taste good. Back when I still ate meat, I enjoyed the hell out of this outrageous taco where the taco shell itself is made of fried chicken. But the thing is - now that I’m fully vegetarian, it feels only natural to rank this one last. In a move that every single restaurant should be following, you can basically get any menu item from Taco Bell as a vegetarian version, which is a lot nicer than having 1 or 2 veggie options to choose from - but for understandable reasons, this item is an exception as a vegetarian version would make zero sense.

One could argue that I should’ve still ranked the Naked Chicken Taco higher, because I used to really like its taste. But, as is the case with my movie/TV posts, any given list is inseparable from my ethics, and a food being available as a more environmentally friendly and less animal-killing way is immediately a reason to put all of the non-meat options ahead of this one in my book.

28. Coffee

Look, I won’t tell you to never order coffee from Taco Bell - sometimes a situation does call for such drastic action. But unless the circumstances dictate this, I highly recommend getting your coffee from anywhere else than a fast food joint whenever possible. It’s not great.

27. Nachos (side)

I love nachos as much as the next guy, but with Taco Bell, you gotta get the upgrade version for the real experience. The regular nachos just aren’t cutting it - it could be that time is embellishing my memory for dramatic effect, but to the best of my recollection, this version doesn’t have any sauce, any proper seasoning and absolutely fuck-all except for the mere nacho chips. It’s fairly dry and upsetting.

26. Mexi Melt

A mainstay of the ”cravings” portion on the menu, the Mexi Melt is one of those cute little items that you can add to your order to make sure that your meal will be filling enough. Such items are a brilliant concept, but this specific snack is the least tasty and inspiring item from that selection.

25. Fries (side)

Obviously, the upgrade fries are a lot better - but the regular isn’t bad either. It does sort of have the same issue as the regular nachos, but with fries, it doesn’t bother me so much - especially as I like the way they’re seasoned and properly salty. It’s a decent side, especially if you add some of Taco Bell’s signature Fire Sauce to counteract the dryness.

24. Vegan Griller

More from the cravings menu! The grillers read like miniature burritos - way too small to do anything to your appetite, but a nice addition to a combination of items when having a proper fast food feast. The combination of ingredients isn’t quite as solid as in the other griller, but I still do appreciate this one.

23. Beefy Nacho Griller

I was happy to find out that even the menu items with “beefy” in the name can be gotten as vegetarian versions, substituting the ground beef for the Bell’s excellent plant-based protein! The beefy nacho griller is wonderfully cheesy and filled to the brim with your protein of choice, and it’s among the better items from the cravings menu.

22. Salad Supreme

I’m pretty sure I’ve only ordered this once - I had just arrived at the Tikkurila railway station after a long and jetlagged flight from the States, and in a bizarre and rather extreme mixture of sleepiness and hunger, I felt the most obscure and specific of cravings - a Taco Bell salad.

As one can guess, it’s not so much a “salad” per se - basically, it’s the insides of a Taco Bell taco put into a dish. It’s not bad, but a vast majority of the stuff you can get from my favorite fast food chain is inevitably better.

21. Freeze Blue Ice

The Freeze is a signature item in Taco Bell, making for a nice and slushy blend of drink and dessert. In the U.S., they have all sorts of crazy flavors (reading about the Mountain Dew Baja Blast Freeze struck me with so much awe that I named a play I wrote after it), but in Finland, they only have two (at least in the Jyväskylä location). Both are decent, but Blue Ice is the lesser option in my view.

20. Mini Quesadilla

The hands-down best item from the cravings menu is the Mini Quesadilla, which I often find myself adding to the order if I’m so hungry that a regular meal won’t quite cut it. The only real downside to this one is that it’s so damn small, and you’ll end up wanting more of the same (hence the life-size Quesadillas on the menu).

19. Churros in Chocolate Sauce

The only pure dessert item to be regularly found on the Taco Bell menu in Finland, the churros in chocolate sauce are quite a treat. I have to admit that I order this very rarely, as my average Taco Bell order is made in such a hungry state that I recognize the absolute lack of room for dessert after I’m finished. But once in a blue moon, I’ll be in the mood for churros when ordering from the Bell, and they never disappoint.

18. Upgrade Nachos

Oh, hell yeah. The Upgrade version of a Taco Bell side is inherently better, with the delicious mixture of pico de gallo, melted cheese and sour cream adding so much to taste and texture alike. I still prefer the chain’s fries to their nachos, but still, the upgraded version of their dry and somewhat un-seasoned nacho chips makes them infinitely better and ends up being quite a treat.

17. Nachos Supreme

Very similar to the Upgrade Nachos side, but bigger and better. This item is filling enough to fill a medium-sized appetite, and is a thoroughly enjoyable eating experience (even if there are many even better treats to be found on their menu). Sometimes, Martta and I will both get our own meals but additionally one of these bad boys to split, and honestly, that’s never a bad idea.

