Greetings, reader!
Last week, I shared my own personal ranking of the 33 episodes in Charlie Brooker's Black Mirror. This week, I'm ranking the same 33 episodes, but by a different criteria - how much my mother, Tiina Hoffman, would hate them. You see, our family has watched a lot of TV and movies together, so I've learned a lot about everyone's taste, including the wild differences between my mother's taste in TV shows and my own. These differences are amusingly striking with Black Mirror; while she hasn't seen a single episode, I keep thinking "man, she would hate this show so much" when watching it. Between the brutally dark stories, instances of gross-out violence, and convoluted sci-fi weirdness, the series just seems like the worst possible thing for her taste in TV - which is why I though it'd be funny to rank the show's 33 episodes based on my prediction on how much she'd hate each one. I love you, Mom!
33. Hang the DJ (Season 4 Episode 4)
Starting with the ones my Mom would hate the least, season 4's Hang the DJ is one of the very few Black Mirror instalments that she might actually enjoy. One wouldn't guess that based on the bleak-sounding title, but really, this episode is one of the more cute and uplifting ones. While the sci-fi element is one of the more imaginative ones, I'm guessing that it would be easier to follow for non-sci-fi-buffs (also known as people with lives) than many other episodes. More than anything else, Hang the DJ is a love story, and quite a sweet one at that - and that's a genre my mom can definitely get behind.
32. San Junipero (Season 3 Episode 4)
First of all, I can be proud of my mom - many parents from her generation might have San Junipero among their most disliked episodes, because of homophobic attitudes. My mom is definitely enough of an ally (and, like, generally good-hearted person) that the lesbian love story at the center of the episode wouldn't be an issue with her. The sci-fi premise is wild enough to probably give her a bit of a headache when watching, but that's the only reason why it's ranked above Hang the DJ. Other than that, it has the same strength - it's one of the more uplifting instalments despite some heavy moments, and it's about the genuine love story more than anything else.
31. Eulogy (Season 7 Episode 5)
The show's newest season is quite sharply divided into episodes that my mom would (somewhat) tolerate, and ones that would make her absolutely livid. Chief among the first group is Eulogy, a character-driven story starring Paul Giamatti in one of the best performances of his career. The sci-fi side of things is among the show's more simple and easy-to-follow ones, and the story is about such humane themes that you don't need to be a sci-fi geek in order to become sucked into it.
It's also less dystopian than many of the episodes - while the premise relies on a fictional and futuristic invention, a big part of the story is about relatable real-world stuff with a clear emotional core. Don't know if my mom would particularly enjoy this one, but she'd get through it without major issues and enjoy parts of it, and that's definitely more than I can say for a vast majority of these episodes.
30. The Waldo Moment (Season 2 Episode 3)
Like most Black Mirror episodes, this one is fairly dark, but still not among the very darkest ones. My mom would get through it no problem as long as she's in the right mood. What would make this into one of her overall least-hated episodes, though, is the setting - it's more or less present-day, with no mind-boggling sci-fi tech, and it follows the world of politics. My mom loves The West Wing, and this isn't all that different from that (except that it totally is). Additionally, while some Black Mirror episodes deal with themes that she might not feel mega-strongly about, this one is all about the dangers of populism (fans often joke that this is the episode that 'predicted Trump'), and that's a message she'd definitely get behind.
29. Nosedive (Season 3 Episode 1)
This is one of my favorite Black Mirror episodes, as well as a big favorite of my dad's. Knowing my parents, I'd estimate that mom wouldn't be as fanatical about the show's social media episode as dad, because she isn't nearly as up-in-arms passionate about the dangers of that world (there are few who are). But I'm sure that she, as a professional wellbeing expert, has thoughts on the negative effects of social media - so chances are that this cautionary tale, where people in the near future are obsessed with an app where you rate people and your own average affects where you stand in life, would resonate with her as well.
Still, I'm not rating it too highly, because I've watched the Community episode that has the essentially same premise with her, and she didn't like it nearly as much as most viewers. Too weird, I guess. Although, if she were to watch all of Black Mirror (which I definitely don't recommend), it might be toned down by the fact that it isn't nearly as weird as many of the other episodes.
