Ranking the major acting performances from The Odyssey

Greetings, reader!

I had the great pleasure of seeing Christopher Nolan's newest film The Odyssey recently. It's one of the year's defining movie events, and to me personally, it was most definitely worth the hype. The typical Veikko move would be to post an updated ranking of Nolan's films and review the movie via that, but the thing is - I've already done that twice for the guy's filmography, with both Tenet (2020) and Oppenheimer (2023). Suffice to say that it's one of the best movies of the year so far, and I'm tentatively putting it somewhere between places #4 and #7 in my ranking of Nolans' thirteen films.

I decided that the most interesting post to write would be this: a ranking of the major performances in the film's widely discussed, star-studded ensemble cast! So here is my ranking of every memorable role performance in the film, based on one viewing.

20. Logan Marshall-Green as Melanthius

This secondary antagonist could very much be argued to not belong on the list, but I included him mainly so all of the more impressive performances could be ahead of him and I wouldn't feel too bad about putting any of them at the last place. Don't get me wrong, this performance isn't bad, but it's quite mundane because the character didn't require anything more complex. Marshall-Green does a fine job, but it's definitely a far cry from the more unforgettable roles and fleshed-out characters.

19. Travis Scott as Bard

I do actually get the casting choice, in all bizarre glory - Nolan sees rappers as the modern continuation of the bardic tradition, so he wanted cast a genuine modern-day bard in this role. As weird of a "What the hell is a polar bear doing in Arlington, Texas" moment as it was to see Travis Scott in a historical epic, he actually carries the role flawlessly. Then again, it's such a small role (though an important one, atmosphere-wise), that there isn't very much he gets to do other than recite words in a cool manner a few times.

18. Benny Safdie as Agamemnon

I've seen a lot of people online singing their praises and calling this one of the film's best performances - and they've got to be at least half-joking, right? Don't get me wrong, there isn't anything bad about this performance, but as was the case with the previous entries, it's such a minor role (and not one of those minor roles that the actor does absolute miracles with, as we'll see a few of those later down the list). Yes, I get it, he has aura, and Safdie was the right casting choice for sure - but the character basically stands around, looking cool in armor, and says between zero and two lines of dialogue from what I can recall. A fine casting choice, but people are going a bit overboard with the Agamemnon hype if you ask me.

17. Ryan Hurst as Mentor

Mentor the mentor had quite a good chunk of screentime when compared to many of these, but is still ranked relatively low because the character wasn’t written to require all that much talent or range. Ryan Hurst was the right casting choice, as he definitely had the right look for the part and he used his lines and subtle acting style to further the plot and serve the bigger picture.

16. James Remar as Tiresias

The sequence with the blind prophet Tiresias giving Odysseus a warning was all sorts of cool, and James Remar’s short but poignant performance definitely elevated the impact of the scene. Between voicing the Pig’s Head villain in horror flick They Will Kill You and doing a decent Tiresias, 2026 has been a great year for James Remar playing creepy mythological roles.

15. Bill Irwin as Cyclops

Bill Irwin’s role is naturally difficult to compare to the rest of these, as motion capture acting is its own arena and one can easily forget that there is a guy playing Polyphemus the cyclops. But Bill Irwin, who also collaborated with Nolan by voicing the lovable robot T.A.R.S. in Interstellar (man, Nolan really has something against showing this guy’s face to the world), does a fantastic job with the mo-cap performance and the character’s haunting, emotionally charged voice when he appeals to Poseidon.

14. Mia Goth as Melantho

The role isn’t a very big one, but Mia Goth’s effortlessly powerful on-screen presence makes Melantho a whole lot more interesting than the character would be if a lesser actress was portraying her. Various microexpressions and nuances in her interactions with characters like Penelope and Antinous make the character mysterious and worthy of analysis.

13. Corey Hawkins as Polybus

There are so many different types of good acting to be found from this film’s ensemble, and Corey Hawkins as Polybus is a brilliant example of the underrated and surprisingly many-sided supporting character one might initially overlook. Polybus isn’t all that important to the story, other than as Antinous’ second-fiddle antagonist, but what separates films like The Odyssey from less impressive films is that they cast genuinely talented actors (and let them do their thing) even for these kinds of roles! While Polybus is a side character with relatively little screentime, he is anything but one-note; Hawkins brings small but noticable amounts of humor, envy and humanity into the role in order to make the villain much more interesting to follow.

12. Lupita Nyong'o as Helen / Clytemnestra

Yeah, it’s not a whole lot of screen time, but then again, it’s Lupita Nyong’o. One of the most talented actresses of her generation, Nyong’o makes her version of Helen of Troy effortlessly interesting. On some occasions, casting an elite-level actor in a small role is a questionable choice, but on others (like this one), I found it completely justified.

Helen didn’t need to have a big role because she has more to do with the Iliad and is a very minor player in the Odyssey, but at the same time, it kind of had to be a larger-than-life actress as long as she was going to be included in the film - the character is just that iconic. Not only did Lupita look the part and serve the right amount of aura, she also brought her full talent on display despite the short screentime - the entire pain of the character’s lore can be read across her bleak, reflective facial expressions. Powerful stuff.

11. Charlize Theron as Calypso

It took me a while to warm up to this performance - I know she’s a talented actress, but her first few scenes in this film gave a bit of a ”miscast big-name actor” vibe. Alas, this first impression was thankfully a total misfire!

As the film progressed and we got a more in-depth look at this version of Calypso, she gained all sorts of extra layers and Theron’s acting choices started to make more and more sense. When all is said and done, the casting choice ended up being a home run, and Theron did all sorts of interesting things with the character.

10. Himesh Patel as Eurylochus

This is a true team-player acting performance if I ever saw one: in a cast undoubtedly full of big egos portraying a story that requires a lot of dramatic flair from many of its performers, Himesh Patel as Eurylochus brings some much-needed balance to the whole. He never makes a big fuss about himself or comes close to stealing too much attention, but plays one of the more grounded major characters with a humane subtlety that immediately makes the story more relatable and accessible for the viewer. His rising tensions and eventual arguments with Matt Damon’s Odysseus are absolute dynamite without being over-the-top.

9. Elliot Page as Sinon

I liken the role of Elliot Page in this production to the role of Ferran Torres in Spain’s 2026 World Cup -winning team; he’s not a constant, he’s only there for a fairly small amount of time, but when arriving in the right place at the right time, he makes all the difference in the world. Page’s scenes as Sinon are relatively few, but my God, he does so much with them, painting a beautiful picture of fear, bravery and sacrifice.

8. Jon Bernthal as Menelaus

He’s done it again! Jon Bernthal is one of those actors who simply doesn’t miss, and his latest role is no exception. What he does with his voice alone, in the sequence where we see flashbacks to the Trojan war while he explains his experience to Telemachus - the grating style of speaking and grim tone express pain, bitterness and all sorts of emotions while coloring the atmosphere of the scene in a phenomenal manner.

7. Robert Pattinson as Antinous

This is the shit! For the role of Antinous, the chief suitor of Penelope and main antagonist of the story, a more inside-the-box casting director would’ve gone with a more archetypical ’slimy guy’ - which would’ve been fine. But casting Robert Pattinson, who can famously play absolutely anything and anyone except anything mundane, as he so effortlessly makes every role fascinating, was a stroke of genius. Pattinson’s acting choices made the villain so much more engaging to follow - the bursts of anger, the humorous nuances and the sheer weirdness made the character feel genuinely unpredictable, and all the more dangerous for it.

6. Zendaya as Athena

Jesus Christ, the range on this woman…it’s truly staggering. After mastering roles from the musical sidekick and the quirky love interest, through the heartbreaking drug addict and the iconic literary hero, all the way to the powerhouse leading lady and whatever the hell The Drama was, it only makes sense that the next move in Zendaya’s wild-ass career trajectory was to play a literal Goddess.

Nolan’s script utilizes Athena in a very specific and intriguing manner, and there simply isn’t anyone currently working in Hollywood who was better suited for a wise, mysterious and mythical presence than Zendaya. Her scenes with Matt Damon are absolutely unreal, her facial expressions say so much with so little, and the range she showcases in that film-defining reveal near the end is incredibly powerful.

5. John Leguizamo as Eumaeus

While there is one supporting male performance that I personally ranked ahead of this one, it’s John Leguizamo who I’m guessing will be getting a Best Supporting Actor Oscar nomination - and if so, it’ll be very deserved. Who knows - dude might even win it. In a role completely different from anything else I’ve seen Leguizamo in before, he takes the archetype of the wise old man who stayed loyal to the hero throughout a time of turbulent change and just f**king goes places with it.