16. Naked Burrito Bowl

Okay, remember how I mentioned that Taco Bell’s “salad” is just the insides of their archetypical taco dumped into a dish? Well, this one is the same but for one of their deluxe burritos, meaning that there’s a shit-ton of everything from sauces and spices to protein and rice. I’ll still order a taco or burrito etc. over this one almost every time, but every once in a while, going back to this delightfully quirky dish is refreshing and fun!

15. Freeze Lemon

This fresh and fun slushy drink is the better of the two Freeze flavors we get in Finnish Taco Bells! It tastes just like you’ll expect, and gets the job done - most times, I just get a regular soda from the Bell, but whenever I alternate and go with one of these, it’s the exact right choice for that moment.

14. Chalupa Supreme

Now we’re slowly starting to get to the classics! Not quite a taco but not quite a burrito either, this flatbread-based meal has all the stuff you’d expect inside, with the end result being properly greasy and filling fast food. Many of the similar menu items are even slightly better and thus ranked ahead, but still, there’s a good reason that this used to be one of my very most-ordered go-to meals especially when Taco Bell first came to Finland.

13. Quesadilla

Now, if you’ve ever had a real quesadilla, it’s important to adjust your expectations here. Of course, the same applies to any Mexican dish and Taco Bell’s version of it - but I’d argue that it especially applies here. Taco Bell’s quesadilla is to the real thing what Greta Van Fleet is to Led Zeppelin, or the Star Wars prequels are to the original trilogy, or Julian Alvarez to Lionel Messi.

But that’s just it - when you stop the comparisons and just enjoy stuff, Greta Van Fleet is a really good band even if it’s no Led Zeppelin, just like the Star Wars prequels are decent cinema and Alvarez is a brilliant football player. While being just a shadow of quesadillas in their full potential, Taco Bell’s take on the dish is still fairly delicious in all simplicity.

12. Updgrade Fries

I f**king love this side, and I almost always pay the extra 1 euro and 50 cents as it is quite the bargain considering the difference in quality. The same elements are added as in the Upgrade Nachos, but they hit even harder here - not even the presence of coriander, which I’m not a big fan of, can come close to ruining the joyous mess of ingredients that makes up this side.

11. Cheese Quesadilla

Learning the difference between this and the regular quesadilla was a wild ride - initially, you assume this’ll be better because the addition of “Cheese” to the title in an already cheese-based dish implies MORE CHEESE, which is always a good thing. Then, you eventually wonder why the regular quesadilla costs more, and come to the realization that the key difference is that it has a protein of your choice while this one doesn’t, so the name is “Cheese Quesadilla” as in “Just cheese / The cheese has a more prominent role due to the absence of other stuff”.

But, when you’re far enough along your Taco Bell journey, you’ll realize that despite this plot twist, your initial reaction was right - somehow, the Cheese Quesadilla is slightly better even though it really kinda shouldn’t be. Sure, it’s less filling and I wouldn’t recommend having this as your main course if you’re properly hungry - but purely taste-wise, this just works even better (probably because the delicious 4-cheese blend does indeed have a more prominent role).

10. Beefy Cheesy Burrito

Mm, hell yeah. Once again, I have so much respect for chains and restaurants where you can order basically anything as a vegetarian version - the name of this dish implies that the beef plays a big part, but I’m guessing that it doesn’t lose any of its quality when it’s substituted with a large, well-seasoned amount of the Bell’s plant-based protein. Add to that the typical Taco Bell burrito ingredients and a f**k-bunch of melted cheese, and you have yourself a filling, satisfying eating experience.

9. Fully Loaded Fries

This is what happens when you take the already amazing Upgrade Fries, and add a whole lot more stuff to make it even messier and more fun to eat! No notes.

8. Cheesy Gordita Crunch

One of the more standout items in a menu where most dishes are close variations of each other, the Cheesy Gordita Crunch is a unique and enriching addition to Taco Bell’s tapestry of meals. When the Bell first came to Finland, this and the Chalupa Supreme were my most common alternatives to what is still my #1 favorite - and while a select few dishes have skated ahead of this dynamic duo, I still have a lot of love for them. And out of the two, the CGC is the vastly superior one.

The way in which the flatbread exterior, the crunchy taco layer and all the good stuff swiveling within play together and complement one another is quite exquisite - I particularly appreciate the role of the California Ranch sauce in this one, as well as the sheer amount of cheese.

7. Taco / Taco Supreme

It’s basic, but let’s face it - even the most diehard Beatles fan with the most hot takes on underrated songs will feel like listening to Yesterday every now and then, just like any proper Frasier fan will choose to watch The Ski Lodge for the millionth time once in a while no matter how much they can quote the dialogue from memory. If you’re enough of a classic, true fans will never get sick of you.

