Greetings, reader!
Some weeks ago, I had a fun idea: ranking the top 10 greatest movies that were never made. As any film geek will know, there are some truly legendary films that were pitched, scripted, planned and perhaps even shot - but never finished to completion, and never published, causing endless "what if..." speculation among cinephiles. Out of this mythical group, these are the unfinished films that I would be the most curious to see, if granted access to an alternate timeline where they were released!
10. Oil and Vinegar
John Hughes, the mastermind behind feel-good 80's classics like The Breakfast Club and Ferris Bueller's Day Off, wrote a screenplay in the mid-80's that tragically never came to fruition. From what we know, Oil and Vinegar was intended to star Matthew Broderick and Molly Ringwald - and the entire film would follow just those two, in a car, for the entire duration. Described as an 'intimate romantic comedy', I can only imagine how great this film could've been.
9. The First Day
The legendary Russian filmmaker Andrei Tarkovsky had reportedly shot about half of this ambitious period piece, when the censors came for him. The film was going to be set in 18th century Russia, following the reign of Peter the Great - and Tarkovsky meant to use themes from that era in history to reflect the current state of things in the 1970's, and criticize the Soviet Union's state atheism.
I'm not big on organized religion myself, but as a principle, I can't help but side with the filmmaker making a provocative piece of art against the authoritarian state who only want their mainstream art made via a specific lens (*cough cough*, present-day USA and the shady deals between Hollywood and the Pentagon in the production of any mainstream military film as well as Marvel products, *cough*).
Apparently, Tarkovsky went to great lengths to try and trick the system, including the submission of a fake script to the censors - but eventually, the government got wind of his plan, and halted the project. A frustrated Tarkovsky destroyed the footage he had shot, and the world never got to see what a thought-provoking and rebellious piece of cinema The First Day might have been.
8. Superman Lives
I'm livid thinking about this - we could've had a Superman reboot written by Kevin Smith, directed by Tim Burton, and starring Nicolas Cage, but the ambitious project was ultimately abandoned...due to the critical failure of goddamn Batman & Robin (1998), and Warner Bros. having the wrong takeaway in that special way that only a Hollywood film studio can. I don't even know if the film would've been *good* - this was before the golden age of superheroes, and all three of the attached names have very hit-and-miss careers. But still...best case scenario, it could've become a beloved cult classic, and worst case scenario, it would've definitely made for an entertaining mess like Lynch's Dune at least.
7. Stanley Kubrick's Napoleon
This one is pretty much as infamous as it gets. In preparation for his ultimately unrealized Napoleon biopic, Kubrick apparently watched every movie ever made on the subject, while immersing himself in meticulous research on the historical figure's life. Jack Nicholson was tentatively assigned the role of Napoleon, while Audrey Hepburn was Kubrick's preference for Josephine. In the planning phase, Kubrick's ambition grew to unforeseen levels, with the director claiming that he expected to create the greatest film ever made.
Location costs and critical&commercial failures of similar films in the late 60's and early 70's lead to the project's cancellation. At least Kubrick got to channel some of the extensive historical research he had done into Barry Lyndon (1975), but still...this one hurts.
6. Leningrad: The 900 Days
The legendary director Sergio Leone spent his last years working on this ambitious WWII project. Robert De Niro was set to star as an American journalist who finds himself in the midst of the siege of Leningrad, Ennio Morricone was attached to compose the score, the budget was set at 100 million dollars...and two days before he was to officially sign on for the film, the 60-year-old Leone died of a heart attack. If there is indeed a Heaven, I envy those who got to see this undoubtedly magnificent film getting its premiere in the great cinema above.
5. Spike Lee's Jackie Robinson biopic
On one hand, it feels like I can't be too mad about this one, because 42 (2013), the Jackie Robinson biopic we did end up getting, is a really good film. Chadwick Boseman's breakout performance is fantastic, Brian Helgeland's directing is solid if not amazing, and the gripping and inspiring real-life story is enough to lift the film to a high level. But no matter how much I enjoyed 42, I couldn't help but feel an agonizing sense of "What if?" when I heard that a Jackie biopic was originally planned in the 90's...by Spike Lee.