Leguizamo’s performance isn’t as bombastic as many in the film, and therein lies its beauty - he brings humane tenderness to the film’s milieu, to the point where he’s arguably the beating heart of the story.

4. Tom Holland as Telemachus

The reception to this performance has been somewhat mixed, and I sort of get it - some critics say Holland ’looks lost’ in the film’s milieu when compared to his more seasoned co-stars. However, I see this more as a purposeful and well-reasoned acting choice, and I think it made his Telemachus absolutely enthralling to follow.

In a film full of characters who are sure of themselves and their motives, often to a destructive degree, Holland’s portrayal of a young prince still finding his aspirations and fears feels raw and real. One almost sees the film (or at least the parts set in Ithica) via his point of view, as the degree of uncertainty that can be felt in the character feels a lot more relatable than the defining traits of most characters around him. Holland was also such a perfect casting choice to play the offspring of Matt Damon and Anne Hathaway’s characters; the actor looks the part as he basically has his eyes and her smile, and his performance channels both Hathaway’s Penelope and Damon’s Odysseus while still making the character his own.

3. Samantha Morton as Circe

The divinely talented Samantha Morton only appears in one sequence, but dammit if that isn’t the highlight of the whole three-hour epic, largely thanks to her utterly captivating performance. I’m not all that well-versed in Greek mythology, so I mostly remembered the character Circe from the Percy Jackson novels - but at least based on those recollections, this portrayal encompasses everything Circe could and should be.

First of all, as anyone who saw her as Alpha in The Walking Dead will know, Morton is one of the all-time greats when it comes to acting genuinely creepy. But the scary side of it is just the tip of the iceberg: that’ll reel you in when you arrive at that part of the film, but what will convince you of the performance’s greatness is stuff like the magnetic facial expressions and line deliveries, and the pain of the character’s backstory that can be read between the lines.

2. Matt Damon as Odysseus

Not to take anything away from his brilliant body of work from Good Will Hunting through The Departed all the way to The Martian - but I believe that this right here is the best Matt Damon performance to date. The world-class leading man has outdone himself again, and while he didn’t quite take the #1 spot today, that is more about the unbeatable power of a certain other performance than it is about anything wrong in this performance. Damon hits all the right notes, painting the protagonist in a complex light in complete lockstep with Nolan’s script and the underlying themes.

The way he carries the lonesome scenes, the riveting interactions with his co-stars at other times, and particularly his portrayal of PTSD and survivor’s guilt towards and throughout the film’s final act - very few can do what Matt Damon does at this level. In the prestigious category of leading performances in Chris Nolan films, this one beats DiCaprio in Inception, McConaughey in Interstellar, Bale in the Dark Knight trilogy, and basically everything except for the holy grail that is Cillian Murphy in Oppenheimer. And honestly, it isn’t all that far behind that one either.

1. Anne Hathaway as Penelope

I was convinced that no performance in Anne Hathaway’s filmography will ever top her Oscar-winning role in Les Miserables (2012), but honestly, this one is giving Fantine a run for her money. The absolute icon brings every inch of her talent to the role of Penelope, making sure that every line delivery conveys deliberate, razor-sharp meanings and complex emotions. Throughout the film, Hathaway’s towering presence keeps the viewer invested in Penelope’s journey and fascinated in her story, and she has a unique chemistry with each co-star she interacts with in order to make the character relationships as compelling as possible. Absolute cinema.

Thank you for reading! Tune in next week as I continue discussing the art of acting - as I rank the top 100 movie acting performances of all time.

Top 30 unforgettable moments from the 2026 World Cup

Greetings, reader!

Well, the 2026 World Cup in men's football ended last Sunday. A World Cup always provides some unforgettable moments, from Geoff Hurst's hattrick in the 1966 final and Maradona's hand of God in '86 all the way Zidane's 2006 headbutt and the vuvuzelas and jabulani of 2010. While this tournament was strikingly different from its predecessors in many regards, it's no different in the sense that there were, once again, many highly memorable moments. Here are the top 30 defining moments from the 2026 World Cup that the football world should never forget!

30. Team USA defeats free speech 1-0 with its journalist visa bullshit

Granted, Freedom of Speech hasn't been a top contender in the World Cup for a while, between the debacles of the 2018 World Cup in Putin's Russia or 2022 in Qatar. Hopes certainly weren't high this time either, with one of the three host countries being the United States - a nation that loves to preach "freedom" while taking freedoms away.

In a tactical move as cunning as an offside trap and as vile as stoppage time time-wasting, the Trump regime confirmed its victory over freedom of the press by requiring a journalist visa for any influencers who traveled to see the World Cup and share content from the games. And this wasn't limited to social media influencers either - many legitimate journalists from Iran and various African countries were denied visas and couldn't attend the tournament after all, despite having their papers in order.

29. Tiki Taka tactics in transportation

Football is a complex sport - some teams play in tight-knit formations while others spread their players wide; play in a predictable manner but efficiently enough to be unstoppable, while others focus on surpising and confusing the opponent. In a truly bizarre combination of wide-spread formations and confusing strategies, the U.S. threw out the rulebook when it came to infrastructure and transportation lessons learned from previous World Cups.

The United States, a country whose current leaders mercilessly mock third world countries every chance they get, proved to be a disasterclass of incompetence themselves, by totally dropping the ball on their host nation responsibilities regarding infrastructure and transportation. Regular fans, accustomed to stadiums that are well-integrated into their cities, had to battle severe gridlock, car-centric layouts with little options for public transport or walking, and outrageous travel fares from stadium to stadium with no special arrangements made for, y'know, the World Cup. But hey, at least Infantino got to fly from game to game on his private jet!

28. Artificial intelligence (90+5)

You know how we've all always watched football and went "Hey, this is fairly cool and all, but it's really missing a component where we see what the ref sees and water-wasting AI technology is used to enhance the image"? Well, that ever-prevalent issue sure has been fixed now! In a classic example of FIFA's ironclad ability to read a room, it's amazing how our prayers were answered just as the world was ranting about how having AI dominate the spaces of music and other arts isn't enough, and that we definitely need that shoved into football as well!

27. Visa bonds park the bus against nonwhite countries

In football, it's important to keep the opposing team's attackers from scoring in your net - and in Trump's United States, it's important to keep people from countries you don't like from coming into your country even when you're supposed to be f**king hosting the World Cup. In a defensive block as infamous as prime Beckenbauer, the "host" nation used its devastating visa bond system to make this happen.

People from countries affected by the regime's racist travel ban, like Algeria, Senegal and Cape Verde, have had to pay a 15 000 dollar visa bond to travel to the States. It was waived for some ticket-holding fans depending on the country, but affected many more, so that many players had to enter the competition without family or personal support because their loved ones couldn't afford the outrageous fee.

Thousands of fans with plans to travel to the World Cup had their visas denied, many with completely arbitrary reasons and despite having the required paperwork - and as you can imagine, FIFA is trying its best to wash its hands of accountability. What did they think would happen when they choose to have the World Cup hosted by a regime that hates immigrants?!

26. Take that, armbands!

French manager Didier Deschamps had to miss his team's final group stage match, as his mother had just tragically passed away. The French football association had requested that the team could wear black armbands in honor of Deschamps' mother - and the request was denied by FIFA. This one might seem almost trivial when compared to many other fiascos from this tournament, but it does add to the overall middle finger that FIFA keeps showing to the football world. Especially when contrasted with the fact that Argentina requested to wear special blue armbands as a 1986 throwback in order to intimidate England for the semifinal - and FIFA did approve that one?!

At least by a quick google search, I couldn't find any reasoning from FIFA for why they denied the very reasonable request for a nice gesture - I'm sure if there was profit involved, they would've been all over it. Simply mourning a dead family member was probably too humane for blood-sucking vampires like Infantino to comprehend. I'm guessing not a soul will be mourning him when he's gone.

25. Haiti’s badge fuckery

Sure, capitalism may the biggest MVP for why this World Cup was the way it was, but imperialism is a close runner-up whose value can't be understated. Out of the countries competing in this farce of a World Cup, very few have faced as much hostility from the Trump regime as Haiti, and as an extra reminder of what a colossal dick of a host nation the U.S. decided to be, Trump had his buddy Infantino demand that Haiti changes its jersey. Because the original jersey was deemed too political.