Now, the big issue with a regular Taco Bell taco is that much like the regular cheese burger in any fast food burger joint, it isn’t filling in the slightest. In fact, I’m pretty sure that having just one of these bad boys would literally only make me hungrier.

But, you gotta learn how to utilize the Taco. One strategy is to use it like something off the Cravings menu - order a full meal of something else, and as the final nail on the coffin for your hunger, an individual Taco to top it off. Another tactic, one that I use less frequently but is arguably even more fun, is ordering like five or six of these bastards and nothing else in lieu of a meal. You can even spice things up with fun variations - maybe add Cali Ranch to one of the Tacos, have a few of them be hard-shell even though the soft-shell is objectively better, et cetera. The sky is the limit!

6. Vegan Burrito

As much as I love Taco Bell to an admittedly weird degree, even I have to admit it - most of their dishes are quite stuffy. Those Weekend Update jokes where Taco Bell meals and bowel movement horror stories go hand in hand don’t come from nowhere. I generally don’t mind this, because I think fast food is allowed to be messy and I know what to expect with the Bell - but it’s nice to know that on those rare occasions where you choose to go to Taco Bell but don’t want a complete “ähky” (there’s no perfect translation in English for this gem of the Finnish language), the perfect dish does exist.

Now, it’s still a Taco Bell menu item, so it’s not exactly health food - but the Vegan Burrito is so delightfully fresh compared to its counterparts! The soft wheat tortilla, the plentiful room given to guacamole and rice in the filling, the delicately proportioned protein and salad elements - this item gives you room to breathe in a nice, refreshing way. I can’t rank it higher than this because there are messy-and-stuffy-in-the-right-way junk food items to be found that I enjoy even more - but I will say that this is the only Taco Bell dish that could almost be counted as cuisine. It’s like Fast Five being actual cinema - if you compare it to the other Fast & Furious movies.

5. Cheesy Topped Fries

This is such a sweet spot - it's slightly less filling and stuffy than the Fully Loaded Fries, but it's bigger and better (and, most importantly, cheesier) than the Upgrade Fries. That makes this into the perfect side dish, or a thoroughly excellent shareable item. The combination of flavors, in this exact ratio, is pretty damn unbeatable in its own category.

4. Nacho Cheese Drip Burrito

Have I mentioned yet that I love plentiful amounts of cheese in my Taco Bell meals? This burrito has melted cheese as a key ingredient inside the taco, while being served with a dish of additional cheddar sauce to dip it in. I'm pretty sure there's even some cheese ingrained into the tortilla itself. This is the newest main course item on the Finnish Taco Bell menu, and oh man, it's a masterpiece.

3. Double Crunchwrap Supreme

I initially had this even ahead of the regular Crunchwrap Supreme, but then I felt the spirit and ended up reversing the order. Sure, the DCS could be argued to be even better because, well, it's more. But there's just something special, magical, even untouchable about the original...maybe it's that that ingredient ratios hit even harder, or that I generally prefer ordering a slightly less filling main course so that I have more room to go nuts with the sides. In any case, the Double Crunchwrap Supreme is among the very best ones for obvious reasons, but it doesn't quite have what it takes to break into the top two.

2. Grilled Stuft Burrito

All of the burritos on the Taco Bell menu are solid, but this one stands in a league of its own. There's such a perfect amount of everything, the tastes of the different ingredients clash together beautifully, and the whole thing is just such a delightful fast food experience. Highly recommended, as you can't really go wrong with this one.

1. Crunchwrap Supreme

At the end of the day, it had to be this chain-defining item at #1. Everything you want from wannabe-Mexican fast food can be found here in ample amounts - a glorious mess of protein, salad, cheese, spices and sauces, wrapped up in a crunchy tostada which in turn is wrapped up in a soft wheat tortilla. It's my favorite fast food menu item of all time (no contest really), and its existence continues to bring joy into my life.

Thank you for reading! Culinary Month is now over, so tune in next week as I return to my movie/TV topics with a ranking of the very best lines of dialogue from the sitcom Modern Family.

Culinary Month: Top 5 fictional foods/drinks that I’d most like to taste (and 5 I would NOT)

Greetings, reader!

Culinary Month continues, although this one would qualify for one of my typical posts as well, as I’m ranking fictional foods and drinks from movies, television and literature! There are many foods and drinks from the world of fiction that I’ve dreamt of tasting, while others I would stay the hell away from in any given situation. So here are the top 5 fictional foods and drinks that I would like to taste the most, as well as the top 5 least appetizing ones!

Here are my honorable mentions: Nozz-a-la from Stephen King’s Dark Tower books and Scooby Snacks from Scooby-Doo for the ones I’d like to taste; Flaming Moe’s from The Simpsons and Garmonbozia from Twin Peaks for the ones I’d wouldn’t.