28. Common People (Season 7 Episode 1)
As far as Black Mirror episodes go, the season 7 premiere is still among the ones that would cause the least distress in my dear mother - the sci-fi elements aren't too out there, the themes are quite relatable on a grounded human level, and there might even be parts she'd find amusing and entertaining (the whole "in-human ads" thing really works in being simultaneously frightening yet silly). It also helps that the episode stars Rashida Jones - my mom is a sucker for familiar actors, and I seem to recall she enjoyed her character in Parks & Rec. Still, the episode's grim conclusion would probably be a bridge too far, thus leaving a bit of a sour taste.
27. Smithereens (Season 5 Episode 2)
On one hand, this could be ranked even lower, as there would be potential to be my mom's #1 favorite. She likes crime shows, and this episode veers far from Black Mirror's more sci-fi side to essentially become a grounded crime thriller, one that could take place in the present day. But it's the level of relentless intensity that makes me a bit iffy about the reception - my mom likes suspense, as long as it doesn't go too far into panic mode. She likes action flicks like Speed, but she hates it when the suspense becomes too hectic and unbearable.
I think Smithereens would be a bit borderline for her - she'd probably be all hooked for the first act, but as the situation continues to escalate, it might become a tad too stressful at times for the poor woman. I know I make fun of my mom's picky taste in movies and TV a lot, but really, I gotta admit - not wanting any extra stress and panic from your entertainment because real life offers plenty of it sounds extremely healthy, and sometimes I wonder what's wrong with me when I choose to watch stuff that tends to have viewers all sweaty with unease.
26. Hotel Reverie (Season 7 Episode 3)
My mom loves Casablanca, so she'd find a lot to enjoy in this tribute to classic old-school movies and that movie in particular. I considered ranking this one even further near the bottom, but then again, the sci-fi aspect of Hotel Reverie is quite out there.
If Community gimmicks like Dean Pelton exploring the world of VR or Abed making a meta film about himself making a meta film were too weird for her taste, I can only imagine the reaction to this story where Hollywood uses futuristic tech to remake an old film by sending a modern-day actress into the film, where she lives as one of the characters while grappling with the partial sentience of the people within the film who think they are real. So, it would likely be a mixed bag, with mom rolling her eyes at the experimental narrative while still enjoying the Casablanca aesthetic.
25. Arkangel (Season 4 Episode 2)
My mom wouldn't find all that much to enjoy in Arkangel, but I'm still ranking it fairly low because there wouldn't be anything she'd be passionately against either. The story is a bit too much of a bummer for her taste, but it's still not as grim and depressing as many Black Mirror episodes. Similarly, the premise with the mom spying on her daughter via forbidden footage from the eye implants installed into her at an early age would strike my mom as a bit 'weird' for her taste - but, in terms of just how weird the sci-fi elements in Black Mirror can get, that one is still very tame.
So, I guess we've exited the "she might actually somewhat like or at least tolerate this" section of the list, and moved onto the "mild dislike phase". And it's still gonna get so much worse from here!
24. Be Right Back (Season 2 Episode 1)
The sci-fi side would very likely not be an issue here, as it's a pretty straightforward pitch to wrap your head around - what if technology could (sort of) bring back the dead? The story, in which a grieving widow uses this new tech to purchase a replica of her late husband, comprised of data compiled from voice recordings and DNA et cetera, is a strangely relevant one, as news of such technology being developed has caused many "haha, Black Mirror predicted the future again" jokes in the last few years.
Mom would keep up with the story with ease, although the slow pace might have her looking at her phone or leaving for various side quests around the house every now and then. I'm guessing she'd even get invested enough to be moved by the story - something that wouldn't happen with some of the episodes that are so weird that she wouldn't relate. However, it's still ranked in the mild dislike -section, because the episode (like most in Black Mirror) is just so damn sad! She'd definitely need a cool-off sitcom episode to wash away the upset.
