James Bond month continues: Top 10 'Bond girls' from a feminist perspective

Greetings, reader!

So, I've been doing James Bond -themed posts all month due to the 60th anniversary of Goldfinger's release. I polled my Instagram followers on what the fourth post should be, after my ranking of the James Bond actors, the franchise's top 10 villains and my ranking of the theme songs. The overwhelming winner of the poll was this: the top 10 'Bond girls', from a feminist perspective. A challenge, but a welcome one.

First of all, what defines a Bond girl? "Any female character from the franchise" would be too broad, as it's hard to think of Judi Dench's M as a 'Bond girl' (also, no one else would stand a chance if she was on the list, due to how much ass she kicks). But it would've been boring and narrow to limit the list to only the more conventional love-interest / human-shield types seen in a majority of the films. Therefore, I decided that any female character who has at least some sort of sexual and/or romantic connection to Bond, on the vast scale from flirty banter all the way to marriage (yes, that happened), qualifies for the list.

As for the method in how I ranked them from a feminist perspective, well, it's just as convoluted as one might expect. Various points-of-view are juxtaposed with one another: how fleshed-out and interesting the character is, how much agency they have in the film's plot, how compelling the acting performance is, strength and independence, positive influence and norm-breaking, and managing to steer away from the harmful norms that have defined most Bond girls (objectification, one-dimensional looks-driven character writing, tropes such as the human shield or the damsel in distress et cetera). Basically, the further the characters are from Christmas Jones (Denise Richards in The World Is Not Enough), the higher they get ranked.

Here are my honorable mentions: Kara Milovy (Maryam d'Abo, The Living Daylights), Lucia Sciarra (Monica Bellucci, Spectre), May Day (Grace Jones, A View to a Kill), Paris Carver (Teri Hatcher, Tomorrow Never Dies), Solitaire (Jane Seymour, Live and Let Die).

10. Pam Bouvier (Carey Lowell, Licence to Kill)

The two Bond films that star Timothy Dalton were a step up for the tradition of the Bond girls - the more down-to-earth and espionage-oriented style made for a period where the female characters weren't over-sexualized, had actual personalities, and had actual human names instead of names like Holly Goodhead, Anya Neese, Missy Cligoris and Plenty O'Toole (two of those are from real Bond flicks and two I made up, and I bet you can't tell which are which).

Pam Bouvier is a decent character - nothing about her is massively influential or glass-ceiling-shattering, but when compared to a vast majority of Bond girls, she feels significantly more like an equal female sidekick in a standard action film than a human shield / mere eye candy / any number of other poorly aged tropes from deep in the veins of the patriarchy. She spends a majority of her screentime kicking ass alongside Bond, and might be ranked even higher if it wasn't for the fact that neither the character nor the acting performance aren't particularly memorable.

9. Xenia Onatopp (Famke Janssen, GoldenEye)

Yes, the character's name here is a poor-taste relic from the past (it's weird how the Brosnan era progressed and modernized so many elements of the franchise successfully, yet they brought the wacky Bond girl names back - one could argue that it's not as bad when it's done tongue-in-cheek and almost parodically, but still, it's very borderline). But everything else about her is badass.

Janssen makes the character lively and interesting, and her villainous turn only barely qualifies her as a 'Bond girl' - she never has sex with Bond, but there's enough flirt in the air before their allegiance to different sides is fully realized to qualify her for this list. Many Bond girls fall into the femme fatale category, and this trope alone doesn't make a character into a feminist icon - many of the franchise's femmes fatale have fallen into just being sexism in a different form, such as the villain's only skill being using her feminine wiles to seduce the good guys et cetera. But some of the villainous Bond girls really stand out on their own, managing to outsmart and/or outfight Bond himself, and Onatopp is one of the more memorable examples.

8. Elektra King (Sophie Marceau, The World Is Not Enough)

Like the previous entry, this character from Pierce Brosnan's third outing as 007 turns out to be quite villainous - and a compelling, well-written villain at that. She has all the charms and wiles for those expecting a conventional Bond girl, but isn't limited to them - Elektra King is a powerful badass, whose arch escalates from a steamy affair with Bond to coming into her own as a powerful antagonist for the secret agent to go up against. And to think that she's in the same film as the infamous Christmas Jones - that's a real side-by-side comparison on how to write and how not to write Bond girls.

7. Aki (Akiko Wakabayashi, You Only Live Twice)

Here we have the only Bond girl from the Sean Connery era to make it onto the list - it figures that there weren't many, as many of the most blatantly objectified Bond girls come from the franchise's early days. But there is one who stands out as a more positive example, and her name is Aki.

First of all, she has agency and empowerment - whereas many of the Connery Bond's sexual conquests were female caricatures with seemingly no mind of their own, there for Bond's taking (there's even a few instances in Goldfinger and Thunderball where the protagonist borderline rapes someone - not a fun rewatch for modern sensitivities), Aki is not victim nor object, but a woman with desires of her own, and is the first to make her move on Bond.

Additionally, her role is not limited to flirtation and sex, as she turns out to be handy in a fight and has a major role in the film's action-packed final act. She's also the franchise's first Asian 'Bond girl', and while many of the cultural misadventures from You Only Live Twice are in very poor taste, her character isn't reduced to a mere stereotype and makes for a nice step of diversity in this particular tradition of the franchise.

6. Natalya Simonova (Izabella Scorupco, GoldenEye)

From the moment where Judi Dench's M chides Bond for being a 'sexist dinosaur', it was clear that GoldenEye (and thus the Pierce Brosnan era as a whole) would do some things differently. A prime example is the film's primary Bond girl, Natalya Simonova. While her character retains all the beloved and non-problematic aspects of what it is to be a Bond girl (serving the story as a love interest and/or sidekick to the main character, being a charismatic and entertaining part of the film's cast, et cetera), the filmmakers manage to drop all of the obviously sexist elements from the character archetype.