#5 in hell no: Moloko Plus (A Clockwork Orange)

Anthony Burgess describes this as “milk with knives in it” in his book - I don’t know how literal he was being, but in any case, it can’t be very good, right? It’s also implied that consuming this is one of the things that makes protagonist Alex DeLarge act so violently, and that the drink is laced with several hard drugs. Uh, I’m good, thanks.

#5 in hell yeah: Melange Coffee (Dune)

I know I shouldn’t - consuming the fictional Spice has positive effects but also negative ones in the Dune books and movie adaptations, and if it was a real thing, it would probably be wise to steer clear of it due to danger of addiction as well as ethical concerns. But, the thing is - I’m *such* a coffee geek, and whenever Frank Herbert would describe a character adding melange to their coffee, my mouth would water. I’m not proud of it, okay - but yeah, I’d love a taste.

#4 in hell no: Victory Gin (1984)

In his dystopian masterpiece, George Orwell describes the feeling of swallowing this beverage as a “sensation of being hit in the back of the head with a rubber club”. The fact that people drink mainly this mundane and boring beverage is one of the many elements that color the atmosphere of 1984 and make the dystopia feel truly bleak - reading these pages will make you so grateful for the existence of miracles like scotch whisky and iced coffee.

#4 in hell yeah: The Perfect Burger (How I Met Your Mother)

Now, I’m a vegetarian, so realistically, I couldn’t eat an exact replication of Marshall’s white-whale hamburger from How I Met Your Mother’s iconic The Best Burger in New York episode. But, the thing is - in an episode that always makes the viewer hungry even if they just ate, the writing is so genuinely inspired by a passion for good food that the descriptions of the burger manage to transcend concepts like meat and vegetarianism.

Therefore, I can easily relate to Marshall’s quest, and imagine the exact same thing but as a plant-based version, therefore feeling his longing and anguish (and the eventual payoff) with full force. Now that’s good TV!

#3 in hell no: Fight Milk (It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia)

Initially, I had this on my draft for the “Ones I’d like to taste” list, because I figured that even though Charlie and Mac’s alcoholic milk-based protein drink can’t possibly be very good, I would be curious to try it out due to morbid curiosity and comedic value. But then I did some research for this list, and was reminded of a very crucial detail that my memory had omitted: in addition to milk and vodka, the recipe includes crow eggs. So, uh, pass. I would be interested to try Frank’s Wolf Cola though!

#3 in hell yeah: MacCutcheon Whisky (Lost)

I was so mad when I found out that this isn’t a real thing. MacCutcheon only plays a crucial role in a handful of Lost episodes, although it appears in several more as a background Easter Egg in various flashback sequences. But the episodes in which the fictional Scotch whisky does play a part, like the Desmond-centric masterwork Flashes Before Your Eyes, paint such an elegant picture of its taste. I don’t know what drink they used for the scenes where we see the drink, but even the color is so beautiful - and as a wannabe whisky enthusiast, my mouth was watering.

#2 in hell no: Slurm (Futurama)

Based on the social discussion around the meat industry in the last few years, I’m positive that a lot of y’all would be not only consuming Slurm if it really existed, but up in arms defending its mass production and consumption despite the ethical concerns in how it’s made.

Now, I won’t pretend to be the perfectly ethical consumer, but I’d like to think that I try hard enough that I would definitely want to steer clear of Slurm, no matter how good it allegedly tastes. If you haven’t seen the Fry and the Slurm Factory episode, I strongly recommend it - it’s a really well-aged critique of ethically ambiguous consumer behavior, in all grossness.

#2 in hell yeah: Lembas bread (The Lord of the Rings)

One small bite is enough to fill the stomach of a grown man? Now this I gotta see. Whenever I re-watch the LOTR films, the Elvish waybread looks fascinating and appetizing, and the descriptions of its taste and effects in the books are pretty neat as well.

#1 in hell no: Cotton Candy Brandy (Big Mouth)

Advertised as "The only booze for kids, by kids", this beverage would sound quite unappealing even without the grave ethical concerns. That'll be a hard pass from me.

#1 in hell yeah: Various beverages by alien cultures (Star Trek)

Where do I start? What I wouldn't give to taste a Raktajino, the way Quark serves them on Deep Space Nine, or the iconic Saurian Brandy at the Enterprise-D's Ten Forward. Romulan Ale would probably not be to my liking, but Klingon Blood Wine on the other hand would be worth trying out of morbid curiosity (it doesn't have actual blood in it...does it?).

I was also always captivated by the bright-green look of Aldebaran Whiskey, which I tried to recreate with a fan-made recipe for an evening with my biggest nerd friends one time. In any case, the various alien beverages from Star Trek top this list with wide margins, as the drinks gain such a personality in the show's mythos that getting to taste them would be a dream come true.