Again, not to take anything away from 42 - but you just know that the story would've been so much better yet if the Spike had gotten his hands on it. He's one of my all-time favorite filmmakers, and this would've been such an obvious home run (pun intended) - the man proved his knack for biopics with Malcolm X (1992), and the story of Jackie Robinson would've combined his two greatest and most well-documented passions amidst filmmaking - Black history and culture, and sports. Man, this would've been a total all-timer.
4. Company of Angels
Can't believe we were robbed of this one, thanks to years of escalating development hell in the early 90's. A Joan of Arc biopic, starring Winona Ryder and directed by Kathryn Bigelow, would've likely been a massive landmark of feminist cinema! I can almost see the epic atmosphere and badass energy that this film would've rocked with, had it ever been released, if I close my eyes.
3. Ronnie Rocket
January 16th, 2025. My very first thoughts, upon hearing that David Lynch had died, were something along "WHAT THE HELL", "There goes a giant of immeasurable vision and influence", "This calls for a Twin Peaks re-watch" and "I'm sure he has just transcended into another plain of existence too weird for any of us to comprehend". But within the first minutes, one of the many thoughts I had was "Damn - we really never got Ronnie Rocket.
We learned quite a few bits and pieces about this unrealized film throughout Lynch's life, as he would often contemplate returning to this eternity project despite never finishing it. And oh boy, is every fact more Lynchian than the last - it was subtitled "The Absurd Mystery of the Strange Forces of Existence". The protagonist was supposed to be a detective who faces odd rooms and a mysterious train while trying to find another dimension. The plot featured teenage rock stars, tap dancers, and a major character called Ronald d'Arte, a three-foot tall man with an affinity for (or control over) electricity.
2. The Lord of the Rings
Now, obviously I'm not referring to Peter Jackson's The Lord of the Rings trilogy, which very much has been made and the world is better off for it. I'm referring to something far stranger: a LOTR adaptation by, and bear with me here, The Beatles. Yes, the rock band. No, I'm not making this up.
During that legendary trip to India that spawned much of the legendary White Album, the members of the band also became immersed in Tolkien's books, and decided that they should be the ones to adapt the greatest fantasy trilogy of all time onto the silver screen. They had thought it all through, from choice of director (Stanley Kubrick, obviously) to tentative casting (Paul as Frodo, Ringo as Sam, John as Gollum, and obviously, George as Gandalf). Victory was near...but the power of The Lord of the Rings could not be undone.
It was in this moment that J.R.R. Tolkien, author of the books, took up his lawyer. The rights that the Beatles needed in order to make the film were destroyed. The rights passed to the Tolkien estate, who had the chance to end all movie adaptations forever...but The Lord of the Rings has a will of its own. And some things that should not have been forgotten were lost. History became legend, legend became myth. And for three decades the source material passed out of all knowledge. But then something happened that the Tolkien estate did not anticipate - it was picked up by the most unlikely creature imaginable, Peter Jackson of New Zealand.
The world may be better off with this film not existing, but at the same time, I'd pay so much money to see what it would've looked like.
1. Slaughterhouse-Five, written by Charlie Kaufman and directed by Guillermo Del Toro
I am not kidding when I say that I, with all my imagination, could not come up with a better combination of source material, screenwriter and director if I tried. The best I could come up with, in my wildest dreams, would probably be Nathan Hill's The Nix / Aaron Sorkin / Greta Gerwig, or Stephen King's The Dark Tower / Jonathan Nolan / Christopher Nolan, or maybe Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie's Americanah / Ayo Edebiri / Spike Lee - damn, this is fun! But yeah, none of those combos hold a candle to what could have been with this one.
Kurt Vonnegut's Slaughterhouse-Five is one of my favorite books of all time, and it has never gotten the big-screen adaptation it deserved. Then again, it's hard to imagine any movie doing it justice - but if someone could've pulled it off, it would've been these two. Kaufman's dark humor and chaotic genius, coupled with Del Toro's strong values and out-of-the-box creativity, would've fit the source material like a glove. But alas, it never got past the stage of strong consideration - although in an interview a few years ago, Del Toro said that the pitch isn't a hundred per cent dead yet...so there's hope.
Thank you for reading! Tune in next week as I continue my silly "un-movie trilogy" with a list of the top 10 greatest movies I've never seen.
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