Simonova is sexy without being over-sexualized, badass without being a fetishized stereotype, a love interest without being objectified or losing her sense of individuality. While their story isn't over-romantic (remember, it's still Bond), the two leads manage to form a slightly deeper connection than Bond does with a vast majority of his conquests, signaling a possibility of growth for both the character and the franchise.

5. Wai Lin (Michelle Yeoh, Tomorrow Never Dies)

Yeah, the character name is unforgivable (she'd probably be ranked even higher if it wasn't for that). Everything else about this character is pretty amazing. Michelle Yeoh gives such a brilliant performance, and while she and Bond do end up hooking up in the film, she is so much more than a mere sexual interest for the main character. She's a total action hero, every bit Bond's equal (or even ahead of him) in terms of espionage, combat skill, wit and general badassery.

4. Madeleine Swann (Lea Seydoux, Spectre & No Time to Die)

Honestly, Swann could be ranked all the way at #1 if the only parameter for this list would be avoiding sexist tropes - she's probably the least problematically written Bond girl out of them all, which goes to show how the last few films of the Craig era were quite successful in 'getting with the times'. Unfortunately, the thing is that the character simply isn't as memorable or outstanding as many other seen in the franchise - and while this is a separate fact and has nothing to do with the character being written in a less sexist way than previous Bond girls, the juxtaposition of these facts unfortunately lead to a lot of conclusion-jumping by viewers of the incel kind, going all "See, this is what happens when the Bond movie go all woke" and other bullshit.

Anyways, while Swann isn't as memorable of a character as this list's top three, that does not mean that she's a bad one. Her chemistry with Daniel Craig's 007 is subtle but well-executed, Seydoux's acting skills are on point, and her arch in Spectre is pretty decent (in No Time to Die, she has less to do, but it was still a nice touch to bring her back).

3. Teresa 'Tracy' di Vicenzo (Diana Rigg, On Her Majesty's Secret Service)

I mean, there has to be something pretty special about the one woman, out of the tens (probably hundreds) that Bond has slept with, who he ended up marrying. Tracy, brought to life by an unforgettable performance by the legendary Diana Rigg, had what it takes for the ever-womanizing secret agent to feel something deeper.

Obviously, this alone doesn't make her a feminist icon (whether they're sexual conquests or wives, let's not forget that they're all female characters written by male writers to serve the storyline of the male protagonist and exist in relation to him). But, in many regards, Tracy comes out as stronger, more fleshed-out, and less objectified (sure, many will still remember her for her looks, but that's not because the character is constantly put into revealing male-gaze clothing with flimsy excuses, but rather because the filmmakers couldn't really do anything about Diana Rigg's divine beauty) than many of her counterparts.

2. Anya Amasova (Barbara Bach, The Spy Who Loved Me)

Many aspects of feminism, representation and character writing had to be taken into account when making this list, and there are some viewpoints that would indicate a lower ranking for Amasova - chiefly, the fact that her motivations do largely lie in the feelings she had for two different men in her life, and female characters driven by their romantic pining for the men around them are a bit too common in fiction written by men, when contrasted to the more complex and diverse motives that male writers usually reserve for their male characters.

But, from every other viewpoint, Barbara Bach's legendary character earns a high ranking - as driven as love and love-related conflict as she may be, she is still one of the most memorable, compelling and badass characters seen in the entire franchise. Not only does she outsmart, outcharm, outfight and generally out-secret-agent Bond time and again, but she absolutely steals the show (with all due respect to Roger Moore's fantastic 007). I reckon there aren't too many James Bond films where James Bond isn't the best character, but this is one where that is definitely the case - 007 might have the most screen time, but for all intents and purposes, Anya Amasova is the main character here. Almost feels wrong to categorize her as a mere 'Bond girl' - maybe in this film, Roger Moore actually plays the 'Amasova guy'.

1. Vesper Lynd (Eva Green, Casino Royale)

There's a reason that the modern Bond flicks are more represented on this list than the older ones - while there are exceptions, both in the form of ahead-of-its-time instances like Aki in You Only Live Twice and setbacks like (*sigh*) Severine in Skyfall, the general direction over time has been that the Bond girls, from a feminist perspective, have become less problematic and more on-point over the course of time, which makes sense as our society is slowly (painfully slowly, but still) becoming aware of the harmful effects of patriarchy and misogyny.

From Ursula Andress' Honey Ryder, who talked like a child to appease some worrying fetishes and whose character development began and ended with "bikini", all the way to the array of different kinds of strong female characters we see in No Time to Die, it's quite an evolution - and I'd argue that the first major 'Bond girl' from the Daniel Craig era is the biggest and most important individual stepping stone in that journey.

From the viewpoint of us woke leftists, it seems like a ridiculously obvious decision, but it sure took them long enough: in the 2000's, when planning the next big Bond flick, the producers and writers apparently sat down and said: "What if, instead of writing a sex-driven caricature who runs around in skimpy clothing lazily demanded by the plot and who has the name and personality of a supporting character in a porn flick, we wrote an actual female person whose presence makes this a better movie?".

Because that's what Vesper Lynd is. They even managed to do it in a way that didn't seem to piss off the old-school Bond fans (except the most blatantly sexist ones, but hey, fuck them) - after all, she's still absolutely gorgeous, has nice chemistry with Bond, and serves the story as a love interest. But, here's the key - she's not defined by her sexiness, she's not diminished to reliance on chemistry with the lead, and she serves the story in other ways as well. Lynd's got a mind of her own, a complex relationship with Bond, a brilliant acting performance to back it all up, and the viewer will become invested in her with striking sincerity. That's the gold standard right there.

Thank you for reading! The next few weeks will focus on rankings of the best-ever movies in various genres, and as a soft transition from Bond month, I'll start with "The top 15 action flicks of all time" next Thursday.

Top 10 James Bond villains

Greetings, reader!

The 60th anniversary month of classic 007 flick Goldfinger continues, and so does my theme month of various James Bond rankings. Today I'm taking a look at the franchise's best villains - not an easy task, as there are so many classic ones to choose from. But after long consideration, these are the very best bad guys from the 007 franchise!