Thank you for reading! Tune in next week as I finish Culinary Month off with a ranking of every menu item I’ve tasted from Taco Bell.

Culinary Month: Top 15 Whiskeys by Distillery

Greetings, reader!

Culinary Month continues, with this week’s post focusing on the best whiskeys out there. While a nice glass of whiskey has become my drink of choice for occasions that call for a tasteful amount of alcohol consumption, I do not claim to be any sort of expert on the subject - I’m still very much learning, and my pallet isn’t all that sophisticated. Still, the part of my brain that makes lists about every damn thing has learned to form a hierarchy of different whiskeys, in a somewhat-analytical, pseudo-scientific manner. I’m not nearly enough of a snob (yet) to recognize the more nuanced differences between a 12-year-old single malt and a 14-year-old single malt or double-charred and triple-distilled, which is why I decided to rank these by distillery/brand. If I’ve only tasted one whiskey from the distillery, it’ll be ranked based on how good that specific whiskey was, and if I’ve had multiple variants, it’ll be ranked based on a combination of them (with emphasis on the better instalments).

Here are my honorable mentions: Aberfeldy, Bowmore, Buffalo Trace, Glenfidich, Teerenpeli.

15. Laphroaig

My understanding is that many whisky enthusiasts would rank this acclaimed single malt Scotch even higher, and probably scoff at many of the cheaper and less fancy whiskies that I have ahead of it on my list. In my defense, I do really like this one - it’s just not among my highest tier of favorites.

At least based on the Laphroaigs I’ve had the pleasure of tasting, I always get the sense that this distillery’s products are to whisky what champagne is to wines - it definitely tastes fancy and thus appropriate for any celebratory occasion, but it tastes fancy more than it does good (this is just my weird subjective take). This makes Laphroaig perfect for a certain occasion, but I still don’t enjoy the taste in a subjective manner quite as much as I do with some other scotches.

14. Bushmills

The Old Bushmills Distillery makes some damn fine Irish whiskey! With products ranging from single malts to blends, I’ve never had a bad experience with Bushmills, as it always seems to hit the spot. It’s one of the most common whiskeys (especially Irish ones) to be available in Finnish bars, and while I don’t order this nearly as enough as I do some even higher-ranking favorites, it’s always a nice fallback option whenever I feel like going with something slightly different.

13. Grant's

This Scotch brand is many things - rich in texture, nuanced in taste, and one of the top whiskies I’d recommend to someone who generally doesn’t like whisky (it’s not too smoky, which I know to be a red flag for many, which always baffles me as I adore the smoky ones). I got a good-sized bottle of Grant's blended scotch from a good friend of mine as a birthday present last year, so that has been the most common night cap for me and my fiancée whenever we feel like one during the past year.

12. Highland Bird

First of all, the specific color of this blended scotch makes it one of the most beautiful whiskies to look at, as it’s just the right tone of deep and elegant gold. The taste is somewhat sweet and fruity, and while it isn’t one of the smokiest scotches, there’s a delightful hint of smoke that adds nuance to the taste and feel. Definitely one of the more underrated whiskies I’ve encountered!

11. Kyrö

In the words of my people, torilla tavataan Perkele!

Between their absolute-cinema ads and their campaign of producing and selling hand sanitizer to support health care workers during Covid-19, there’s a lot to appreciate in this Finnish distillery. Additionally, Kyrö’s rye whisky tastes absolutely excellent, with a proper amount of Finnish grit conveyed in the mouthfeel and aftertaste! Made 100% of Finnish wholegrain rye and aged in American oak barrels, Kyrö Malt is a mature product that takes the best out of both worlds, much like myself. 

10. Jack Daniel’s

I’ve found the average Scottish and Irish whiskeys to be more to my liking than American ones, which I’m kind of glad about - I don’t want to be *that* American (especially since I already am just that when it comes to my taste in movies and music). That being said, some of the American classics are damn good ones, and this iconic Tennessee whiskey is chief among them.

The whiskey of choice for icons like Frank Sinatra and Lemmy Kilmister, Jack Daniel’s has certainly earned its reputation. In my experience, any given Jack Daniel’s label is bound to be smooth in texture, while having a tight taste with sweet undertones. The whiskey also gains extra points for its role in cocktails like the Jack&Coke, as well as being a key ingredient in my Christmas tofu marinade recipe!

9. Starward

Our old high school friend group gets together for a cabin weekend 1-2 times a year, and the last few times have been marked by the cult-like emergence of a society of wannabe whisky enthusiasts. For these occasions, we’ve gotten together to pool our money and get a bottle of a finer whisky than we’re used to, to be consumed between us over the weekend. These experiences have been exquisite, and one of the many delightful drinks I’ve gotten acquainted with via this whisky-nerd-club is this award-winning Australian brand.