For those wondering, the political element in question was a visual depiction of a battle in the Haitian revolution, largely regarded as the first successful slave revolt and the creation of the world's first free Black republic. Of course, it makes sense that a giant of imperialism like the U.S. wouldn't want such imagery celebrated, but still...really, FIFA? Too political? Just as a reminder, here are elements from this World Cup that weren't deemed too political for FIFA's taste:

- Argentine players waving a "The Falklands belong to Argentina" banner after beating England, facing zero consequences despite longstanding precedent of FIFA sanctioning players for promoting political messages

- A fascist regime handpicking who can come and enjoy the tournament based on what country they come from

- Games being played in stadiums that are just a few miles away from ICE concentration camps

- A fascist dictator making the tournament all about himself, even intruding on the winning team's trophy lift

- The same fascist dictator getting a goddamn "peace prize" from a criminal enterprise masquerading as a football association, while waging war and bombing civilians in the Middle East

But yeah, sure, let's force Haiti to change their jersey, because that's the real issue here.

24. Senegal and Uzbek players bravely dribble past border checkpoints

Players from certain teams had to face much scarier opponents than any centre-back when participating in the tournament - border officials working for a xenophobic U.S. government. When players from teams like Senegal and Uzbekistan arrived on U.S. soil, they were treated like criminals, down to full cavity searches for no good reason. Call me crazy, but a country whose leadership fears people from other cultures in such a blatantly hateful fashion has absolutely no f**king business hosting the World Cup.

23. A brilliant, if unintentional, advertisement for women's football

While I ended up following the tournament like a trainwreck you can't look away from, the magic of the World Cup felt extremely damaged at best - ever since I started following football as a little kid, this tournament was always a major high point of the summer. In 2010, 2014, 2018 and 2022, I remember filling out brackets before the first game had kicked off, and I fondly remember which teams played on opening day and what the score was and where I was watching it. This year, it felt different and somehow tainted due to the piss-poor job that the U.S. did as hosts, and that is a sad reality for any football fan to face.

However, there's a massive silver lining - I only started to properly follow women's football some years ago (the Veikko of the past apologizes for being a bad feminist, but hey, never too late to grow, right?), so I'm still getting used to the idea of a World Cup actually happening twice every four years. And I'm guessing that I'll channel all of the magic and hype that I missed out on this year right into the women's World Cup, played in Brazil, in the summer of 2027! I mean, I was going to follow it anyways, but the crappiness of the men's tournament in 2026 definitely serves as a further advertisement for the much less problematic world of women's football.

22. The shocking early elimination of Iraq's team photographer

There are always some surprise parties who don't make it into the tournament - this year they included the Italian national team, the Denmark national team and...several staff members of teams who did make it into the tournament but from countries that the Trump regime doesn't like?!

A glaring example is Talal Salah, the official photographer of the Iraqi national team. Upon arrival in the Fourth Reich, Salah was detained and questioned for 10 hours, and ultimately denied entry into the country. Salah himself, as well as the Iraqi team, maintained that he had his paperwork in order, and the U.S. customs never gave a proper reasoning other than "vetting concerns" for this seeminly arbitrary and cruel denial. Just imagine the outrage if this had happened to the team photographer of a country that the western media cares about...

21. A red card...for the Palestine FA?

The World Cup is an event that is supposed to bring the world together and celebrate unity between cultures. And nothing says 'unity' quite like 'entry denied because of the country that you represent'! Jibril Rajoub, the head of the Palestinian Football Association, had planned to attend the tournament, but the U.S. denied his visa - you guessed it - without any good reason. He was able to attend a game in Mexico, at least, but still - generally, host countries don't make a big point out of denying entry to delegates from the football world. It's almost like a country with a xenophobic government shouldn't be hosting a worldwide sporting event...

20. What the football world really needed - cracking down on those pesky fans

One of the many feel-good stories from the world of international football has been that of Michel Kuka Mboladinga - DR Congo's most iconic superfan, who would stand completely motionless for the entire duration of each game as tribute to independence hero Patrice Lumumba. Congolese fans were excited to see Mboladinga do his thing on the world stage - only for him not to make it, you guessed it, because his visa was denied. He applied for it plenty of time via the correct channel, and once again, no public comment was given as reasoning for the denial.

Now, if you're wondering why the U.S. is denying all these visas without giving proper reasoning - sure, it could be that the gimmicky Congo fan and the Iraq photographer and the head of the Palestine FA as well as thousands and thousands of regular fans are all terrorist masterminds whose secret plans must be redacted for national security. OR, and bear with me here; these fascist dickheads think they can do whatever they want and treat people like garbage without consequence. Of course, if that was true, that would mean that the system that put them into power is deeply corrupt and evil and should be completely dismantled...

19. New breakout stars for polluting industries

Remember when football started out as a fun little recreational activity among English industry workers? Oh, how far we've come - now that the Midas touch of capitalism has its hands all over the beautiful game, it's not just the game itself we get to enjoy - there's also the sponsors, such as Saudi Aramco, the main sponsor of the 2026 World Cup! Amidst deadly heatwaves and floods, this fossil fuel giant got to use the world's biggest football stage to further its rise as one of the biggest oil companies and nature polluters on the planet.

Sure, there might not be a World Cup a hundred years from now because the planet is fucked and the people with the power to stop it are actively making the crisis worse, but who cares - for a beautiful moment, deals like the Saudi Aramco sponsorship is gonna make a lot of money for those who already have way too much of it at the cost of a livable planet for future generations, and at the end of the day, isn't that what sports are all about? Wait, what's that - that's not what sports are supposed to be about? Oh dear.

18. FIFA shows us a glimpse into the future

Okay, so maybe this wasn't quite the best World Cup after all. But hey, maybe FIFA will learn from its mistakes now? Like, after the controversy of the 2018 World Cup in Russia, and the even bigger mess of 2022 in Qatar, and the *even* worse shitshow of 2026 in the U.S., maybe they'll steer away from corrupt deals with authoritarian states?

On first glance, things actually do look positive, as the 2030 competition is set to be hosted by Spain, Portugal and Morocco. But once you dig deeper, you realize why we most definitely need to keep holding FIFA accountable: the organization is currently slaughtering thousands and thousands of stray dogs in Morocco, as a means up "cleaning up its streets" ahead of competitions, with current estimates projecting that FIFA will kill over a million dogs in the country leading up to 2030. And for 2034, the World Cup is set to played in Saudi f**king Arabia, another totalitarian state who got the job via shady and blatantly corrupt dealings with FIFA. Times like this remind me of that time when John Oliver was asked how he can hate FIFA even though he's a football fan, and he replied "I hate FIFA because I'm a football fan". Ain't that the truth.

17. Brilliant new tactics, like the "hydration breaks"

Ahead of a World Cup, it's always fun to speculate what strategies the teams will use to get ahead - defensive or attacking-oriented, straight-forward street football or elegant tiki taka, 4-4-2 or 5-2-3 et cetera. With this year's tournament, however, the most cunning tactics didn't come from the squads playing the games at all, but rather from the tournament's true winners - the capitalist ruling class, making the filthy-rich even filthier-richer by taking advantage of a beautiful sport.

One of the many tactics utilized by Corporations FC was the evil-genius move of introducing "hydration breaks". In football terms, this is similar to the False Nine - it appears to be one thing at first glance (a striker / a means for the players to stay hydrated), while actually serving a completely different purpose (dropping to a playmaker role / a means to run more ads). The introduction of hydration breaks may have disrupted the flow of several matches while making zero sense especially in those games that weren't played in heat, but it did however generate hundreds of millions of dollar in ad revenue! Not to mention, this did make the game more accessible for the current culture in the central host country - like some wise soul on Instagram said, there's something unsettling about a society that can't go 22 minutes without an ad break.

16. The ironclad partnership between the Trump regime and FIFA

I won't even go into the most glaring specific cases here, as they deserve their own entries further down the list. But, already in general - no partnership from this World Cup, from Spain's centre-backs Cubarsi & Laporte to France' attackers Dembele and Mbappé, was as unstoppable, dangerous and in complete lockstep with one another as presidents Donald Trump and Gianni Infantino.

I'm guessing that the foundation for their friendship is either their shared trait of a complete lack of human morality, or then their shared love for cheating, bribery, mass murder and hoarding amounts of money that you could fix world hunger with. In any case, they clearly saw the value in each other and their partnership throughout this tournament - they're stronger together, with both helping the other get richer and more powerful at the expense of the rest of the world.

15. A bizarre moral victory for...Russia and Qatar?!

Look, I'm not writing this to defend Putin's Russia or the authoritarian Qatari government, because they don't deserve that. I'm rather using them to make a point of how far-out the United States' utter failure as a host nation was - if you make the aforementioned host nations look good in comparison, you know you've really fucked up.