Here are my honorable mentions: Brad Whitaker (Joe Don Baker, The Living Daylights), Colonel Rosa Klebb (Lotte Lenya, From Russia with Love), Karl Stromberg (Curg Jürgens, The Spy Who Loved Me), Le Chiffre (Mads Mikkelsen, Casino Royale), Raoul Silva (Javier Bardem, Skyfall).

10. Max Zorin (Christopher Walken, A View to a Kill)

Sometimes the actor just makes the role. On paper, the role of a tech billionaire who hatches a crazy scheme to destroy Silicon Valley would seem very standard and thus forgettable for a Bond film in the 80's - but alas, Christopher Walken was cast in the role, and he is responsible for approximately 97% of the character's greatness and for about 83% of the film's success in general (its other aspects are unremarkable, as even the late great Sir Roger Moore was growing tired in what ended up being his final outing as Bond).

Walken brings his trademark brand of absolutely bonkers chaos into the role, making Zorin into a dangerous and unhinged foe for 007 to go up against. Up until the final fight on the Golden Gate Bridge, this guy keeps the film entertaining and the viewer on their toes.

9. Jaws (Richard Kiel, The Spy Who Loved Me / Moonraker)

While the henchmen of the main villains are a classic staple of the franchise, not many made it onto today's list - who can really remember which one was Oddjob and which one was Nick Nack at the end of the day? However, the sole henchman who stands tall (very tall, that is) in the company of 'big bad' antagonists in my top 10 is none other than the beloved Jaws.

The wonderfully menacing goon was such a popular character in The Spy Who Loved Me that he was brought back for Moonraker - one of the worst overall Bond films no matter what my fiancée says, but Jaws is the saving grace of that otherwise shark-jumping instalment. He even gets a touching redemption arch at the end, which makes him into one of the franchise's more sympathetic villains, one who probably was in the bad guy business simply because he didn't know any better.

8. Emilio Largo (Adolfo Celi, Thunderball)

I enjoy the villains of every Bond era in their own way. I often use types of Bond villains as metaphors for U.S. politicians (a great sign of where we're at with the world, am I right?). Ron DeSantis, being all passionate about his supposedly righteous cause with his tortured soul, is a textbook Craig-era villain. Stephen Miller, pulling the strings in the background with a frighteningly calm demeanor, is an archetypical Roger Moore villain. And here's the easiest one of all - Donald John Trump, with his downright cartoonish over-the-top villain antics, is without the shred of a doubt a Sean Connery villain.

There is a peculiar charm to the bad guys of the Connery era - while there's a lot to be said for the modern villains with actual backstories, fleshed-out motives and complex morals, there's also something inherently enjoyable about Bond going up against just the most black-and-white old-school evil antagonist you can imagine. Emilio Largo is a prime example - we don't know who he is, where he came from or why he is this way, but we do know what he wants: to blow up some major world cities with stolen nuclear bombs. And that is why Bond must stop him, and he does it with style.

7. Lyutsifer Safin (Rami Malek, No Time to Die)

Remember what I said earlier about an exceptionally good actor being able to carry even a poorly written role? Because this just might be the greatest example of that in cinematic history.

While I like No Time to Die a great deal as a whole, Lyutsifer Safin is not a well-written villain. And yet he is my all-time seventh favorite Bond villain, because yes, Rami Malek is that great of an actor. While much of the dialogue written for Safin leaves a lot to be desired, Malek makes every line and every moment interesting with his delivery, his facial expressions, every little nuance. I'm convinced that Malek could play a villain whose only lines are repeating the phrase "Must kill hero because evil" and win an Oscar for it. Seriously, what he does with what is given to him is divine, and his acting carries Safin to be an against-all-odds unforgettable antagonist.

6. Auric Goldfinger (Gert Fröbe, Goldfinger)

This one is a classic. Like many of the great old-school Bond villains, Goldfinger doesn't have a rich backstory or fleshed-out motives, nor does he need to. He's just a thoroughly evil, greedy and irredeemable bastard, brought to life by the towering presence of Gert Fröbe.

Today we're used to antiheroes so complex that you don't know if you should root for them and villains with such humane motivations that you might see their point, but in the genre of old-school spy action, it's just buckets of fun to watch the charming main hero go up against a truly vile piece of shit, enjoying the inevitable moment of triumph when it happens. And in that category, Goldfinger (or, as Shirley Bassey puts it in the theme song, "GOLDFINGUHHHH") has what it takes.

5. Dr. No (Joseph Wiseman, Dr. No)

Many fans don't rank the original Bond film's villain quite this highly, with his legacy being largely "Dr. No walked so Blofeld / Goldfinger / Largo etc. could run". But I disagree - in many ways, the simple perfection of Dr. No sets the standard for the franchise's villains in a manner so legendary, that even when many later villains would have more interesting motives or even greater actors bringing them to life, they still wouldn't be as unforgettable as the original unhinged war-monger that Bond faces off against.

Joseph Wiseman's role performance is as cheesy and corny from a modern perspective as it surely has been badass and frightening for the time, which just goes to show how much of an impact the character had on action cinema as a whole. There have been many copycats since him, and that influence deserves serious praise. One of the greats.

4. Francisco Scaramanga (Christopher Lee, The Man with the Golden Gun)

Few years ago, I wrote a post about the best villain archetypes in fiction. The Bond franchise has its version of pretty much every one (the greedy criminal = Goldfinger, the fallen hero = 006, the pure evil = most of the Connery-era villains, the vengeful = Raoul Silva, et cetera). One of the very best archetypes, most popular in superhero fiction, is 'The Equal' - an antagonist who is, in some way or another, an 'evil twin' of the protagonist. Whether it's due to a similar skillset, similar backgrounds or any number of ways, this often makes for a fascinating match-up, and it was a matter of time before the producers of the Bond franchise realized that "James Bond, but evil" was a recipe for magnificence.

Furthermore, they got Christopher Lee - between his turns as Dracula, Saruman, Count Dooku and this guy here, I don't think I'm out of line when straight-up calling him the greatest villain actor in cinematic history. Getting such a prolific Hollywood bad guy to play the character dubbed as the villainous version of James Bond was guaranteed to succeed, and Scaramanga indeed remains one of the most iconic and celebrated big bads in the 25-film franchise.