Distilled from both wheat and barley malt in a somewhat experimental manner, the product is then matured in Australian red wine casks, which gives it a truly unique taste. This isn’t your average whisky, but is different in a striking, surprising and ultimately brilliant manner! The specific taste given by the maturing process makes for a bizarre combination of whisky and red wine, but once you get used to it, it’s really nice. The texture is also quite remarkable - it’s so smooth that taking a sip doesn’t initially feel like you’re consuming strong alcohol as it goes down very easily, but the dynamite aftertaste is when it gets you.

8. Jameson

When I started to write down notes for a preliminary ranking of the different whiskeys I’ve tasted a long time ago, this Irish household name was ranked a lot lower. Don’t get me wrong, I always liked it, but it certainly wouldn’t have gone ahead of Kyrö or Jack Daniels based on first impressions. But, the thing is - Jameson has really grown on me.

This has a lot to do with deeply subjective emotional associations - as is the case with my movie/TV lists and my music opinions, those things have a lot of sway in any given ranking and have a lot of bearing on how I rank things. After all, our experiences in life affect how we enjoy things and any whiskey (just like any movie or any song) is affected by the context around it!

You see, Jameson is the whiskey of choice for my in-laws - well, more specifically, they are more cognac people, but they know that I’m a whiskey guy and they love me way too much. Therefore, there’s a bottle of Jameson waiting for me pretty much any time I visit my fiancée’s family in North Karelia. Having enjoyed this fine drink with important people whom I love very much on multiple occasions has made the taste of Jameson inseparable from those good times in my mind, and this positive association definitely makes the drink a whole lot better in my subjective taste.

7. Macallan

Founded in 1824 on a site that had been inhabited for thousands of years with a rich history, this Scottish distillery is deeply ingrained in whisky culture. As mythically iconic as Macallan is, it’s not typically available in Finnish bars and is way too expensive for my budget in liquor stores - so I’ve only had it once, when the aforementioned whisky club chose their double cask 15-year-old single malt as our whisky of choice for a cabin weekend.

As far as I recall, it was pure class. As much I appreciate all sorts of different and even gimmicky whiskies, I can also appreciate something like this - not smoky, not spicy, not sweet, nothing extra, just lore-accurate scotch as it should taste.

6. Glenrothes

I got a bottle of this fine, fine whisky as a present from my in-laws a few years ago, and oh man - for the time that the bottle lasted, it was one of my most cherished possessions (we actually still keep it and occasionally use it as a flower vase). That’s how much the present meant to me - and how amazing the whisky was.

Rich in texture, Glenrothes is the kind of Scotch that you must cherish every sip of, enjoying all the little nuances in its taste and aftertaste. We’re really getting to the great ones here!

5. Lagavulin

I wanted to taste this whisky ever since I saw that one Parks & Rec episode, and when I finally got around to it, I was not disappointed. I’ve only tasted it a few times in a few select bars, and it never disappoints - as a major fan of smoky variations of whisky, this is more or less the option when going for proper smokiness. I particularly remember one time when I was out with friends, and my best friend Atte bought me a glass of this fine stuff, and the entire table seemed to ooze of smoke due to the presence of one small glass - as I recall, not everyone was thrilled by this, but I was happy as a clam.

4. Jim Beam

The most iconic bourbon brand of them all, and one of my all-time favorites. Jim Beam may not be as fancy as Lagavulin or Laphroaig, but this is my subjective list, and I’d be lying if I ranked this any lower. For whatever reason, be it a longing for my other home country or something else entirely, the taste of Jim Beam has always been one of my strongest preferences in the world of whiskey.

Originally introduced in 1795 under the name “Old Jake Beam Sour Mash”, the Kentucky-based brand has undergone a rich history, eventually bringing us the stuff we know and love today. There’s just something about that deep-reddish color and fruity taste that feels amiable and even nostalgic (this is one of the first whiskeys I tasted, and the first one I remember really liking). I even conveyed my enjoyment of this brand into the musical I wrote and directed last year - in the very first line of dialogue after the opening number, the protagonist orders a Jim Beam on the rocks.

3. Talisker

When it comes to the smoky ones, Talisker is the GOAT for me. A friend of mine got me a rather nice bottle of Talisker Single Malt (aged 10 years) as a university graduation present, and oh man - it's a rather small bottle, and so far I've only dared to open it once, because that first time was such a savory experience. So I'm saving it for truly special occasions. If you're not into smoky whiskies, you should stay away from this one - but if that's what you like, then I highly recommend this Scottish masterwork.