For all of the very deserved criticism that the 2018 and 2022 World Cups got, at least they f**king let fans from all over the world come and watch the competition. Measures were taken to make tickets affordable, travel restrictions and VISA processes were eased instead of tightened, and fans were able to travel to the stadiums without spending their life savings on travel fares. A clear factor in this comparison is Gianni Infantino - in 2018, FIFA demanded that Russia restructure its immigration system to make it easier for fans to travel, and in 2022, FIFA negotiated with Qatar to make the rules and restrictions a bit less tight than the host nation wanted - but in 2026, because Infantino and Trump are best buddies, the organization let the Trump regime do whatever the fuck they wanted while Infantino hid between the myth of powerlessness.

This comparison also highlights a complete double standard in the western media when it comes to criticizing host nations. Remember what a fit the football community and sports media threw about beer being banned from stadiums in Qatar? That was made out to be a bigger deal than people being banned in the 2026 World Cup.

And do you remember how loud the criticism over Qatar's treatment of the LGBTQ+ community was in 2022? Don't get me wrong, it's good that it was loud, but here's the thing - I haven't heard half as much talk about the United States' treatment of the LGBTQ+ community in the context of this tournament, even though hundreds of anti-LGBTQ bills were filed in the country just last year, the country is currently estimated to be one of the most dangerous countries in the world for trans people, and the regime is actively demonizing the rainbow community and regularly advocating for violence against us. That makes me think that a lot of the 'critics' from 2022 didn't really give a flying fuck about LGBTQ+ rights, but rather wanted to find flaws in a Muslim country while failing to see the same flaws in a white western nation.

14. The strongest defensive block of the tournament - ICE

What a fun time it was for Americans to enjoy a World Cup hosted by their home country - well, that is, except for everyone who couldn't go out and join in on the festivities due to ICE's presence near stadiums and fan areas. While there weren't many news stories about ICE going overboard during the tournament, there were quite a few stories leading up to the tournament about migrants residing in the U.S. who were afraid to participate and who "knew that they aren't welcome" - what a massive, massive sign that their country has failed them.

It's no wonder that ICE's wildly unchecked actions throughout this year have stoked enough fear that many members of immigrant communities opted to stay home for their own safety. Is it dreaming too big to hope that the World Cup would be hosted in a country where everyone, no matter what their skin color, can go outside and soak in the World Cup atmosphere without fear of being snatched by masked government agents?

13. Pulisic and company make history playing in a major tournament without spines

This is an inspiring tale for all of us - if you ever feel like the cards are stacked against you, just remember that the United States Men's National Team advanced all the way to the Round of 16 under the heartbreaking condition that every single one of their players was born without a spine, or had their spine removed at some point during their lives. Don't believe me? Just look at the facts pointing to spinelessness: while they happily represent their country in major sports, said country is being lead by a fascist, racist and thoroughly evil administration - and not one of the players, at any given point, even a little bit, entertained the notion that maybe the racist, rapist, convicted felon leading the country isn't the best guy in the world.

I've seen people online defending the U.S. players by saying that it's not 'realistic' to expect them to make political points while focusing on a major tournament - and that's pretty f**king hilarious, because the U.S. Women's team has absolutely no trouble making their values clear (it helps that they actually have some). This makes the women's team easy for us Americans who care about human rights to support, and by comparison, makes the men's team look like a group of pathetic cowards! Then again, the women's team is a whole different story...they actually win trophies, for one thing.

I don't know if the complete lack of criticism towards the Trump regime was because the players are secretly MAGA supporters, or because they privately dislike Trump but were afraid to speak out - and honestly, I'm not sure which option is worse. The first would mean that they support a government that has a masked Gestapo shooting civilians in the street and grabbing innocent kids from their homes, but the second would mean that they are such weak-willed, miserable urchins that they're content watching the rise of fascism in their country as long as their rich, privileged asses remain unaffected.

Actually, I thought of the perfect metaphor for the U.S. Men's team. Back in junior high school, I was bullied a lot. I remember resenting the bullies, and I remember equally resenting those fellow students (and some of the teachers as well) who saw the bullying take place and didn't do anything to stop it. That's the U.S. Men's team. Every single one of them, from Pulisic and McKennie to Balogun and Ream, is no better than a schoolteacher standing by as a defenseless kid is bullied, knowing that they could say or do something to help the kid, but actively choosing to ignore the situation. Fuck them.

12. The tournament offers a nostalgic trip down memory lane...all the way to 1936 Berlin

In 1936, Hitler's Nazi Germany hosted the Olympics. The regime clearly understood the power of sports as a propaganda tool, as they spent shitloads of money to make the event all flashy on the outside, so that they could showcase their power (and the supposed greatness of a white supremacist society) to the rest of the world. The regime tried to balance between a delicate double-edged sword - on one hand, use the beloved sporting event to distract from their human rights abuses and polish their international reputation, but on the other, use the platform of the tournament to market their far-right society to the world, and to spread the word of authoritarian rule and white nationalism.

ANY OF THAT SOUND F**KING FAMILIAR?!

Now, I do have to admit that I'm being a bit unfair with this comparison, as there is one key difference. In 1936, the international community still had some balls, so several countries boycotted the Berlin Olympics, and while the event still ended up happening, the boycott movements did counteract Hitler's goal of using the event to legitimize his regime at least to some degree. Ninety years later, the big difference is that each and every country was happy to oblige and join the Nazi government's propaganda event.

11. The misuse, nay, ABUSE of VAR

This entry goes less into the wonderful world of geopolitics and late-stage capitalism, and more into the realm of pure football critique. Sports-wise, it was a decent tournament by many merits - but the way in which Video Assistant Refereeing was used made me absolutely livid. Mind you, I’ve generally been on the side of VAR since its inception, and have defended it to many fellow fans of the sport on many occasions - so the glaring flaws in VAR usage during this tournament felt, if you’ll allow me to be a tad melodramatic, like a personal betrayal.

I get using VAR to check offside situations, penalty calls and other such high-stakes, grey-area situations that the referee might have missed when it happened. I even get, to *some* degree, using VAR for the rule that a goal can be disallowed if the attacking team committed a foul leading up to it - but in this World Cup, they went so ridiculously fucking overboard with that rule that all logic, consistency and respect for the game flew out the window.

Two perfect examples are Egypt’s disallowed third goal against Argentina, and Norway’s disallowed goal against England. In both cases, the referee saw the foul when it happened, and chose not to whistle - and later, when a goal is scored, they go back and decide that the ref should have called a foul before, so therefore the goal shouldn’t stand. A call like that, in a World Cup knockout match that’s decided by the margin of one goal, should only be done with very a heavy reasoning: the referee has made the call for the game to go on, after which the team has worked hard to score a vital goal, and it’s unfair as hell that the team who scored gets punished for the referee’s incompetence. Both of the fouls in these examples were a bit of a grey area - I could see them being called as a foul, or letting play go on. But neither one was nearly clear enough to justify taking the scored goal away, especially when the referee initially refused to make the call himself. I absolutely despise this direction - why are we even using human referees at this point, if their job is to just let the game go on and fucking wait until a goal is scored, and then scan if anything shady happened in the preceding minutes?

10. Iraq's star striker pocketed by U.S. border officials

"If America is so hostile towards foreign nationals, why is it hosting the 2026 World Cup?". That is what Iraq's stiker Aymen Hussein had to say, after being detained and questioned for seven hours upon arriving in the States. And if you're wondering - no, Hussein isn't a terrorist or a criminal mastermind, and there were no real grounds for subjecting him to this. Apparently the geniuses who are working to keep our borders safe had mixed him up with someone with the same name.

Mind you, this was the first time since 1986 that Iraq had gotten into the tournament - one can only imagine how excited the players and staff were to participate, and for them to be treated like this is an utter disgrace. At least Hussein wasn't denied entry into the country, like their team photographer, but still...they can't keep getting away with this.

9. A last-minute VAR check rebukes fan ticket allocations

FIFA has a system in place to ensure that a proper amount of fans from each competing country can get in - ticket allocations for fans from each country in the World Cup. This has gone over quite smoothly in previous World Cups, but to the surprise of absolutely no one, the Trump regime said "hold my beer" and figured out a way to ruin that as well.

Some ticket allocations were cancelled by a website error that FIFA didn't bother to rectify, and some were more devious - due to the war being waged by the Trump regime in Iran, Iran's ticket allocation was withdrawn just days before the tournament started, leaving several fans who had made plans to travel to see the World Cup unable to attend. Iran's football federation made quite the damning statement: "Depriving Iranian supporters of access to their lawful and official allocation of tickets is an action contrary to the spirit governing international competitions and the principle of equality among participating countries. This development raises serious questions about the interference of non-sporting and political considerations in the organization of the world's biggest football event".