3. Elliot Carver (Jonathan Pryce, Tomorrow Never Dies)

Now this guy sticks out of the crowd. The CEO of a media conglomerate, Elliot Carver seems to be more or less inspired by FOX chairman Rupert Murdoch, truly one of the most striking real-life supervillains in modern history. Whereas most of the Bond villains before him wanted to blow a big chunk of the world up simply for the reason of being evil, and most of the ones after him had some grand Thanosian vision of ultimately making the world better via war crimes, this guy had one of the most frightening (and depressingly realistic) motives seen in the franchise: he wanted to blow chunks of the world up for ratings.

Knowing that a mega-rich megalomaniac like himself would stay unharmed even in the face of a world war, Carver figures that a war between the U.K. and China would make him a ton of money, and in the modern world, a major news influence like him might just have the power to provoke such a war into action. Jonathan Pryce is amazing in the role, and the character is a brilliant commentary on many worrying aspects of the post-information age. A truly underrated villain, this one.

2. Ernst Stavro Blofeld (Anthony Dawson / Eric Pohlmann / Donald Pleasance / Telly Savalas / Charles Gray / Robert Rietty / Christoph Waltz, From Russia with Love / Thunderball / You Only Live Twice / On Her Majesty's Secret Service / Diamonds Are Forever / For Your Eyes Only / Spectre / No Time to Die)

This dude is in second place in a similar manner to Sean Connery's second place in my ranking of James Bond actors - while there is one other that I subjectively appreciate even more, I do get calling this one the GOAT. Blofeld is the franchise's most iconic, most recognizable and most re-cast role (I shit you not, there have been more different Blofelds than there have James Bonds).

Originally hyped up as the mysterious big bad of evil organization S.P.E.C.T.R.E., he is only seen in short flashes during most of Sean Connery's flicks, usually sitting in a chair, stroking his cat, and giving some nefarious instructions.  When he finally does take center stage, Blofeld ends up being a bit silly and not that menacing - a more takes-itself-seriously franchise would've unveiled their villain in a manner of gravitas that fits all the build-up (see Thanos in the MCU), but the early Bond films pride themselves in not being too serious, so the comedic Blofeld actually works.

After being the center-stage villain for three consecutive films, Blofeld isn't heard from for a long time - except for a brief moment of vengeful closure in the opening moments of For Your Eyes Only. That remains his only appearance in the Moore era, and as he didn't appear in Dalton or Brosnan's films either, it seemed that the character was retired and would remain a Connery villain.

But that was not to be - several films into the Daniel Craig era, the character is brought back in dramatic fashion, this time played by two-time Oscar winner Christoph Waltz. Considering that even Dr. No worked for this guy and Waltz's small role in No Time to Die, it is fitting to think that in a way, Blofeld was intertwined in Bond's story from the very beginning and until the very end (if No Time to Die is the end, that is).

1. Alec Trevelyan (Sean Bean, GoldenEye)

Being the debut of my favorite James Bond, the debut of my favorite M and featuring one of my top 5 favorite Bond theme songs would be reason enough to have GoldenEye as my all-time favorite Bond film. But, furthering my case, the 1995 flick has the franchise's best villain as well!

The character's motives originate from a gripping place - formerly known as Special Agent 006 of MI6, Trevelyan turns against the organization in a gripping manner, betraying them and faking his own death, only to return later with a brutal plan of vengeance. This was just at a time when Hollywood was starting to get into villains with slightly more sympathetic-to-a-degree motivations as opposed to pure evil, and at a time when people were slowly starting to question the ethics of organizations like MI6 and how the British Empire still conducts itself around the world - so for that time, a character who honestly turns against the organization and wants to exact revenge was a perfect fit.

Mind you, you won't be rooting for him as he goes too far as villains tend to do, but just the bit of understanding that the viewer will gain towards the character makes it all more gripping. Also, Sean Bean plays the hell out of the role, from the character's cold-blooded introduction all the way to his - well, I won't spoil how it all ends, but remember, it's Sean Bean...

Thank you for reading! Tune in next week as I continue the theme month with its most ambitious post yet - a ranking of the theme songs from all 25 Bond flicks.

Ranking Every James Bond Theme Song

Greetings, reader!

My James Bond theme month continues, in honor of Goldfinger's sixtieth anniversary. This week, I'm ranking the theme songs for all twenty-five films in the franchise. There were a few dilemmas to face when making this list - while 23 of the films have a clear and conventional theme song, I had to decide what to do with Dr. No and On Her Majesty's Secret Service, which are interesting exceptions.

After considering many options, I decided that both films qualify for the list, with the instrumental tracks that play during the opening credits counting as their theme songs (as opposed to disqualifying the first film as the theme song convention hadn't been formed yet, or counting Louis Armstrong's We Have All the Time in the World for On Her Majesty's Secret Service - it could be counted as the film's theme song, but it doesn't appear in the opening credits like all the others, so it's hard to compare as it serves a different function). Anyways, here's my ranking of the twenty-five theme songs!

25. Jack White & Alicia Keys - Another Way to Die (Quantum of Solace, 2008)

Quite fittingly, this bottom-tier Bond flick also has a bottom-tier theme song. Another Way to Die is the only Bond theme I have hardly anything positive to say about - usually, the experimental ones can be applauded for trying even if they miss the mark, while with the typical ones, you can say "well, at least it feels like James Bond" even if it's generic. But this one is somehow the worst of both worlds, with the bold new direction being uninteresting, while the melodic references to the franchise's musical conventions are bland and unimaginative.

24. Madonna - Die Another Day (Die Another Day, 2002)

Ha, speaking of applauding the song for trying when it's experimental but a bit of a misfire. Die Another Day sure sticks out in the canon of 007 theme tunes, with the general consensus being "not in a good way". I have to agree - it's not a great song. It still earns a spot above Another Way to Die, because I do appreciate the effort to reinvent, and at least the song fits the unhinged vibe of the movie it was written for.