2. Nikka

The first time that our "whisky club" got together to get a fine bottle for one of our cabin weekends, we opted to go deep down the rabbit hole and try out something completely new for all of us - Japanese whisky. To this day, that weekend remains the only time that I've tasted the Japanese stuff, but based on that, I want more whenever the opportunity arrives - you see, the Nikka Yoichi Single Malt is the stuff of legends. The taste was quite simply mind-blowing - the mildly smoky tone, the array of subtle flavors swiveling in your mouth as you take a sip, the delicate texture...I strongly considered ranking this at #1. But, then, I had to face the truth...

1. Tullamore D.E.W.

I'd be lying to myself if I put anything other than this Irish distillery at first place. First of all, there's the nostalgia aspect. It's not quite the first whiskey I tasted or even the first one I remember really liking - but it is, however, the first one that I discovered after I realized that whiskey might be my drink of choice and that I might want to embark on a journey to find out my favorites. And while I've discovered plenty of great whiskeys since, nothing has quite beaten Tullamore, the taste of which has become akin to the feeling of spending time with an old friend (and isn't there something very Irish about that association?).

Interestingly, there are many things that I generally like in my whiskey that aren't found in Tullamore - it's not the least bit smoky, and there's nothing groundbreaking or unique...nor does there need to be. You see, everything conventional that I like in "regular" whiskey has simply been done to perfection with Tullamore's recipes, which is why it tastes like whiskey in its final form. Compared to many of the more intense drinks on this list, Tullamore feels warm and light and goes down quite easily - but not in a lame way, as it still very much feels like a proper strong whiskey at heart. Quite often, I'll go for something completely new to myself or something I haven't had in a while, if I'm ordering a whiskey at a pub - but if I feel like something sure and familiar, this is the one I keep coming back to.

Thank you for reading! Tune in next week as I rank the top 5 fictional foods/drinks I would like to taste the most, and top 5 that I would NOT want to taste.

Culinary Month: Top 10 coffee drinks / variations

Greetings, reader!

Over the years, I’ve strayed from my core teachings of movie/TV lists multiple times - I’ve done several editions of Music Month and Literature Month, as well as an individual case of Football Month. This time, I’m going further from my wheelhouse than ever before - in a realm in which I truly have no expertise, I’m doing a ”Culinary Month” just for the heck of it. In the first edition of this hilariously out-of-my-depth theme month, today’s post is all about the best types of coffee.

Drawing the distinctions between coffee drinks and deciding what I count as an individual variation was a difficult and arbitrary job, but I ended up creating a system that I can live with. Different espresso-based drinks are counted as their own separate items, regular filter coffee as a whole is counted as one individual, and the rather large swamp of iced coffees was divided into two wide-ranging subgenres that are counted as individuals here. Anyways, these are the best-ever coffee drinks in the view of this passionate caffeine enthusiast!

Here are my honorable mentions: Americano, Cafe Au Lait, Cold Brew, Irish Coffee, Pumpkin Spice Latte.

10. Red Eye

There are many variations of the Red Eye that I’ve come across, but the basic jist is this: it’s like an Americano, except that you replace the hot water with filter coffee. So, basically, you have your regular cup of joe, and then you add a shot of espresso. The end result is something so beautifully strong that it’ll feel shocking on a regular day - but if you’re tired and caffeine-deprived enough, a proper Red Eye feels magical.

I also count further ”Coffee x Coffee” variations under this one, such as the Black Eye (you make a cup by pouring filter coffee across an additional layer of coffee grounds), or my own concoction ”Coffee cubed”, in which you combine the two: 1) brew a regular cup of coffee, 2) pour that over some more coffee grounds for a stronger batch, and 3) drop the metaphorical grenade by mixing in a shot of espresso. Now that’ll wake you up!

9. Espresso

This classic of classics was hard to rank - on one hand, it’s the foundation of all the best coffee recipes out there and my life wouldn’t be the same without it, but on the other, if we’re comparing these as separate items, there’s no way around the fact that the taste of an espresso in itself isn’t quite as much to my enjoyment as many other coffee drinks.

Now, it’s definitely not bad - it’s just a very specific craving. Nine times out of ten, I’ll rather use a shot of espresso to make something further, but whenever that tenth time arrives, there’s nothing that’ll beat the original. Particularly as a pallet-cleanser after a big meal at a nice restaurant, this one (or its double variation, which I didn’t count separately for this list) hits the spot.

8. Macchiato

Some see this as a mere subgenre of the latte, or then of the espresso, but I chose to count it as its own thing. The term ‘Macchiato’ can mean a couple of different things depending on the coffee house, but traditionally, it refers either to an espresso with just a small dollop of steamed milk added, or to a latte with significantly less milk in relation to coffee (and at the end of the day, aren’t these two the same thing?).

In either case, one can rarely go wrong with one of these. It’s admirably strong, and it tastes great when made right.