23. Men Against Fire (Season 3 Episode 5)
With its intensity and stressful tone, I'm guessing my mom wouldn't enjoy watching this episode all that much. It's still ranked quite low on the hate-list, because I do think she'd appreciate where the story is coming from. While she's not quite the hardcore pacifist that I am, she definitely doesn't like war, and that's one of the many values that she did a great job teaching to me.
With a story that uses its premise to criticize the way in which humanity's leaders have always tried to dehumanize their enemies in order to justify reckless and endless wars, I think my mom would be so on board with the message that she'd grudgingly respect the episode as long as she's in the right frame of mind to watch something so grim (happens 1-3 times per year).
22. Rachel, Jack and Ashley Too (Season 5 Episode 3)
I think my mom would barely somewhat tolerate this episode - funnily enough, for the same reasons that many IMDB reviewers absolutely hate the episode. Namely, it isn't as dark and bleak as most Black Mirror episodes, and even dabbles with fun from time to time. It would otherwise have the potential to be one of her favorites, with the entertaining and not-too-serious story - but there's a lot that would hinder her enjoyment.
I don't think she'd have a problem with the episode's feminist angle like many of the idiots who trashed it online, but I also don't see her celebrating it like many viewers from my generation - hard to picture her relating to the main character, a socially dysfunctional teen who idolizes a pop star so much that she buys a clone doll of her and becomes obsessed. Also, the sci-fi aspect would get a bit 'weird' for her taste (as is the case with most of these episodes), and the overall atmosphere of punk and angst would keep the episode from being as fun to her as it is to some viewers.
21. USS Callister: Into Infinity (Season 7 Episode 6)
The newest Black Mirror season culminated in a groundbreaking episode - not only is it the anthology show's first sequel to a previous episode, but it also is the closest they've ever come to a blockbuster film, with its high production values and lengthy runtime. Now, my mom wouldn't particularly like the the original USS Callister episode (more on that later), but she's a big familiarity enjoyer, so I still think she'd appreciate returning to characters she knows and not having to learn every new character from scratch like in all the other episodes.
Also, the episode isn't quite as focused on the convoluted sci-fi side as its predecessor, being more of a fun sci-fi adventure in the style of Star Wars. My mom likes the Star Wars movies, so I'm guessing she'd be quite entertained by this style. Still, there are a few key elements keeping the episode firmly in the 'dislike' section overall: A) a sequel doesn't hit as hard if you didn't like the first part, B) parts of the story (in the final act especially) would most definitely be too sci-fi for her, and C) she'd have to be in the exact right state of mind to watch such a long TV episode, and even then she'd have a slightly negative attitude from the get-go due to the length.
20. The Entire History of You (Season 1 Episode 3)
The season 1 finale is a very archetypical Black Mirror episode. This means that my mom wouldn't particularly like it just like she wouldn't like the series in general - but also that she wouldn't find anything about it completely unappealing or horrifying like in the more weird and extreme episodes of the series. I'm sure it would still be weird and a bit too sci-fi for her taste, but it's still tame enough by Black Mirror standards that it'd hold up okay when compared to many of the other episodes.
19. Hated in the Nation (Season 3 Episode 6)
On paper, the season 3 finale has the potential to be one of the most mom-unfriendly episodes in the show's seven-season run: from the long runtime to the out-of-left-field stuff with the mechanical killer bees, there's a lot to not like here if you're this particular woman. I'm still ranking it here around the middle, because at its core, Hated in the Nation is a crime thriller. Mom enjoyes police movies and crime shows (as long as they're not too dark), and while her preference most definitely is the type of police thriller where the villain isn't a hacker who manipulates people into sending mechanical killer bees after each other, the episode still has enough of the crime genre's charm that she might enjoy parts of it.