8. The peace prize debacle

Months before the tournament began, it became pretty clear where it all was headed - in a ceremony in Washington DC, Gianni Infantino presented the first-ever FIFA Peace Prize to recipient Donald J. Trump. Yes, the same Donald Trump whose regime has spent 37 billion dollars waging an ecologically catastrophical, civilian-killing war in Iran, while funding and enabling Israel's ongoing genocide of the Palestinian people. I don't even know where to begin with this one - asking why the fuck is a goddamn football organization giving a fucking peace prize in the first place is a good place to start, I suppose, but especially when the recipient is a war criminal of the highest order - if FIFA had any credibility remaining, they certainly lost it at that point, leaving the World Cup looking just as bleak as it ended up being.

7. Record-breaking stats in *checks notes* ticket prices

Tickets to this World Cup were, by average, many times more expensive than they have been in any previous World Cup. This outrageous rise in ticket prices made the tournament heavily inaccessible for a large portion of the world's football-watching population, especially when combined with the fuck-you VISA bonds implemented on certain countries. Even without those hurdles, it cost thousands of dollars to get a single ticket for a single game.

Now, there are many reasons for this jump in ticket prices, and they are exactly the ones you'd guess. Simon Chadwick, professor of Afro-Eurasian sport at Emlyon Business School, credited the phenomenon mainly with FIFA's decision to have the U.S. as the host country and have 78 of the 104 matches be played there: where many other host nations might look for ways to make the competition accessible and affordable, the U.S. saw a pathway to profit, profit and more profit. The dynamic ticket pricing model that was used made it possible that ticket prices sky-rocketed to quite astronomical amounts, and the powers that be saw no reason to change this - it made money for those calling the shots, and the possibilities of a regular fan to attend a football match were obviously of no interest to them. It's almost like the world of football shouldn't be run by ultra-greedy capitalists...

6. Was it rigged for Argentina? At this point, there's no way to know

Argentina's path to the final, and particularly their round-of-16 match against Egypt, generated tons of controversy and lots of conspiracy theories. And no wonder why - as many have pointed out, every other team that made it to the quarter-finals had roughly a 50-50 split in VAR decisions in their favor and VAR decisions against them, with the sole exception being Argentina - zero VAR decisions, against them, throughout the group stage and knockout stages. Every single time a VAR ruling had to made in an Argentina game, it favored them.

Even if you don't buy a full-fledged conspiracy theory, it's easy to believe a so-called 'soft conspiracy' - Mr. Infantino and the infamously corrupt FIFA leadership had made their support of Argentina clear, so it's easy to imagine that referees were scared to do their jobs in an objective, unbiased manner. The questionable decisions definitely raise questions: why was Egypt's third goal against Argentina ruled out due to VAR noticing a fairly soft foul committed in the minute leading up to the goal, but Argentina's goal in the next 10 minutes wasn't disallowed even though they committed a nearly identical foul in the lead-up to that? Why were there no VAR checks for not one but two incidents in the penalty box that most experts agree should've been awarded as a penalty for Egypt? Why was the yellow card for diving, which referees almost never resort to, used specifically to give a second yellow to Switzerland's most dangerous striker, sending him off right when their game against Argentina was tied? Why weren't the players flying the political Falklands banner banned from the next match, despite FIFA's precedent? Why did Leandro Paredes receive only one yellow card in the final, despite committing four or five fouls clearly worthy of a yellow?

And here's the most daming thing of all: FIFA has no benefit of the doubt. The Balogun fiasco, which I'll get to later, showed us how brazenly FIFA can manipulate the rules of the game to fit its own narrative. If bullshit like that wouldn't happen, it would be easy to say "Hey, there's no way they're rigging the games, because why would they do that? And would they really get away with it?". But from the utterly reckless and completely inconsistent handling of football rules we've seen this tournament - rigging the games in favor of Infantino's favorite team is not something one would put above them. I'm not necessarily saying that they did rig the games - I'm just saying that it wouldn't surprise me in the least if they had, because they had the means, motive and opportunity, and they have showed themselves to be capable of rigging games and lost all reason for anyone to trust them. And that's pretty f**king heartbreaking.

5. Actually getting football fans to root for a referee for the first time ever

Somalian referee Omar Artan was chosen as the Confederation of African Football's men's referee of the year in 2025. He had gotten a lot of acclaim for his officiating in the African Cup of Nations, the CAF Champion's League and the World Cup qualifiers. After years of hard work, he was chosen as one of the top-tier referees who get to officiate in the 2026 World Cup - the highest possible honor for a referee, and something that had always been Artan's dream.

Then, just days before the tournament began, the Fourth Reich banned him from entering the country. No reason was given, even after widespread criticism and condemnation, other than "vetting concerns". Artan had his VISA in order and everything, but no can do - one cannot simply enter American soil unannounced (well, except for the time when the country was literally founded by white people fighting other white people on stolen land). The worldwide football community tried their best to rally behind Artan and appeal to FIFA, but once again, Infantino hid behind the myth of powerlessness and said that nothing can be done. The fact that the Trump regime can pull such a heinously racist act so brazenly and publicly, to a well-known figure with the whole world watching, really makes you wonder what they do to people behind closed doors in ICE detention centers.

4. The Balogun strategy

Kudos to the U.S. Men's Team for this brilliant new tactic! I wonder why any other team hasn't tried this before - if you get a red card and the suspension that comes with it, simply have your head of state call FIFA and ask them to recind the suspension so that your star player can play in the next match! Oh, wait - it might only work if your head of state happens to be best buddies with the FIFA leadership, due to their shared love for corruption and bribery.

It's not as if I had bags of trust in FIFA before this moment, but any shred of credibility that they had was thrown out of the fucking window with this disgraceful act. Folarin Balogun, the best players in the U.S. team, should've been suspended for the knockout game against Belgium, because of the red card that he got in the previous game - that's football rules 101. Yet it all changed when Trump literally called FIFA, asking them to make an exception - and the pathetic, groveling lizard people working for that criminal organization thinly disguised as a sporting association went "okay, sure". Thankfully the team still took a 4-1 beating - if they had progressed forward (or, God forbid, won the tournament) due to this match-fixing, I'd be on the barricades demanding that the results of this sorry excuse for a World Cup be completely discarded from all records.

FIFA's treatment of England made the already outrageous situation even more inconsistent and messy - when Jarell Quansah got a red card in the same round, his one-match ban was extended to the duration of two matches, so that in addition to missing the quarter final, he remained mysteriously suspended for the semi-final against...you guessed it...Argentina.

3. Okay, even I must admit...there were some good parts

If you're wondering why this post is so overwhelmingly negative, there are a couple of reasons: A) I feel like a majority of western media has glossed over the World Cup's scandals and focused too much on the feel-good parts so that people wouldn't get too introspective, and as ridiculously small as this platform of mine is, I wanted to do my part to counteract this for the sake of balance. And B) as painful as it is to come to this conclusion as someone who generally strives to be optimistic - I genuinely believe that the negatives weigh more when it comes to this World Cup. I care about football a lot, but I care about human rights a hell of a lot more.

All of this being said, I do want to use exactly one of these 30 data points to admit that yes, there were positives in this tournament. That doesn't make the problems around it any less serious - but it does offer a much-needed ray of hope. As much as Trump and Infantino tried, they weren't able to completely ruin the beautiful game - they've damaged it for sure, but football still stands tall. So, here are a few moments from the tournament that were unforgettable in a positive way!

Cape Verde’s incredible run, and the heroics of their goalkeeper Vozinha. Every single Netherlands players running to Cody Gakpo to celebrate the vital goal he scored just days after a personal tragedy. Bellingham being moved to tears each time the crowd chanted ”Hey Jude”. Ferran Torres scoring the winner. And, of course, Jordan Henderson getting a yellow card and an injury despite playing zero minutes, due to celebrating too hard after England beat Mexico.

2. The utter humiliation of the Iranian national team

Many records were broken during the 2026 World Cup, and here's the one we should be talking about the most: the United States became the first country in history to bomb a country while hosting the same country's game in a World Cup match.

And that's just the tip of the iceberg. Whatever your thoughts on the Iranian government and the geopolitical situation may be, I'd hope we'd all be on the same page concerning the World Cup: a team of players that fought their way through the qualifiers and into the tournament should get a fair shot of playing the f**king tournament. After Trump himself started the war on Iran, he spent time throughout the spring to try and influence FIFA to kick Iran out of the tournament - and when this didn't go through, his regime used all resources at their disposal to make the tournament as unfairly stacked against the Iranian team as possible.