23. Rita Coolidge - All Time High (Octopussy, 1983)

Here we have the lowest-ranked conventional-style Bond theme (if there is such a thing - the theme songs have always evolved with their times in a thoroughly fascinating manner). I wouldn't go as far as to call All Time High generic, as it is a decent tune and clearly some amount of thought went into producing it, but it doesn't reach the heights of most similar songs.

Stylistically it isn't far from some of the franchise's best, but there's just something it lacks in terms of memorability and gravitas, thus earning this fairly low spot on the list. A majority of these are really quite good, as can be expected when a big studio comes out every few years to ask a major artist to record a theme song for a box office hit.

22. A-ha - The Living Daylights (The Living Daylights, 1987)

One of the more interesting trends in the history of the Bond theme songs is when, in the late 80's, the franchise decided to ditch solo artists in favor of pop bands, only to return to solo artists some time later. The Living Daylights is a thoroughly enjoyable tune, and one that I would rank even higher if it wasn't for the fact that I'm not ranking these purely as pieces of music, but also as Bond themes, which means that questions like "How well does this fit the franchise?" and "How well does this fit this movie in particular" are taken into account.

It's the second of those questions where The Living Daylights falls short - it's Bond-y enough to be a Bond theme, but it's a weird-ass choice for this specific film. I can just imagine the pitch meeting:

"Hey, y'know how we said that for the debut of this Timothy Dalton guy, we'd go for a more gritty and down-to-earth direction, so we'd be more loyal to the espionage-heavy books the franchise is based on?"

"Yeah, it's gonna be a gritty one for sure"

"Okay, so who were we thinking about for music?"

"How about the band that did Take On Me?"

Weird.

21. Sheryl Crow - Tomorrow Never Dies (Tomorrow Never Dies, 1997)

In the vein of the Rita Coolidge one, this is also a perfectly fine conventional Bond theme, but one that doesn't hold a candle to the best in its genre. It's a few spots higher because I do like the chords and melody quite a bit.

Also, Tomorrow Never Dies being one of the most underrated Bond flicks in my opinion may or may not play a role. The goodness of the film shouldn't be a major factor in ranking the songs, but it's hard to separate them completely - music from a film you like is more likely to cause positive associations and nostalgia, et cetera. I noticed that there's a small correlation (not a super-clear one, as there are PLENTY of exceptions!) between my ranking of Bond films and my ranking of their themes, and it does make sense that a worse film is likelier to have a less favorable theme song (and vice versa) to some degree. So it could be that my affection for Tomorrow Never Dies (the movie) boosts my liking of Tomorrow Never Dies (the song) just a bit, but I tried to be as unbiased as possible in that regard. I will have you know that the theme from my second-least-favorite Bond film of all time is in today's top ten!

20. John Barry - On Her Majesty's Secret Service (On Her Majesty's Secret Service, 1969)

The two purely instrumental theme songs that the franchise has produced are difficult to compare to the others, but hey, I love a challenge. The theme for On Her Majesty's Secret Service was composed and arranged by none other than John Barry, the mastermind behind the original James Bond theme, who also scored several of the films and wrote most of the theme songs in the franchise's first three decades together with the guest artists.

On Her Majesty's Secret Service is a fine piece of orchestral music, immaculately befitting the atmosphere of a Bond film. It could be ranked even higher, but I have a fondness for the conventionally sung Bond themes and the way they set the franchise apart musically, so this one isn't quite in the big leagues.

19. Sheena Easton - For Your Eyes Only (For Your Eyes Only, 1981)

One of the most beautiful pieces of music written for the franchise, For Your Eyes Only might also be ranked higher if it wasn't for the slight minus that it's not the greatest as a Bond theme per se - it's not aggressively un-Bond-like, but it also doesn't capture the franchise's feel as well as most of these songs (this would've been more understandable had the song been done for an exceptionally slow and moving Bond flick, but For Your Eyes Only is as 'typical Roger Moore 007' cinema as they come).

So, slight minus points for not capturing the essence of the franchise as well as its counterparts, but still ranked above many others because it's a sweet and graceful song.

18. Garbage - The World Is Not Enough (The World Is Not Enough, 1999)

During the first round of listening through these songs with the goal of an eventual ranking in mind, I figured that The World Is Not Enough wouldn't rank all that highly - and then it got to the final chorus, and I went 'oh damn'.

It's a typical by-the-numbers Bond theme of its era, until it isn't, as the song's dynamics are some of the best in the bunch, really growing in multiple subtle ways leading up to that climactic ending. I don't know where that band got their name from, because this song most definitely is not garbage.

17. Lulu - The Man with the Golden Gun (The Man with the Golden Gun, 1974)

After I had finished my preliminary ranking, I read through the rankings of some other people online, just to see how typical/revolutionary my takes were, and if anyone had points to make that might give me second thoughts about anything. In these travels, I found out that Lulu's vocal performance in this tune is quite polarizing, with many not liking her style. I never really got that specific brand of singing criticism - let her do her thing, man. The world would be a lot more boring if every talented singer sounded similar to each other in order to reach some arbitrary conventions of what singing is supposed to sound like.

So, yeah, I rather enjoy Lulu's dramatic and colorful vocals on top of this fine John Barry arrangement, especially the belting of the final chorus. The fact that there are sixteen songs ahead of this one just means that the bar is high, as most of these songs are real bangers.

16. Duran Duran - A View to a Kill (A View to a Kill, 1985)

I can't think of anything particularly analytical to say about Duran Duran's 007 theme, nor do I need to - it's fun, it feels like the franchise and the era (the corny madness of the tail end of Roger Moore's tenure in the lead role), and the atmosphere is groovy as hell.

15. Tom Jones - Thunderball (Thunderball, 1965)

The lyrics are some of the corniest and most unimaginative shit you'll ever hear, and could've been written by an eight-year-old who just heard the basic premise of the franchise. And while he's an iconic artist, I'm not a huge fan of Tom Jones' vocal performance here either.