18. Striking Vipers (Season 5 Episode 1)
Striking Vipers may not be weird / dark / narratively convoluted enough to cause as strong feelings of anguish in my mother than many other Black Mirror episodes - but the thing is, I just don't belive she'd like it. It would be because of a much more simple yet hard-to-put-to-words reason: I don't think there's anything in this story about two male friends finding homoerotic solace by playing a hyperrealistic virtual reality video game together that would speak to her, or just be remotely interesting and/or entertaining to her. I can just hear her asking questions like "Why are we watching this" or "What is the point of this story supposed to be" throughout the episode.
17. Crocodile (Season 4 Episode 3)
My mom would definitely give Crocodile a chance, as it begins as essentially a crime drama, with the sci-fi element being quite mundane and easy to grasp by the show's standards. However, the thing with Crocodile is that it gets so dark. Realistically, my mom would almost certainly give up on the episode at some point, but assuming for the sake of this list that she would've watched all of these episodes start to finish for a fair comparison, that ending twist especially would be so over-the-top for her sensibilities with its haunting nature.
16. Fifteen Million Merits (Season 1 Episode 2)
We have definitely entered the "strong dislike" phase by now. My mom would have such a bad time with the two first Black Mirror episodes, and for such different reasons. For those who have seen the pilot episode, I think it's pretty obvious why no one ever would want their mother to see that - but with the show's second episode, it's much more of a Tiina-Hoffman-specific thing.
The premise is one of the more imaginative and far-out ones in the series, as the story takes place far enough in the future that the class divide and the role of media and entertainment as sedatives have spiraled into an unrecognizable dystopian hellscape. Basically, people are living in box-like apartments, constantly generating energy by cycling on exercise bikes, with the promise of reality TV shows working as their incentive. I honestly can't say what would upset my mom more - the sheer bleakness of the episode's reality, or the "who even comes up with something like this??" elements in Charlie Brooker's high-concept storytelling.
15. Shut Up and Dance (Season 3 Episode 3)
At this point in the list, the episodes are ones that my mom definitely wouldn't enjoy overall, but each one has some element she'd grudgingly appreciate, to separate these from the pure-hate ones we'll get to in the top ten. With Shut Up and Dance, that 'saving grace' would be that it is one of the more grounded episodes - it could take place in present day, and there's no major sci-fi dystopian stuff to give my mom a headache.
Why is it ranked this high, then? Well, the plot is quite intense and stressful from the beginning, and it escalates so much, up until that final twist that is one of the most brutal, depressing twists in the show's run. The poor woman would need at least two or three F.R.I.E.N.D.S. episodes to calm down and feel good about the world again after watching this.
14. Loch Henry (Season 6 Episode 2)
Much like the previous entry, Loch Henry starts out as the sort of episode my mom might even warm up to - it's a young couple, visiting the quaint British village one of them is from, in order to shoot a documentary for the film school they attend. A story among the rest of them, as it were. However, the places the episode escalates to are wild as f**k, with an ending twist that rivals that of Shut Up and Dance and has some intense implications. Assuming my mom would somehow get through the entire episode, she would have just the worst time for the final 15 minutes.
13. Beyond the Sea (Season 6 Episode 3)
If one were to divide the essence of Black Mirror into different categories and rate them based on how negatively they'd affect my mom as a viewer, I reckon that Beyond the Sea wouldn't get the absolute worst points possible in any category, but it would do quite poorly in every one.
Yes, there are episodes with even wilder sci-fi elements, but this one would definitely be more frustrating to grasp than most, with the astronauts on their deep-space mission relying on their host body system to transfer their consciousness back to earth every now and then. Similarly, the narrative wouldn't feel as unnecessarily convoluted as the very worst of them, but I can still see her getting rattled by the notion that this episode takes place not in the future but in the 1960's, yet there's all this futuristic technology because it's an alternate history (I'm actually on the side of my mom's hypothetical reactions here, as I never really saw the point in that). And, while there are even more depressing episodes in the show (see: most of today's top ten), this one is definitely upsetting enough to be too upsetting for her taste.
12. Demon 79 (Season 6 Episode 5)
This is one of the two episodes with the "RED MIRROR" styling, signifying a direction less sci-fi and more fantasy than what we're used to. On paper, that should work for my mom, who definitely enjoys fantasy more than science fiction on average. But, the type of fantasy seen in these episodes...yeah, no. The episode's specific style of humor would be so irritating to her (once again, I'm actually with her on this one), and the downright apocalyptic stakes would be way too doom-and-gloom.