7. Mocha

If you like both coffee and chocolate, you’re sure to love this delicious mixture. Many variations of the mocha exist, with elements like whipped cream, cinnamon and marshmallows sometimes entering the mix, but the foundation is always the same: whether it’s done via chocolate syrup or cocoa powder, the caffè mocha is the love child of espresso and hot chocolate.

The mocha is somewhat divisive as many traditional coffee enthusiasts consider it too sweet, which I get - but as someone with a big sweet tooth, I’ve always enjoyed the taste of this coffee variation. I don’t choose it out of a good selection all that often, but if I’m in the mood for both A) coffee and B) dessert in the same package, this classic is hard to beat.

6. Filter Coffee

In my initial version of the ranking, regular filter coffee was ranked a lot lower and outside the top ten. But, I looked at things from multiple points of view, and came to the conclusion that it needs to be higher. It may not taste quite as excellent or hit quite as hard as some other variations - but, being the type of coffee that I drink 9 times out of 10, I do have a great deal of love for it. Depending on which factors I emphasize the most on this list, filter coffee could be argued even for the #1 spot or at least the top three, but then again it would be a lot lower if this was purely a question of taste - so #6 is a decent compromise.

While my love for coffee has become a lot deeper after being introduced to various espresso-based concoctions, filter coffee will always be my first love when it comes to this world. It’s what I drink every morning at work, it’s what I dealt with when working as the coffee representative (a real title, and one that I came up with) of my student organization for two years, and it has been like a dear friend to me for about fifteen years now.

5. Latte

But dammit if the best espresso-based coffee drinks aren’t even better taste-wise!

A great example is this true classic of classics - the latte. This mixture of espresso and steamed milk tastes absolutely heavenly when made right, with the large proportion of milk making sure it’ll taste fun and go down easily while the strength of the espresso shot makes sure that it’s still strong and gets you properly caffeinated.

The exact blend of coffee and milk, as well as the style of preparing the milk, isn’t quite as refined as in some other coffee genres, which is why this isn’t ranked even higher - but then again, the simple approach gets the upside that this is super-easy to make at home! Ever since I got an AeroPress for Christmas from my Dad five years ago, a latte has been one of my most common go-to drinks to make with it (I make Americanos even more often, but that’s just because I’m lazy). And it works just as deliciously with oat milk or almond milk as the driving force!

4. Vietnamese

I’ve only been to a proper Vietnamese-style café once, and I don’t remember the name of the specific type of coffee that I had - I just remember that it was one of the very best coffees that I’ve ever consumed, and completely different from anything else I’ve tasted. It was in this small café, run by actual Vietnamese people, in the city of Savonlinna out of all places, and oh man - as I recall, it was wonderfully strong and delicately sweet all at once. Gotta have more of this stuff whenever I get the chance!

3. Iced Coffee

It would’ve felt weird and over-bloated to count all types of iced coffees separately, or to draw the line in some arbitrary place (do I separate frappés from frappuccinos, what about the caramel and/or vanilla and/or chocolate versions of otherwise similar established iced coffees, etc.) - so the most logical distinction seemed to be dividing cold coffees into two main groups. The water-based cold brews were counted as one and made it into the honorable mentions, where as the milk-based ones (also counting the wonderful vegan coffees where the milk is substituted with oat milk or almond milk) are lumped together here at #3.

I love me a good iced coffee, especially if it’s a hot summer day. Ranging from the simple yet elegant iced lattes all the way to zany concoctions like caramel mochaccinos and my own personal invention “Makea Kaveri” (ingredients: oat milk, triple shot of room temperature espresso, Baileys, sugar and caramel syrup), these drinks feel like the best thing in the world when the right moment comes.

2. Cappuccino

This is the Godfather of coffee drinks right here. This Italian invention has enriched coffee culture in a spectacular fashion, and given coffee enthusiasts like myself one of the best-ever options to order in any given café. The combination of espresso, steamed milk and the milk foam layer, especially when made in the lore-accurate 1/3 of each -proportions, is just so damn delicious - it feels like a treat, but beneath the layers of taste, it also feels like coffee (opposed to some espresso-based beverages that might taste good but stray so far from the core tenets that they don't quite give you the sensation that coffee is supposed to).

1. Flat White

God bless that barista from New Zealand or Australia (the mythology is a bit unclear and debated on this one) who came up with this f**king masterpiece. With a higher ratio of espresso to to milk than in a latte, and served without the thick foam layer of a cappuccino but a delicate microfoam instead, this drink (when made by a barista who knows their shit) tastes like coffee in its ultimate, final form.

When in a proper café, I've noticed time and again that this item on the menu will inevitably be even more to my liking than any cappuccino, mocha or pretty much anything else. There's just something magical about the taste, texture, aftertaste and caffeine effect in a good flat white that can't be beaten.

Thank you for reading! Tune in next week as I continue Culinary Month with a ranking of my favorite whiskeys.