Then why, in spite of these criticisms, is Thunderball so high on the list? Because John Barry's orchestral arrangement carries it, and to magnificent heights as well.

The instrumentation, the dynamics, the rhythmic nuance, it's all perfection. Musically, it's in the very highest tier of Bond music, even if the ridiculous lyrics weigh it down a bit (just to be clear, Jones' vocals aren't bad, but very average when considering the atmospheric standard set by the franchise's theme songs).

14. John Barry - The James Bond Theme (Dr. No, 1962)

This one was definitely hard to rank - the theme song for the first 007 film, the song that plays after the cold open during the opening credits, is what we have come to know as the James Bond theme. I could've excluded it from the list on the grounds of the vocal theme song tradition having really kicked off with the second film, but I like a challenge, and on a technical level, this one is just as much of a theme song as the others, but just happens to get a lot of playtime in the future instalments as well.

There is an argument to be made for ranking John Barry's most enduring composition much higher, as it is such an iconic piece of music and plays a part in the whole franchise's atmosphere. But at the same time, it isn't as much of a perfect fit for its individual film as many of these others, which is why you don't hear anyone calling it "the theme from Dr. No". After long consideration, I've decided it to rank the legendary track here, above the average ones but not above the truest bangers that do feel more like a Bond theme for a specific film.

13. Gladys Knight - Licence to Kill (Licence to Kill, 1989)

Oh, speaking of bangers! This 80's pop anthem is fantastic - it's not quite in the very Bond-y-est category of the theme songs, otherwise it would be way in the top ten, because it's such a killer song (it is also Bond-y enough and appropriate for its specific film that its ranking shouldn't be punished all that much either). Gladys Knight's vocals soar with diva power, the arrangement screams the late 80's, and oh man, that modulation into the final chorus is divine.

12. Sam Smith - Writing's on the Wall (Spectre, 2015)

After a few decades of Bond themes trying to get with the times with all sorts of modern arrangements, the trend was suddenly to return to the orchestral arrangements in the vein of John Barry's legacy. This direction gave us majestic tracks like Writing's on the Wall, an ominous and dramatic song truly fitting the nature of Daniel Craig's fourth Bond film. If there ever was a song where the pre-chorus is better than the chorus, it is this one - the chorus is neat and good enough, but the pre-chorus is most definitely where the song's atmosphere and Smith's vocals come alive the most each time. 

11. Billie Eilish - No Time to Die (No Time to Die, 2021)

The Oscar-winning No Time to Die possibly has the legacy of being the last-ever James Bond theme song, depending on the franchise's question-mark-riddled future. If so, they certainly went out on a high note. No Time to Die is an interesting piece in many ways, one of which being how weirdly un-memorable it is - many Bond themes are tunes you can't get out of your head, but with this one, I always love it whenever I listen to it, but a while later, I couldn't tell you how the melody goes.

I won't count that against the song, however, as I find that to speak to its subdued nature rather than anything negative. The production is insane, with every detail in the soundscape contributing to the gradually building momentum, and Eilish's style of singing fits the atmosphere with mysterious and beautiful perfection.

10. Shirley Bassey - Moonraker (Moonraker, 1979)

There are twenty-five James Bond movies. There are twenty artists who have done a single James Bond theme song without being invited back to do another. Of the remaining five, John Barry did an instrumental theme song for two. And the remaining three? All performed by Shirley Bassey, unbridled queen of the James Bond music genre, who was so good with her first Bond theme that she was later invited to another, and later yet a third. And yes, all three Shirley Bassey tracks made it into my top ten.

Even her least-good one, Moonraker, is an elegant classic. Beautiful vocals, a magical arrangement, and an end product that is quite frankly much better than what its film deserves.

9. Matt Monro - From Russia with Love (From Russia with Love, 1963)

Ah, the one where it all began - the second-ever Bond flick has the first instance of the conventional-style 007 theme song we know and love, sung by a guest artist who composed the song together with the composer behind the film's instrumental score. From Russia with Love bathes in slightly mystic melodies and a worldly percussion groove on an otherwise simple arrangement, with Monro's Sinatra-esque vocals really sealing the deal.

8. Carly Simon - Nobody Does It Better (The Spy Who Loved Me, 1977)

Mm, that's the stuff. The bittersweet melodies of this song are thoroughly fitting for what is one of the more sentimental old-school Bond flicks, with song and film alike finding lots of heart without losing any of the cool. Nobody Does It Better also gains points for one of the best relationships between theme song and instrumental score, as the chorus' melody is brilliantly intertwined into several key moments in the soundtrack for the rest of the film, making it a theme tune in the truest sense of the term.

7. Chris Cornell - You Know My Name (Casino Royale, 2006)

HELL YES! Casino Royale is an ambitious film, as we were being introduced not only to a new James Bond in Daniel Craig, but also a new era for the franchise, and a new vibe of taking the films a bit more seriously than before while still remaining cool spy-action flicks at the core. So, for the theme song for such a film in such a time, they turned to grunge legend Chris Cornell for a song that would rock harder than any Bond theme before (or since, for that matter).

You Know My Name is different from any previous Bond theme - while there were a select few that had dabbled in the rock genre, this was a level of distorted heaviness that was totally new to the franchise. But, just like the Casino Royale movie doesn't fall into the trap of taking itself too seriously or trying too much (unlike the follow-up Quantum of Solace), the song also manages to avoid the trap of trying too hard - while it rocks at unforeseen levels, it's still suspenseful and classy enough to feel and sound like a Bond theme. Thus, a perfect balance is found: it sounds like a fresh new wave of James Bond, but it still most definitely sounds like James Bond.

6. Shirley Bassey - Goldfinger (Goldfinger, 1964)

And then for more Shirley Bassey elegance. Goldfinger (or, as Bassey eloquently puts it, "GOLLDFINGUHHHH") is widely considered the movie where the franchise completed its signature atmosphere: the first instalment Dr. No had introduced most of the tropes and conventions, the sophomore film From Russia with Love added a few key elements to make it even more Bond-y, and the third film, Goldfinger, perfected the recipe. This is thanks to many things - the pacing, the character dynamics, the first instance of Bond ordering a martini that is shaken rather than stirred, the list goes on...and very much includes the theme song.