11. The National Anthem (Season 1 Episode 1)
I can't believe that this episode, immediately cited by my fiancée as the perfect example of an episode my mom would hate when I mention the premise of this post, didn't even make it to the top ten. In most TV shows, an episode like The National Anthem would easily be the ultimate low-point for her, but in Black Mirror, there are exactly ten that I reckon she'd hate even more. But, yeah, there's a reason that this episode immediately came to Martta's mind when discussing this list's premise.
There are many story elements that are an immediate red flag for a certain kind of viewer, and while I enjoy all sorts of crazy and macabre stories, I can't really blame a big part of the population for probably having "There's a scene where the Prime Minister of the UK has sex with a pig" on their list of no-nos. Especially when it's not just an individual scene, but rather the plot device that the whole episode revolves around.
If you're wondering why this isn't higher on the list, it's because everything else in the episode would be more accessible for my mom than a majority of Black Mirror - it's a modern-day setting, there's no sci-fi mumbo jumbo, and the whole thing does play out as a satire of British society/culture/politics (something that Mrs. Hoffman enjoys a great deal when it's done in Bill Bryson books, Ted Lasso, or really anything that doesn't involve the prime minister getting intimate with a pig).
10. Bête Noire (Season 7 Episode 2)
Now we're starting to get to a point where the list of things my mom would enjoy watching more than this would include "any Fast & Furious movie", "a three-hour Civil War documentary", or (God forbid) possibly even "10 seconds of Fox News". There is so much wrong with Bête Noire, at least if you have Tiina Hoffman's taste in television. None of the characters are very likable, there's no humor or clear humane themes/dynamics to relate to, and the exact nature of the sci-fi premise is kept as a mystery until the very end, thus keeping the viewer anxious and guessing about what the hell is going on. When we do arrive in the ending, it's utterly f**king bonkers, but not in a particularly fun way.
9. USS Callister (Season 4 Episode 1)
Funnily enough, this is my #1 favorite episode of the whole series - which really encapsulates how far the apple fell from the tree (at least in terms of TV taste - I proudly take after her in other ways, like having a fierce heart and a fantastic sense of humor). But, yeah - the reasons why I love USS Callister so much have quite a lot of overlap with why my mom would be quite miserable watching it:
- The Star Trek parody/tribute element (she hasn't watched enough of the franchise to necessarily appreciate that, while I loved all the little easter eggs and other signs of influence)
- The far-out sci-fi premise (it had me roughly as hyped and charged with curiosity as it would have her confused and pausing to ask questions every few minutes)
- The escalation of the plot (every plot turn had me more and more hooked, but mom would definitely find herself at a point of giving up trying to follow the plot at about 10 minutes in).
8. Plaything (Season 7 Episode 4)
Yeah, there's so much here that would bug my mom. She wouldn't begin to even want to understand the point behind the Thronglets, the point that the main character is trying to make, the rambling way in which Peter Capaldi plays the lead the role, the psychedelic LSD sequences, or the connections to obscure Bandersnatch lore. And don't get her started on that ambiguous, potentially apocalyptic ending twist!
7. White Bear (Season 2 Episode 2)
In one of the fairly rare intersections between my Black Mirror taste and my mom's hypothetical takes, season 2's White Bear is fairly bottom-of-the-barrel for both of us. It's for slightly different reasons, perhaps, but still - nice to have some common ground. The overall atmosphere of the episode, marked by anxiety and paranoia, would be frustratingly stressful for her, and the ending would feel like quite the opposite of a payoff (the viewer finally gets a sense of what the hell was going on, but it's not exactly a happy ending).