This was seen in the extra-sweeping VISA denials to fans and backroom staff, and most glaringly, in the unforgivable treatment of the team itself: just days before the tournament, they were notified that they're not allowed to reside on American soil for any other time than the actual games they play. After this, the Iranian FA made a plea for their group stage games to be moved to Canada or Mexico, but this was denied - meaning that they had to make camp in Mexico, and travel to the U.S. on the day of each game to play the game, and then travel back right after the game. This throws a sports team completely out of whack, with no similar opportunities for ideal preparation and recovery rhythms that all the other teams got to enjoy.

I was also frustrated with the complete double standard we saw across western media: instead of focusing on the football, every possible interview with Iranian players, staff and fans was full of questions on whether or not they support their government and what their thoughts on their home country's politics are. That in itself would be fine, if we all agreed that football is political and wanted consistency, but you guessed it: I didn't see one single goddamn journalist asking the U.S. players about their thoughts on the Trump regime. They got to focus on the game, whereas the Iranian players were humiliated and treated as political pawns in a propaganda-101 show of force.

1. And finally, the big winners: late-stage capitalism and white nationalism

I'm glad that Spain won the tournament, but I'm much less glad about the other 'big winners' from this World Cup project. When all is said and done, what I'll remember most from this tournament won't be Olise's playmaking, Bellingham's goals, or Cubarsi's tackles - it'll be the imagery of fans being told they wasted their money on tickets and VISAs as they're not able to enter the country after all, of Trump bragging about how he rigged the game in the USMNT's favor, of games being played on stadiums just a few miles away from ICE concentration camps. Some might say that this is because I'm a bummer and a party pooper, but I maintain that I try to be a glass-half-full guy whenever possible - but this f**king regime is making it very, very hard to focus on the positives. I can't look away when I see people being mistreated and human rights being taken away, and this World Cup was filled to the brim with racism and fascism that I can't help but see that as the biggest takeaway.

The hardest part to swallow is that so much of the cartoonishly evil, openly corrupt fascism genuinely worked. If it didn't, it would be easy to laugh at Trump and company and call them losers - but the fact is that they got exactly what they wanted from this tournament, and it looks like they're facing zero consequences for everything they did to the beautiful game and its fans.

Trump's billionaire oligarchs got a hell of a lot richer thanks to the inhumane ticket prices, unethical sponsor deals and the prioritizing of ad revenue over the beautiful game at every possible turn. Racists had a great tournament, with countless news stories reminding that at its current state, the U.S. can and will treat people from countries they don't like with hostility and disdain, and there seems to be nothing anyone can do about it. And the Trump regime got a massive propaganda win, showcasing a heavily glorified version of the current state of our union to the world, with western media spending much more time ooh-ing and ah-ing at the big stadiums and overall spectacle than looking at the human rights violations right beneath the scenes. Who cares about children being gunned down in schools and getting snatched away from their families by masked government agents, when we get to watch a fun, feel-good propaganda half-time show where children sing about love in the last country in the world that has any f**king right to preach such a message?

To the actual winners on the football pitch, I say congratulations: the Spaniards played beautifully and deserved it. And to the winners of the game behind the game, trying to ruin a sport many of us hold sacred with their worship of profit and/or white supremacy - I hope for them exactly what they hope to the poor, to the children, to people of different cultures and ethnicities.

Thank you for reading! Tune in next week for a ranking of the major performances in Christopher Nolan’s The Odyssey.

Top 10 lines from Modern Family

Greetings, reader!

I recently finished re-watching one of television’s finest sitcoms - Modern Family (2009-2020). I’ve always wanted to do a post where I rank the very best lines from an entire TV show, but the challenge has evaded me, because not even my memory is up for the task - unless I watch the show from beginning to end with this task in mind, pausing to make notes every time a line so good that it might make the cut comes up. So, that’s exactly what I did!

These are the very best lines of dialogue from the show’s eleven-season run, ranked based on a combination of the writing and the actor’s delivery in the situation. I only chose individual lines, although the surrounding context obviously affects my view of a line because dialogue doesn’t exist in a void. Before we get to the actual honorable mentions, I have to share two absolute diamonds that would’ve probably made the cut but had to be disqualified because the joke consists of multiple lines in a way that no one line could represent the whole thing.

First of all, we have the moment from season 5’s iSpy where Phil greets Jay happily and Jay replies with “I’m just here to pick up Manny, no need for a whole thing” - after which we cut to a talking head of Jay reflecting: “I don’t know why I do that to him, the guy’s always so happy to see me!”. Absolutely brilliant. Secondly, we have this 10/10 dialogue from season 3’s Door to Door:

Phil: “Okay, huddle up everybody. Your mother’s right - she’s the quarterback of this family, and we need to protect her like Blind Side did”

Luke: “She just said the mom was Blind Side”

Phil: “Well, she’s confused. Blind Side was the Black kid who played tight end”

Alex: “Offensive line”

Phil: “Sorry, African-American kid”

Anyway, here come the actual honorable mentions, followed by the actual list!

“What’s the plan, Phil?” -Claire Dunphy as Phil tries to stop a car rolling away by jumping on the hood (The Old Wagon, Season 2 Episode 1)

“I don’t know, we just walk around and jump off stuff” -Luke Dunphy on being a kid (Bad Hair Day, Season 4 Episode 16)

“I bet she knew her way around the pole. Eh, should’ve quit after ‘nipple’…how does Leno do it night after night?” -Jay Pritchett being Jay Pritchett (Flip Flop, Season 4 Episode 20)

“He’s a weird man - he’s like Phil except I have to pay for him!” -Jay Pritchett on Andy (The Help, Season 5 Episode 6)

“Didn’t have to, the costume hid it quite nicely” -Cameron Tucker, discussing how he played both the Maid and the Friar in a Robin Hood production, in response to Phil asking “Tuck?” (Crazy Train, Season 7 Episode 21)

10. “The Downton Abbey marathon?” -Jay Pritchett (Rash Decisions, Season 6 Episode 13)

As a response to Manny claiming that he was “tired from the marathon”, this line is a hilarious statement that speaks volumes about both characters - Manny’s silly and artsy persona, as well as Jay’s old-fashioned attitude about his son’s interests and lack of real life experience, are both condensed with perfection into this comeback. Also, Ed O’Neill’s exasperated delivery of the line and his comedic timing are hysterically good.

9. “The Jay Pritchett? I don’t get it - they named you after a sandwich?” -Gloria Delgado-Pritchett (Tableau Vivant, Season 3 Episode 23)

While Gloria isn’t quite my #1 favorite character from the show, she is definitely one of the funniest ones - as proved by the fact that she appears a record four times on today’s list. Everyone in the cast has their strengths: Ty Burrell / Phil is the best at physical comedy and facial expressions, Jesse Tyler Ferguson / Mitch is the best at relatable moments and sarcastic comments, Julie Bowen / Claire is the understated glue of the cast and the beating heart of the show, and I will die on the hill that Sarah Hyland / Haley has the very best comedic timing. But the very best at hilarious deliveries of individual lines, making the absolute most out of the line written in the script - that one goes to Sofia Vergara as Gloria, and it’s really no contest.

This is a brilliant example - the line itself is already pretty damn funny, in a simple yet effective way, but it’s Vergara’s baffled delivery that lifts it all the way to the top ten. Whether the confusion at the order of things comes from Gloria’s language barrier or from a more general lack of logical thinking in the moment, the misunderstanding itself makes for a great joke and Vergara’s delivery truly finds its full potential.

8. “Get the f**k out of here, Manny!” -Lily Tucker-Pritchett (Red Alert, Season 10 Episode 16)

This line is great on so many levels - there's the primitive humor of there being something inexplicably funny in a character obviously saying the F-word and it being bleeped on a network show, as well as the fact that it's a child saying it. Then there's the line's context in all glorious build-up - Lily is having her first period, all the major female characters are outside the bathroom door trying to help but no one is getting through to her, and that's when Manny arrives on the scene and thinks that he can speak to the young girl better than any of the women - hence this line.

The line also gains extra points because it feels like a larger payoff - as much as I adore the Manny from the early seasons, they wrote him into somewhat of an arrogant creep in the later seasons, and after multiple episodes of obnoxious behavior, this line is such a well-earned moment of putting the guy in his place.

7. “She faced her fears, and it didn’t kill her! What killed her two weeks later was a bus” -Gloria Delgado-Pritchett (Hit and Run, Season 3 Episode 5)

Time for more Gloria! Again, the joke itself is pretty decent writing-wise, and would make for a solid laugh even when delivered by a lesser actor. But it's Vergara's exquisite skill with comedic line deliveries that make this into a dynamite joke that'll have you (or at least me) laughing out loud every time. The turn from uplifting anecdote to oddly dark twist, contrasted with the excited yet matter-of-fact tone in Gloria's voice, is just pure gold.