While the first film didn't have a conventionally sung theme song, and the second film had one that would set the groundwork, it is Goldfinger where the Bond themes truly started to sound like the Bond themes we know and love. Bassey's trad-pop vocals fit beautifully together with John Barry's orchestral arrangement, making for a song that quite simply oozes class and sets the exact blueprint for what a 007 theme should sound like.

5. Tina Turner - Goldeneye (GoldenEye, 1995)

A lot of people don't know that this song was, oddly enough, composed by Bono and The Edge from U2. Hiring the two leading figures of a rock band to compose the theme song of Pierce Brosnan's debut Bond flick, and then hiring a completely separate pop artist to perform it, was an unusual choice, but oh man, the world is better off for it, because Goldeneye is one hell of a banger.

It's a fantastic piece of music even without the Bond context, with the suspenseful verses beautifully flowing into the energetic choruses while Turner's soaring vocals enchant the listener. But, in the context of the film, it's even better - GoldenEye is my favorite 007 flick of all time, and the theme song is one of the many pieces that fit perfectly together with the other pieces (Brosnan's charming debut, Judi Dench's introduction as M, Sean Bean's fantastic villain role, the well-paced plot and Martin Campbell's directing et cetera) in order to make it the best.

4. Shirley Bassey - Diamonds Are Forever (Diamonds Are Forever, 1971)

The three 007 theme songs that Shirley Bassey gifted to the world with her divine presence are all so good that any one of them could easily be argued to be the best out of the three (hell, you could name any of the three as the best of all the Bond themes, and I wouldn't have a problem with that take even if my personal list has a select few songs ahead of them). But, gun to my head, my favorite Bond theme of hers is the middle instalment, made for Sean Connery's final Bond flick, Diamonds Are Forever.

The film itself isn't all that great, and feels like it doesn't deserve such an amazing theme song. Not that I'm complaining - the song is probably the best thing about the film, and instantly makes the viewing experience better. The arrangement mixes mystique and intrigue with power and excitement, and Bassey's vocals perfect this combination. One for the ages.

3. Nancy Sinatra - You Only Live Twice (You Only Live Twice, 1967)

First of all, this one has arguably the best transition from opening scene to opening credit sequence - after James Bond fakes his death in order to prepare for a deep-cover mission, he is found and declared dead, after which the atmospheric string section of this musical masterwork begin to play, causing the utmost shivers and hype to the viewer.

The song itself is pure class - Sinatra's vocal performance, the whimsical yet elegant arrangement, it's all quite perfect. The stuff of legends.

2. Adele - Skyfall (Skyfall, 2012)

I consider the Skyfall movie as a whole to be quite overrated, but damn, the theme song is the one element where they truly lived up to the level of mastery that the franchise's 50th anniversary called for. After the cold open where our hero is very nearly killed, this musical masterpiece starts to play to the visual backdrop of Bond appearing to drown, and oh man, it is so dramatic (while still feeling so classy and Bond-y that it doesn't run the risk of over-dramatization).

Many of these theme songs have utilized musical elements from the original Bond theme in their composition, but I'd argue that this has never been done quite as ingeniously as in Skyfall, where notes and intervals familiar from the original theme are arranged into massive, dramatic chords in key parts of the song, making the song simultaneously feel like James Bond but also like it's larger than James Bond. Also, Adele gives the arguably greatest vocal performance heard in any of these songs, which is really saying something when you look at the level of artists involved in this tradition.

1. Paul McCartney and Wings - Live and Let Die (Live and Let Die, 1973)

Yeah, there's no way around it, this is and will probably always be my favorite. As a fan of the Beatles and of rock music, it's no surprise that I have a place in my heart for this particular track, but it's not only that - Roger Moore's fast-paced debut film as 007 was such a perfect place for this song, one that felt more dangerous and exciting than previous Bond themes in order to set itself apart while still being charming and classy enough to feel like the same franchise.

The harmonies in the instrumental section are genius, building a sense of action-cinema tension in the most wonderful ways, while the dynamic shifting from beautiful and ballad-y into full-blown rock anthem in the intro (and then again at the end) is unforgettable. Out of the many, many great Bond themes out there, this takes the cake as my winner.

Thank you for reading! Tune in next week for my final instalment of the Bond theme month - the top 10 'Bond girls', from a modern feminist perspective.

Ranking Every James Bond

Greetings, reader!

Goldfinger, the classic third instalment that many have called the greatest film of the James Bond franchise, turns 60 years old this month. In honor of that, September will be filled with various 007-related rankings, beginning with my ranking of the six actors who have graced the title role with their presence. This is my answer to the ever-debated question - who is the best James Bond?

6. George Lazenby (On Her Majesty's Secret Service)

Yeah, I'd love to come in with a refreshing hot take on how actually we've all been wrong for decades and Lazenby isn't the worst out of the bunch after all - but there's just no way around it. Don't get me wrong, I'm sure he's a fine actor and probably a nice guy, but as Bond, the one-flop-wonder just didn't have what it takes.

His awkwardness in the role might be less prominent if the movie in itself was bad on other regards - then you could say that it's actually the fault of the script et cetera. But On Her Majesty's Secret Service has the makings of a top-tier Bond film, which unfortunately underlines what it is that stands in the way of the film's greatness. With a classic Blofeld plot, Diana Rigg as one of the all-time greatest 'Bond girls' and the abrupt and emotional ending, the film could be one of the franchise's best - if it wasn't for the fact that the guy playing the role feels wooden and just a bit off.

5. Timothy Dalton (The Living Daylights, Licence to Kill)

Once you get past Lazenby, all five James Bonds have multiple commendable qualities to them and could be ranked in any number of ways. I do consider the oft-forgotten Timothy Dalton to be a bit underrated as Bond - but he's still barely below the rest, if we're being honest. His two 007 flicks (also quite underrated) have a tone of their own, apparently being more loyal to the style of Ian Fleming's novels than any of the other films. This makes the films (and thus the leading man) quite good, but also a big forgettable, as they're more about the actual espionage and less about flashy action.