6. Joan Is Awful (Season 6 Episode 1)
Joan Is Awful is one of my big favorites in the series, and the reasons for that are amusingly the exact same reasons for why my mom would be f**king livid with it. Essentially, in what is undoubtedly the most Kaufman-inspired episode of the series, we follow a woman who finds out that there's somehow a TV series based on her life, and when she tries to find out how that's possible, the episode escalates into layers upon layers of creative meta storytelling that'll make you question what is real.
There's a profound message about digital consent wrapped up there somewhere that my mom might appreciate if it was told via a more approachable story, but the meta chaos of Joan Is Awful would certainly just piss her off.
5. Playtest (Season 3 Episode 2)
One thing to understand about my mother is that horror is not her genre. Sure, she'll get through Hitchcock's Psycho if in the exact right mood, but anything more hardcore than that and it's a hard pass. Playtest, an episode that holds a mirror to the thrill-seeking tendencies of modern humans, tells the story of a man who signs up for a hyper-realistic virtual reality experience based on adrenaline and fear - and it's intense as f**k. The horror sequences are downright brutal, and there's no way my mom would see Playtest as anything but a colossal waste of time.
4. Black Museum (Season 4 Episode 6)
First of all, the generally most praised elements of the season 4 finale are A) the easter eggs and subtle connections to other Black Mirror episodes shedding some light on the show's timeline, and B) the clever ways in which the anthology-within-anthology vignettes tie together and build towards the ending twist. Now, if you're a nerd like me, that pitch will make you squeal with excitement - but if you're a no-nonsense, sensible person living in the real world who once called Parks & Recreation "too weird" like my mom, that pitch will make you ask questions like "What do those words mean", "Why should I care" or "Whatever happened to old-fashioned feel-good half-hour sitcoms?".
3. White Christmas (Season 2 Episode 4)
White Christmas is a similar episode to Black Museum in many ways - there are a few shorter stories, tied together by a present-day storyline of a mystery interaction between two people. It would score even worse points in my mom's books, I reckon, because the flashback-heavy narrative would be even more labor-intensive to follow, the sci-fi concepts are arguably even weirder, and the ending twist is so much more brutal.
Additionally, the Christmas setting gives the viewer the idea that there might be something remotely wholesome or festive in the episode, which would make the end result hurt extra much. Even the handsomeness of Jon Hamm in the lead role wouldn't be enough to make her give the episode a chance.
2. Mazey Day (Season 6 Episode 4)
In Mazey Day, we follow an unlikable paparazzi living a depressing life, when she gets the gig of hunting for evidence on a controversial celebrity's latest scandal. As is hinted by the episode's bizarre "RED MIRROR" title card, it's a totally different kind of episode for the show, temporarily ditching the sci-fi stuff and instead delivering a supernatural story, culminating in a werewolf twist that no one saw coming.
Now, my mom might otherwise like the episode, if it weren't for the fact that she doesn't like paparazzis, stories with unlikable main characters, depressing stories, celebrity controversies and scandals, TV shows changing their concept/genre midway through, supernatural stories, horror, werewolves, and literally anything else that can be found in this episode.
1. Metalhead (Season 4 Episode 5)
It feels like this particular episode was pitched as a mad lib with the concept of "let's make the worst TV episode ever tailored for Tiina Hoffman's preferences". No, really, look:
"This episode will tackle the *post-apocalyptic* subgenre of *horror* television, and it will be *black-and-white* for artistic gimmick reasons. The characters will be *mysterious people we find out very little about*, and the villain will be *a bunch of terrifying robot dogs*. The overall style will be *violent* and the atmosphere will be *confusing*. Every moment will be *intense* and *creepy* and *stressful*, and the plot will *do very little explaining and leave a bunch of stuff to the viewer's imagination*. The ending will be *wildly ambiguous*.
So, there you have it - out of the show's 33 episodes, there are a few my mom might actually like, a few more she'd be indifferent to, quite many in the "mild dislike" and "strong dislike" sections, quite many that she'd downright hate (a word she doesn't use lightly, mind you) - and as the crown jewel of them all, Metalhead is the one episode where I can't think of a single element she'd enjoy or appreciate.
Thank you for reading! Tune in next week for my list of the top 10 Desperate Housewives episodes.
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