6. “God, I hate yard sales!” -Jay Pritchett (Yard Sale, Season 4 Episode 6)

This one feels like it shouldn't be this good, but between the delivery and the comedic timing, it just somehow is. Among the more prominent storylines of the yard sale episode, Jay's subplot follows him being increasingly grumpy while making his negative view on yard sales clear. This intersects with Alex's storyline in the best possible way, as various characters have assumed that her new boyfriend Michael is gay, which prompts him to do some emotional reflection - inside the Delgado-Pritchett house, for some reason.

While we as the viewers know the character by this moment, one has to think about it from Jay's POV - he has escaped the commotion outside into the comfort of his own home, he finds a random young guy standing there, he asks if he can help him, and the guy responds "Yeah - why does everybody think I'm gay?". Jay replies with the iconic line in quesion - and whether he's saying it to Michael, to himself, to absolutely no one or to the mockumentary cameras, the exclamation makes for pure hilarity.

5. “No no no, arms down says I’m white and I’m sorry, arms up means you don’t know what I am” -Phil Dunphy (Baby on Board, Season 3 Episode 24)

Unlike most of the quotes on today's list, this one doesn't need the context of the full episode or any major storyline in order to be as funny as it is - it's just a random-ass moment of absolute comedic perfection. I still don't know exactly what Phil was going for with this specific piece of dance instructions to Alex - but that's the wonder of the joke.

It makes so little sense that it'll make you laugh out of sheer confusion, but it also makes perfect sense in relation to Phil as a character - like, if you've seen enough of the show to understand what Phil is all about, you do kind of see the half-baked logic in this line from his POV. In any case, it's a well-delivered, utterly bewildering and highly memorable line.

4. “Aye, don’t even say that word! Where I come from it is considered very back luck when your house burns down” -Gloria Delgado-Pritchett (After the Fire, Season 3 Episode 8)

Once again - nobody lifts a slightly above-average line into the stuff of legends like Sofia Vergara in her role of a lifetime. This response to someone mentioning the recent fire that burned down the neighbors' house is just pure gold, both in terms of writing but especially Vergara's delivery.

The twist on Gloria's usual wacky Colombia stories is brilliant, with the underlying implication being that she doesn't think someone's house burning down would be a universally bad thing but instead decides to make this about her cultural beliefs. The genius delivery is borderline meta, in how Gloria's clueless tone makes it crystal clear to the audience how silly this thought process is, while still staying in-character and in-genre without going over the top.

3. “ Oh, a barnacle scraper, hot!” -Dylan Marshall (The Escape, Season 9 Episode 21)

One of my all-time favorite joke types in television is this one, often seen in How I Met Your Mother and Brooklyn Nine-Nine: a character will say something weirdly niche or an uncommon interpretation of something, with the viewer laughing at how no one else would think precisely that, but then a totally different character makes the same association (HIMYM's legendary musk ox turd joke comes to mind).

In one of the all-time greatest examples of this joke type, we have the set-up as Haley's ex Andy mentions that his new girlfriend is a "laker girl" - only to clarify that he's not referring to a cheerleader, but rather a professional Great Lakes barnacle scraper. Later in the episode, Haley's other ex Dylan arrives on the scene - and when Andy mentions his laker girl, he replies with "Oh, a barnacle scraper, hot!". It's just the funniest thing in the world that Dylan would know this, and Reid Ewing's delivery is on point.

2. “Manny, you were afraid to light the barbeque, but now your eyebrows have grown back and your salmon is legendary!” -Gloria Delgado-Pritchett (Fears, Season 1 Episode 16)

There is so much to unpack in this line - Gloria's sweet attempt to encourage her son to face his fears, the reference to an utterly bizarre incident we have not seen in the series but is given just the right amount of context for maximum hilarity, and best of all, the fact that Manny's salmon is legendary. Mind you, this is season 1, meaning that Manny is eleven years old at the time. And his salmon is, that's right, legendary. No other Modern Family moment has made as much comedic mileage about Manny's mature, old-soul personality as this one.

1. “The pregnant one brought a stroller” -Jay Pritchett (Phil’s Sexy, Sexy House, Season 7 Episode 7)

A recap for those who don't remember - in the end tag of this fantastic episode, a whole bunch of Gloria's relatives from Colombia arrive as the Delgado-Pritchett house for a visit. Manny asks Jay if this feels like a short visit or a long one, and Jay replies - with an observant, grumpy and bone-dry tone that only Ed O'Neill could pull off to this degree - with the line quoted above.

This, more than any other individual line, highlights the Modern Family writers' ability to make a mundane situation funny by finding just the right dialogue: "Oh, it looks like Gloria's relatives are going to be here for quite a while" is a fairly amusing premise but there's nothing ultra-funny about it, but the writers found the funniest possible way to convey this information. The pregnant one brought a stroller. And the inflection with which Jay speaks the line. Absolute perfection.

Thank you for reading! Tune in next week as I unpack this year's American remake of the 1936 Berlin Olympics by ranking the most, um, unforgettable moments from the 2026 World Cup.

Ranking every “Closets, Closets, Closets, Closets” gag from Modern Family

Greetings, reader!

Last week, I shared my ranking of every phone-answering “Hello!” gag in Modern Family, having recently finished re-watching the entire series with the documentation of certain running jokes constantly on my mind. Today’s list will tackle the perhaps only running gag in the series that I love even more: jokes based on the name of fictional company Closets, Closets, Closets, Closets. I’ve always been impressed by how many times they managed to utilize the same goofy baseline joke for a different variation on the joke, and how many clever lines and dialogues were built from the same idea across the seasons. Now, I’m not counting the mere times that the company is mentioned (even though it’s inherently humorous every time), but specifically those times where the silly name of the company is the foundation of a joke - and I’m ranking the bits based on how funny I personally find them to be!

9. “I wish I could see the look on his stupid face, face, face, face” -Jay (Australia, Season 5 Episode 20)

These are all pretty good, but for the high standards of “Closets, Closets, Closets, Closets” jokes, this dig at CEO Earl Chambers falls a tad short / could be considered a bit easy and/or lazy. It’s still a good laugh, but not nearly as hilarious as a vast majority of these!

8. “My old nemesis Closets, Closets, Closets, Closets“ / “…I’m back there!” -Claire & Phil (A Stereotypical Day, Season 8 Episode 2)

This is quite a unique one, as the name of the company isn’t the main punchline in the joke, but still an important ingredient in why this bit works. In the cold open, Phil gets stuck in a closet, and being scarred by this claustrophobic experience defines his storyline for the episode. He seems to be doing better, but when Claire mentions the rival company’s name in an offhand remark, hearing the word “Closets” four time in a row brings Phil’s trauma flooding back in an amusing fashion. A clever twist on the running joke!

7. “Frazier had Ali - Pritchett’s Closets has Closets, Closets, Closets, Closets. It’s a stupid name, but those cats can bowl” -Jay (Bad Hair Day, Season 4 Episode 16)

Otherwise, this would probably be ranked last, as it barely counts as a joke - but, the thing is, this is the first time we ever hear the iconic company name! The first time is always important, and as the name had no mileage, the ‘joke’ at this point in the show’s trajectory comes just from hearing something as ridiculous as “Closets, Closets, Closets, Closets” for the first time! Plus, Jay’s snide remark about the company’s name is a decent bit of dry humor.

6. “They were just purchased by Closets…” / “NO” / “…Closets…” / “No, Margaret!” / “…Closets Closets” -Margaret & Claire (In Your Hear, Season 9 Episode 13)

This one loses some originality points, as it's not all that different from a few C.C.C.C. jokes from the earlier seasons - but, if it ain't broke, right? So, while I have even more respect for all the times where a whole new twist is found to utilize the silly company name, I do admit that this semi-recycled joke still works, and it's still different enough to not feel too lazy. There's something inherently funny in Claire's fearful reaction to the first "Closets", contrasted with how she holds out a desperate hope that it might be about something else until the very end.

5. “My Grandpa works for Closets, Closets, Closets…” / “…Closets. Yeah, I know him” -Sophie & Jay (Won’t You Be Our Neighbor, Season 6 Episode 5)

As much as I love the bits where a character supposedly doesn't get or fully accept what is being discussed until the very last "Closets" hits, there's also something to be said for this one, where Jay immediately gets where the line is going and finishes Sophie's sentence with elegant grit. It's funny in a simple way, but still, really funny.