Dalton is believable and down-to-earth as the Mi6 secret agent, which was a nice change of pace after the rear end of the Moore era had drifted to increasingly outlandish antics. While he has everything it takes to be worthy of the role, he never sets himself apart enough to be in the GOAT conversations - his 007 is fine, but pretty much everything he does well, one of the other Bond actors did even better.

It also hurts his placement that he never really got an 'era' - two films aren't enough for that, so he doesn't have the advantage of the more seasoned Bond actors where fans look upon their reign fondly while remembering the common themes and tropes of that particular chapter in the franchise. Dalton is a bit of an odd one out, but still very worthwhile.

4. Daniel Craig (Casino Royale, Quantum of Solace, Skyfall, Spectre, No Time to Die)

I really had to go back and forth with this one - part of me wanted to put him higher, and part of me lower. Daniel Craig is different from his predecessors in a way similar to how his movies are different from what came before, truly being the right man for the era. More serious and brooding than previous editions, Craig walks a fine line of not going too far into that end, because nobody would want to watch a James Bond so sulky that he forgets to quip one-liners and spread STDs for the glory of England. All of the trademark characteristics of the character, from the charm to the dry humor, are still there, but significantly more nuanced and held back.

I love the campiness of the old Bond films (minus the loads and loads of poorly aged and offensive material) so much that Craig can't possibly be my #1 favorite - I like that they did a more serious version of the character and he does a good job with it, but let's be serious: the James Bond we know and love isn't too serious. The main reason that the dark and brooding version works is because it's a fresh take on an already beloved and iconic character, so I see Craig's take on the role like Disturbed's cover of The Sound of Silence - makes cool and interesting choices, but doesn't hold a candle to the original.

In addition, a big factor in Craig being ahead of Dalton is that in many regards, his acting performance is the best out of all six. Being a good James Bond is about much more than conventional acting skill, and I'm guessing quite a few of the others could've pulled off a more layered performance if the script called for it, but Craig is the only one with the proof.

3. Roger Moore (Live and Let Die, The Man with the Golden Gun, The Spy Who Loved Me, Moonraker, For Your Eyes Only, Octopussy, A View to a Kill)

"Nobody does it better", sings Carly Simon in the The Spy Who Loved Me theme, and indeed, nobody did it better. Well, in my subjective view, the two guys ahead of him did even slightly better. But still, nobody did it quite like the late great Sir Roger Moore.

I love his baffling, unique take on James Bond so much. You'd think that for the franchise's arguably most fast-paced, action-packed and completely bonkers era, they would have gone with a real cowboy type, a conventional man of action, fast in his movements and sly in his smiles. But remember, this is the UK's project, not the U.S. - and so they chose a man with such dry and well-timed wit, so unassuming and so unintentionally funny in the manner of everything just sort of happening around him and through him, that the Moore era got its signature feel of "the craziest shit you've ever seen happening to a normal-looking guy whose facial expressions don't change much".

Moore's Bond is in many ways the opposite to Craig's, but just like with Craig, it was exactly what the era called for. Even though he played 007 for a record-breaking span of seven movies, I'd argue that he shows less range in his acting than any of his counterparts, but that's completely fine - the scripts of the Moore era do not call for breaking down in tears and giving monologues. They call for the world's most nonchalant motherf**ker slightly shrugging after a laser bursts from his watch to save him from a bridge collapsing on top of him. And that's exactly what they got.

2. Sean Connery (Dr. No, From Russia with Love, Goldfinger, Thunderball, You Only Live Twice, Diamonds Are Forever)

I know - a vast majority would call Connery the GOAT, and with good reason. I am only inches away from putting him at #1 as well, and will never have a quarrel with anyone of the opinion that he was the best. The absolute legend had so much going on for him - in addition to being suave and badass in his own right, he earns a lot of points for being the first, and shaping the very foundation of the character. Every Bond since him would be compared to him, and for good reason.

It's not just that he happened to be the first, but that his role made the character and franchise so popular that it kept going long enough to call for a re-casting, so he is very much to thank for all the others. While my own subjective #1 favorite is barely someone else, I do see Connery as one you absolutely have to respect, one that rightfully tops many rankings, and one that has to be in everyone's top three. For classical composers it's Bach, for American authors it's Hemingway, and for James Bond actors it's Sean f**king Connery.

1. Pierce Brosnan (GoldenEye, Tomorrow Never Dies, The World Is Not Enough, Die Another Day)

It took me years to realize that as much as I love Connery's Bond, the only thing keeping him at my #1 spot was a sense of 'you have to have him at #1', in a type of elitist thinking that us film enthusiasts learn at a young age and have to learn our way out of. When asked honestly who my favorite James Bond is, with no disrespect to my #2-#5 picks (and only some disrespect to poor George Lazenby), I can't help it - it's Pierce Brosnan.

He burst onto the scene with GoldenEye, my all-time favorite Bond film, where the combination of hero, villain, plot and theme song fit together with unforeseen beauty. And before you get all "okay so you just like him because his movies are good, but that's not fair, that alone doesn't mean that he's the best Bond", I can assure that that is not the case - Die Another Day is a piece of cinematic trash, with the most stupid-ass plot I've ever encountered in a Bond film...but Brosnan kicks so much ass in it that he alone prevents it from being quite in the last place in my ranking of the franchise's films.

When he's in a good Bond film, like GoldenEye or Tomorrow Never Dies, he helps make them surpass their potential and become even better, and when he's in a stinker like Die Another Day or The World Is Not Enough, he carries the end product with his lovable charisma. While all Bonds have their own charm, his is the one that hits me the most (this may be slightly biased - although a pre-bi-awakening Veikko didn't realize it when watching the films for the first time, I can now confidently say that Pierce Brosnan has always been the hottest James Bond, even before I realized that that played into my enjoyment of his films).

Thank you for reading! The 007 theme month continues next week with a ranking of the franchise's top 10 greatest villains.