4. “We got outbid” / “By who?” / “I’ll give you four guesses” -Jay & Claire (Australia, Season 5 Episode 20)

Sometimes, not saying a thing can be way funnier than saying it could ever be. Ed O'Neill's dry-wit line delivery in particular makes this into a classic exchange - his tone as he hits the word "four" is so f**king real, to a hilarious degree.

3. “You beat Closets, Closets, Closets, Closets, Closets?” / “We destroyed them! And it’s Closets, Closets, Closets, Closets“ / “What did I say?” / “We went through this for a half-hour yesterday, I can’t do it again” -Gloria & Jay (Bad Hair Day, Season 4 Episode 16)

As is the case with this entire running gag but this instance in particular - the premise is so f**king dumb, yet absolutely hysterical. Trying to explain the joke would make it sound so stupid - "it's supposed to be initially funny because the company name is the same word four times, and this time it's extra funny because Gloria says it five times instead of four" - but it just works to perfection. The cherry on top is the implication that this interaction has happened multiple times.

2. “It’s for Closets, Closets…” / “I don’t like where this is going” / “…Closets…” / “Don’t say it” / “…Closets.” / *GASP* / “What did you think the last word might be?” -Mitch & Cam (The Closet Case, Season 7 Episode 3)

This episode contains the entirety of today's top two, and is clearly the GOAT when it comes to this ultra-specific brand of Modern Family humor. The writers make the most out of the reveal that Mitch took a job with his dad's old rivals - there's something utterly hilarious about Cam quickly understanding where this is probably going, but holding his breath until the very end to be sure. And since Jesse Tyler Ferguson is the cast's #1 best at dry, sarcastic quips, you know that his comment about the interaction's absurdity at the end of the dialogue is magnificent.

1. “It’s for Closets, Closets, Closets…” / “That next word better not be ‘closets’” / “Of course it’s closets!” / “Now I’m confused, are you talking about Closets, Closets, Closets, Closets or Of Course It’s Closets?” -Mitch & Jay (The Closet Case, Season 7 Episode 3)

And later in the same episode, we get a twist on the same joke but between Mitch and Jay this time - and it's somehow even better. This is partially because the Modern Family writers know how to utilize repetition to make the second version of the same joke even better than the first, partially because "That next word better not be 'Closets'" is 10/10 comedy both in terms of screenwriting and delivery, and partially because the conversation then drifts on to further silly-closet-company-names worldbuilding (which, in later seasons, becomes a running joke of its own). In any case, the very best mileage of this beloved running gag comes in this incredible interaction.

Thank you for reading! Tune in next week as I rank the top 10 lines from the entirety of Modern Family.

Ranking every “Hello” phone-answering gag from Modern Family

Greetings, reader!

I recently finished re-watching all eleven season of the sitcom masterpiece Modern Family, and in addition to simply watching and enjoying, I had a few little projects in mind. There are a few running jokes in the series that I’ve always really appreciated, so much so that I wanted to rank each instance of a particular gag. The only way to do this is to watch the entire series with these list concepts in mind, pausing to take notes every time that an instance of one of those running jokes appear. These will be my posts for the next couple of weeks: I’ll be ranking the best overall lines from the series two weeks from now, every instance of a joke based on the “Closets, Closets, Closets, Closets” company name next week - and today, to kick things off, I’m ranking every version of Phil’s “Hello” phone-answering gag. I hope you enjoy!

12. Just “Yello!” (The Kiss, Season 2 Episode 2 & Someone to Watch Over Lily, Season 2 Episode 20)

A good argument could be made for this one not to be counted at all - the main reason that I’m including it is a sentimental one, as I love all of these jokes so much that it would feel cold to put any actual instance at last place. So, I suppose you can see the mere act of Phil Dunphy answering the phone with an exclamation of “Yello!” as the baseline, and every instance where a joke is built around the answering of a phone as a much better version.

11. “Quick, what’s my favorite hospital food?” (Punkin Chunkin, Season 3 Episode 9)

“Jell-o!”. Nothing really wrong with this one, but the punchline isn’t at hilarious or clever as in many other ones, and the context is quite mundane when compared to the ones in later seasons where there’s a twist on the formula (I love it when they do a twist on the formula). However, this one is important as a set-up, because later in the episode we’ll see another character doing their version of the same gag, so we need this one for the “haha, he’s just like Phil” payoff!

10. “What’s the most dangerous type of uranium cake?” (Spread Your Wings, Season 7 Episode 11)

“Yellow!”. The punchline itself is definitely one of the easiest and least imaginative ones, but this one gains points for the clever set-up as well as the context of Phil trying to bond with Alex by specifically doing a science-based one.

9. “Quick, nature’s surefire sunburn remedy?” (Bad Hair Day, Season 4 Episode 16)

The context is in the more basic tier, but the set-up / punchline combo is one of the more imaginative ones and I love Ty Burrell’s delivery of “Aloe!”.

8. “Hey Phil, where were Nationals senior year?” (Pig Moon Rising, Season 8 Episode 17)

"Cleveland, o-HI-o!". This one stands out in two different ways: number one, it's not Phil making the joke but rather the Dean of Admissions, as a means of demonstrating how freakishly similar to Phil the guy is. And number two, the joke itself is a nice out-of-the-box twist on the usual "Hello" format. Really getting to the good ones here!

7. “What’s the best first-person shooter about genetically modified space marines?” (Connection Lost, Season 6 Episode 16)

This should be one of the more basic ones on paper, but I'm still ranking it relatively well - it appears in one of the show's best episodes, the specific wording of the setup is pretty amusing (it implies that there's, like, a ton of different FPS games about genetically modified space marines out there to choose from), and Burrell's delivery of "Halo!" is so endearingly excited.

6. “Hey Luke, what instrument does Yo-Yo Ma play?” (Punkin Chunkin, Season 3 Episode 9)

"Cello!". It's the first time that a character other than Phil does the bit, as Kenneth shows his similarity to his former mentor by making his own version of this joke. The set-up and punchline are relatively basic, but these were the early days of the show and the gag was still being established, so I'm giving it points for being a classic.

5. “Quick, who sang Evil Woman?” (Airport 2010, Season 1 Episode 22)

Speaking of classics - the first-ever appearance of the phone-answering gag deserves so much praise just for being the first, and ushering in such a memorable running joke. I also love that they didn't kick it off with one of the most linguistically basic ones, like "Halo" or "Cello" - pronouncing "E.L.O." in a way that makes for a believable yet slightly twisted "Hello" is quite out there.

4. “Quick, which nickname did Jennifer Lopez take from Jon Lovitz?” (Frank’s Wedding, Season 8 Episode 19)

This one gains points especially for the interrupted structure of the joke - Phil has been confronted by his family about being too silly, and just as he's about to answer the phone with his bit, the words of Claire and the kids get into his head, so he pivots to a simple "Hello". The intended punchline is revealed to the viewers, however, after Phil exits the room as Luke remarks "Wow, he didn't even say J-Lo".

3. “Quick, what’s that ring around an angel’s head?” (Sleeper, Season 5 Episode 21)

The joke itself is among the simplest ones, but this gains massive points because IT'S JAY PRITCHETT WHO MAKES THE JOKE! In a delightfully out-of-character moment (or, arguably, in a glimpse of who he is deep beneath the surface), Jay cues Manny up with the aforementioned set-up before answering Phil's call. When Phil hears his father-in-law greeting him with "Halo!", he immediately recognizes that he did "the angel one" - it's a remarkably sweet moment for an often contested character relationship.

2. “Quick girls, famous Danny from Moonstruck?” (Aunt Mommy, Season 3 Episode 15)

This one is basic in context and structure, but ranks very highly because it's my favorite set-up / punchline combination of the bunch. Using the name of actor Danny Aiello for one of these jokes was an absolute stroke of genius, and I adore Burrell's delivery - twisting the word "Aiello" into a variation of "Hello" is inherently funny, but this master of the comedic arts makes it about a thousand times funnier than it ought to be.

1. “Jay, you know what the beginning of love is?” (The Feud, Season 5 Episode 15)

The joke itself is pretty solid already, but it's the context and structure of the bit that put this at #1. Phil is talking with his father-in-law when the phone rings, and Phil cues up one of his classic jokes with this question - but Jay mistakes this for Phil trying to make some deep point about love, and asks him to cut it off and not make a big thing out of their moment. The poor guy becomes flustered, but decides to still do the punchline, and it's Ty Burrell's brilliantly awkward and embarrassed delivery of "L-O" that truly makes this gag into a masterpiece.

Thank you for reading! Tune in next week as I rank every "Closets, Closets, Closets, Closets" joke from the same series.